shopping out loud.

angry birds king pig halloween costume

2011-10-19T13:14:00.001-04:00

apparent I am an angry bird.

actually someone called me one at work. obvi is cause of my screw face stank @ss look that’s permanently tattoo’d on my face. listen, I was born this way baby (quote the gaga).

personally, my personality most fits the fat red angry bird doode. not cause he pleasantly plump and round, its cause he looks the most pissed off of the feathered bunch.

so as I research what not to be for halloweenie this year, I actually did find something I would actually consider being. an angry bird.

naturally.

my only thing is, I wanna try to be somewhat zexy in my halloweenie costume this year. so being a rotund fat red bird is just not going to cut it. now, whats zexy is this green king pig b!tch. whats even zexier, it comes with a free pumpkin pig. I mean I think that’s just too much zexy.

who doesn’t get turned on by “oink oink baby”…?

click for more info: angry birds king pig halloween costume

lil twist of irony or catch-22 or coinkidink...

2011-10-19T11:39:00.001-04:00

my last post may 19. today is october 19.

I'm actually wearing the sorel boots today that I also last blogged about in may 19.

I either should play the lottery or bet my whole bank account balance on red ($12.15) today.

dude. $24.30. big time pay day. I actually can withdraw a whole $20 from the atm.

watch out now.

mitchell & ness new york giants vintage track jacket

2011-10-19T11:33:00.001-04:00

so im back from my maternity leave.

I mean where else have I been the past 5 months? either I pooped out a bebe or I was laying dead in some gutter on the upper east side due to self inflicted wounds due to another miserable season by the new york mets.

fortunately or unfortunately (depending how much you love/hate me) neither is the case. womp womp.

95% is at&t wireless’s fault (no explanation needed). 2% is just pure lazy-ness. 1% is called its summer time, who the f*ck wants to do anything but beach and booze? the rest is… well im just out of excuses.

anywho. so my giants are 4-2. not bad. considering the mouth breathing dummy aka eli manning, has had a truly schizophrenic year, only a mental patient would be proud of. tho my support of my gigantes is as mentally sound has my own mental state (ha).

since ive literally maxed out every credit card possible (im competitive) im toying with the notion to invest in more giants gear. tho (let me preface this statement by saying I am in no way a fair-weather fan) im seeing how the giants do after the bye week 7 to see if I should go ahead and pull the trigger on this volatile investment.

listen. if the giants stink after the bye week, quite possible since we face a heap sh!tload of uber good teams, packers, saints, pats, the afc pro bowl team, I maybe less inclined to rock g-men gear.

it’s the truth. case in point all the elastic in my mets gear is shot and/or collecting dust somewhere in the fn apartment. that sh!t hasn’t seen sunlight since 2006.

click for more info: Mitchell & ness new york giants vintage track jacket

sorel sorellington rain boots

2011-05-19T13:07:00.001-04:00

I broke the “im not following a trend” law. I bought wellies. or in non-british american, rain boots.

I steadfastly abstained from the whole crocs trend. even the almighty uggly uggs. tho to my credit I didn’t go all in in my anti-fashion crime committing. I didn’t fold to the whole hunter rain boot fashion hole. well the $125 sticker price also helped, as im newly like for reals “poor”. my bloomingdales department store/american express card met the guillotine [scissors] couple weeks ago. cancelled. end of a (compulsive shopping) era. sad, but had to be done. ok im done talking about it. it gets me all emotional. I cant deal…

anywho. so I bought an alternative and I think trendier and cooler brand of mucklucks (as I like to call them). sorel. that and their logo consists of a polar bear. me likey bears.

actually took them for a test drive in flood ravaged nyc yesterday. I literally trashed every puddle in the 40 block walk home (yes I walk 2.8 miles home, I like the exercise and I promise myself if I walk home I don’t have to do cardio at the gym. I think that’s a fair tradeoff. yes, im a gym rat. and a huge loser).

funny note: I felt uber british wearing my rain gear and wellington wellies yesterday. some reason wearing appropriate rain gear channels the inner brit in you.

cherrio chap…

click for more info: sorel sorellington rainboot

golden "girl" years...

2011-05-19T11:20:00.001-04:00

these days, every time I post a new post to this bloggy, feel like im resuscitating (spelled that w/the help of spell check) the bloggy w/a defibrillator (even spell check couldn’t spell that). tho after 2 years of being borned, I think bloggy has yet to peak (puberty).

not that my little puddin pop of a blog is dying a slow death. tho I feel like I am today. slightly hungover. whatever, I hadn’t had a drink in 6 days, I missed feeling hungover, so I did something about it last nite. tho 50% (general estimate, tho most would prob take the over) of my life ive been hungover. so honestly being hungover or feeling “normal” are about the same for me. you dig?

I compare my hunged over-ness with pms-ing. I literally start pms-ing 14 days before the start of my period (.) so literally im only good (sane) for 1/2 of the month, which once again is 50% of my life (tho my family would definitely take the under on that stat).

if you do that math here you scholars, 50% (+) of the time im hungover. 50% (-) of the time im sane. that’s a f*cking disaster of a combo. which probably explains/says a lot about me.

ok enough about me and my drunk insanity. all in all im not killing my bloggy softly and slowly. im just a lazy f*ck these days, and blogging means semi-thinking and actually putting some sorta sensible words together. which honestly, is a f*cking chore. im hitting 31 years old in a month. and 16 years of hard boozing is obviously taking its toll (case in point this train wreck of mindless dribble I just typed above).

btw. I literally just blogged this to blog. obviously my mush of a brain needed an outlet for my hunged over feelings and this poor bloggy just got the brunt of my brain’s hunged over neediness.

thank you for being a friend bloggy.

nike air max trainer 1+ men's "whistle" training shoe

2011-05-11T14:08:00.001-04:00

i literally have enough sneakers to last me til im 109 years old. im for serious yo. and that’s only sneakers, not including my “girlie” shoes, aka heels.

lately been on a kicks kick (haha. funny pun). trolling nike.com like religiously everyday (as you probably have noticed the slew of nike product [placement] posts) and “stalking” these kicks im like dying die die die homicide dying for.

im usually a nike running shoe gal. but these trainers literally caught my eye like a hot lubed up abercrombie model. *whistle* *whistle*

guess anything nike that has neon green ie: nike air max 95 neon green (style code 609048-072 <--------- yes that I literally pulled outta my memory butt hole) I love.

that nike neon green is like bacon. makes everything more f*cking awesome.

even more f*cking awesome-er neon green bacon. whoah. mind fn blooowing…

click for more info: nike air max trainer 1+ men’s training shoe

nike national fists manny "punch me" pacquiao men's t-shirt

2011-05-11T13:40:00.001-04:00

if you’re slender or have a “few” extra pounds, and you want this tee, then you’re in luck. only sizes that are left are small and x-large.
this nike manny p line in en fuego. geez…

dope tee. fists wrapped in colors of his motherland. pretty sick. I do wonder how it would feel to be on the other side of a manny p punch.

im assuming a not so pleasant feeling. tho if that were to ever happen, I’d like nike to make “I just got punched by the man manny pacquiao because I wanted to know how it felt” t-shirts in my [stoopid] honor.

then on the back print “kick me just because im stoopid”

click for more info: nike national fists manny pacquiao men’s t-shirt

nike trainer 1.3 max manny pacquiao men's training "sold out" shoe

2011-05-11T13:30:00.001-04:00

yo. I just found out tim “the freak” lincecum is 1/2 filipino. wtf?! never woulda guessed. I dunno why that just blew my universe. im actually feeling more attached to timmy these days as he’s holding down the fort on my roto fantasy baseball team. tho I am currently in last place. yes, the cellar. not sucha peachy wonderful place, but at least there’s only one way to go. up. (well I would like to hope so…)

anywho. speakin of filipino. they mayor of the philippines himself, manny pacquiao got his own nike line. boom. for the people.

I mean the man, manny already has arrived, especially with that pummeling he gave the aged [gouda cheese] sugar shane mosley last week. but you reeeally have arrived when nike blesses upon thee with your own line. let alone your own logo. I want one!!

and let alone. your own fn shoe!! that’s like being given the key to a city, or given the saint title, or being voted president of the united states of america, or winning prom king, or being named people magazine’s most beautiful homosapien. I mean quite the fn honor I must say…

tho I rather get named my own shoe than all of those achievements above combined.

needless to say I love nike. like love. love. love.

im a nike whore, and proud of it. :)

note: apparently a lot more people love manny pacquiao. the dang shoe is already sold out on nike.com after its may 7th launch date.
guess there’s a sh!t ton-a manny pacquiao whores out there…

click for more info: nike trainer 1.3 max manny pacquiao men’s training shoe

katy perry opi "girlie" collection

2011-04-22T12:05:00.001-04:00

I have like all of katy perry’s songs on my ipod and my gym ipod shuffle (yes, I have different ipods for different occasions in my life). I fn love this b!tch k.p..

listening to her songs even brings the “girlie” out of my hardened [criminal] tomboy exterior. dude you cant belt out “california gurls” naked in your apartment without feelin a bit a feminine. work it [naked] diva!

well to add to this girlie-ness cumbaya is katy’s new nail polish line courtesy of opi. I literally flipped my sh!t discovering this at one of my neighborhood duane reades (no joke I have like three in a five block radius of my apartment. its like the starbucks of drug stores in manhattan).

naturally I bought the teenage dream color (also my fave k.p. song). uhh how fn bubble gum girlie can you get than pink nail polish with glitter?? best $9.50 I ever spent at duane reade.

now I’ll have a lil pizzazz with my spirit fingers and jazz hands during my choreographed “hi, im dancing naked in my apartment” routine while belting out katy perry songs like im performing at the finals of american [naked lonely single gal in nyc] idol.

click for more info: katy perry opi collection

magic bullet "smorgasbord" baby bullet

2011-04-21T13:09:00.001-04:00

my biological maternity clock has ran out of [double] d batteries a loooong time ago. and trust me im in no f*cking rush to replace them.

don’t get be wrong. I like those little runts. but at the end of the day, I like the option of giving them back to its rightful owners (parentals). pretty much im all for that return policy.

so when you hit my age of 10 x 3, you are swarming with pregnant people or people with kids. barf.

which means ive been to babies r us or buy buy baby or baby bucktooth buy r us blah blah blah baby a gazillion times looking for those neverending (and excruciating) baby showers I must attend. so I’d like to say ive become some sorta baby gifting guru.

so when I awoke at 4am last night (and no, not to boob feed my phantom baby. I had to tinkle so bad my bod tole me to wake my @ss up) I couldn’t go back to sleep. naturally I turned on the tv, and of course the only thing on was infomercials. which I knew for sure would put me to sleep. informmericals like the adult lullaby. well in my world.

apparently the inventors of magic bullet make the baby bullet now. a whole smorgasbord of a system that helps you make and store your own baby food. you can even make organic sh!t. its actually pretty friggin cute/cool. I actually stayed up and watched 17 minutes of it, til I dozed off.

btw. smorgasbord is in my spell check, random.
naturally I spelled it wrong and surprisingly spell check flagged my illiterate @ss and corrected me.

good catch spell check. you actually might have the better and more responsible qualities to become a better parent than me.

click for more info: baby bullet

links of london purple glitter "snip" heart shaped bars friendship bracelet

2011-04-20T11:36:00.001-04:00

ok. if there is a word that describes being severely obsessed, then meriam webster you need to let me know.

I cant stop trolling the links of london website, and just “eye-site shopping” these bracelets. meaning: I cant afford you but I’ll rape you with my eyes until I find a way to buy you.

and after careful inspection I realized they make these friendship bracelets with individual bars in different shapes. wtf?! soooo dope.

jesus. christ. I need to snip snip cut cut all my existing credit cards (well the ones that aren’t literally at their chin-y chin chin limit). like stat.

see, that’s like the vasectomy birth control equivalent to controlling a compulsive [hoarding] shopper’s debt.

once you snip them b!tches, theres pretty much no way of impregnating anything any further.

click for more info: links of london purple glitter heart shaped bars friendship bracelet

nike hair-itage "hairy" t-shirt line

2011-04-19T15:25:00.001-04:00

switching gears from friendship bracelets to facial hair. guess that’s more like putting the car in reverse gear.

saw my boy mykee wear one of these tees from the hair-itage collection (literally he’s like king of tees. when his son was born he bought matching tees for him and the little lad on shirts for squirts. lol).

of course its like trying to find a saber tooth tiger in the wilds of central park when looking for these special edition tees for ladies. almost f*cking impossible.

btw. they seriously need to stop making tees for ladies in pink and/or rhinestones. no self respecting female sports fan (me) would ever f*cking wear that. I mean I rather get attacked by a saber toothed tiger than to don one of those ret@rdedly colored team gear.

anywho. went to the san francisco giants home opener couple weeks ago at at&t park. this is the team one of the most famous crafted facial hairs of today, brian wilson. low and behold they had nike ladies version of this hair-itage tee at the at&t park clubhouse store. its was like finding a saber tooth tiger fossil in the la brea tar pits. couldn’t have been more appropriate find at the most appropriate place.

of course I bought it.

I cant single out one tee, because seriously all of them are phenomenally awesome. so included link of bunch of them.

so for yous that will get obsessed (like me) and strive to buy the whole hair-itage collection. good luck. because I sure will try.

and that would be a very hairy situation for my credit card. eek…

click for more info: nike hair-itage t-shirt line

links of london "bff" mini heart fuchsia friendship bracelet

2011-04-19T14:59:00.001-04:00

tho the whole point of friendship bracelets is that you actually give the dang thing to your “friend” to symbolize your everlasting friendship.

barf.

so according to my reaction, I can give two sh!ts giving someone a friendship bracelet. I think I am my most favorite friend. seriously. days like today when im pms-ing and realize my life is crawling with needy and annoying friends/people, I much rather have a friendship with just myself. seriously. I mean I cant even stand my imaginary friend for christmas sake. everyone just leave me alone!

I also much rather give myself the other half of one of those “best friend” two part heart necklace. that way, I [greedy mofo] gets to keep both halves. now that’s called winning (I know charlie sheen-isms were sooo march 2011) but I have to make up for my lack of march blogging effort. so im on a sorta one month time delay. excuse the un-trendy-ness.

so another “friendship” gift I wanna to give to my most favorite best friend for-eva (me) is this links of london bracelet of loooove.

tho with the $200 sticker shock, I may suck up to one of my most annoying/needy friends to purch-@ss this for me. in addition to showing how f*cking amazeballs of a friend ive been, but also payback for all the stoopid therapy and time ive dolled out listening to their ret@rded problems over and over and over and over and over again.

sh!t actually for all that, I f*cking deserve a suped up maserati and also them naming their first child after me.

therapy sure aint cheap these days…

click for more info: links of london mini heart fuchsia friendship bracelet

lizzie fortunato "dexterious" antigua bracelet

2011-04-19T14:37:00.001-04:00

trending these days are friendship bracelets.

tho im a friendship bracelet veteran (owned, sold and worn them since 1989), the newer “trendier” styles these days I gotta say im kinda obsessed. these aren’t your typical “I weaved my own friendship bracelet” with thread bought from woolworth (remember that store?). these new b!tches have like diamonds, sterling silver, mink, extinct sabertooth tiger teeth on them. I mean, hello luxurious.

ms. lizzie fortunato makes my new “gotta have” obsession these days. the antigua bracelet. tho ms. [tin] lizzie wasn’t oh so generous with the suggested manufacturer’s retail price of $146.00.

bah. wah.

btw. another “bah. wah.” point.

remember when you would weave your friendship bracelets and the tape you used to hold up the string kept falling the f*ck off? yea, well. I just remembered that [teenage] angst moment when that would happen and felt that spurt of anger [acid] flashback. god. that was so annoying.

think at one point, I just used my feet like a monkey to hold onto it as I masterfully woved my friendship masterpiece.

moral of this [baby got] flashback moment is the awesomeness of my dexterity and my artistic friendship bracelet impression scores. well and also to cover the fact that I had one blog entry in the month of march and its april 19, and im entering my first entry of this month.

click for more info: lizzie fortunato antigua bracelet

nike jordan melo "orange" m7 future sole

2011-03-17T12:24:00.001-04:00

been a bit pre-occupied. hence my absence.

im about filling out one more bracket to going insane. like bat sh!t f*cking crazy. I have bags under my eyes that look like two ginormous cinnabons.

the reason behind these cinnabon bon bon eye circles are the syracuse orange. we blew it in the big east tournament (dang you kemba walker) but looking to go strong in the ncaa tourney. (amateurs call it the ncaa tournament. pansies).

tip off is tomorrow approx 9:57pm against #14 indiana state. no cake walk. no game in the ncaa tourney is a cake walk.
we the orangemen will be debuting melo’s new nike jordan shoes the same day our most famoso alumni will when the knickerbockers take on detroit friday nite.

one word: f*cking awesome.

ok. gotta go. 1st “official” game of the tourney is about to tip off. cant miss the opening act.

btw: this first four “1st” round is bullsh!t. f*ck this expansion. it's now technically the 1st round today. keep it old skool b!tches. keep it old skool.

click for more info: nike jordan melo m7 future sole

nikon af-s nikkor 85mm "appendage" f/1.4 lens

2011-02-16T13:47:00.001-05:00

this lens almost maybe worth getting evicted for.

my next paycheck should go to rent. keyword: should

I feel its almost cheating taking pictures with this superstud lens. it takes the rad-est (yes I said rad and even added a hyphenated post adjective appendage) pictures ever. I mean, I bet the bestest of photographers almost second guess themselves using this lens. is it me and my talent? or is it the gosh dang amazeballs lens taking these amazeballs pictures?

photographer is of course gonna take all the glory.

meanwhile, the camera body is like, where’s my shout out in taking this amazeballs picture? without me, this picture would be nothing.

and meanwhile, the talented appendage of lens [lead singer] is like im the star! I make the picture.

god. this is sounding just like a dysfunctional 80’s [big] hair rock band.

[insert]: guns n roses e! true hollywood story…here (aqui)

click for more info: nikon af-s nikkor 85mm f/1.4g lens

anne sportun fiery "freebee" garnet necklace

2011-02-14T15:52:00.001-05:00

happy valentine’s day f*ckers.

for those of you batting for the opposing team (aka desperate and/or single), don’t fret my pet…

sorry, spaced out for like 10 minutes thinking about the upsides of not having a valentine this year (or well every year since the age of 0). apparently, I thought took so long, by brain’s screen saver got activated.

…I still got nuttin.

at least tomorrow, you can march into any duane reade or cvs and get valentine’s day candy at a discounted price. tho, downside (boo) you will get fat if you eat all that candy, well in one sitting. which is highly likely. blame it on emo eating.

what would be a humongous upside is if all the jewelry that had hearts (and/or was the color red) went on a massive discount too. massive meaning 90% discount. listen, if this [desperate] idiot is gonna buy her own valentine’s day gift, let alone jewelry for myself, she should get the pity discount. (notice the use of 3rd person, as I would not admittedly buy myself jewelry in such a public way).

at least “she’s” not asking for freebee jewelry.

anne sportun’s little fiery masterpiece unfortunately isn’t free. it isn’t even on sale. poo. im just going to print it out in color, cut it out and wear it, as that’s the closest I’ll get to ever getting it.

oh wait. I don’t have a printer at home. and the printer at work is black and white. doo. doo…

happy fn doo-doo poo-poo v-day d-day.

click for more info: sundance fiery garnet necklace

tiffany return to tiffany heart tag "oops" toggle necklace

2011-02-14T10:59:00.001-05:00

note: realized I forgot to publish this post back in january 28th. opps. im too lazy to turn back the clock and post it for the correct date. but so ya'lls know, this brings the tally of posts on january to 7, just so I don't look like sucha dead beat (well for that month at least)...

this necklace is like required dress for sorority girls. along with the kate spade handbags, ugg boots, north face fleeces and black tights.

just got back from a trip to syracuse (not talking about the nova/cuse game. im just not). and the campus was crawling with this outfit dress code. the kate spade mention might be more circa 2002. these days, these b!tches don’t play. they’ll be rockin the louis vuittons, diors, etc.

pretty much all the sh!t I could not afford in college.

which, was not the reason why I didn’t pledge for a sorority. I was holding out hope a fraternity would pledge me. then they found out I could out drink all the brothers and their alumni. so they passed.

weenies.

click for more info: tiffany return to tiffany heart tag toggle necklace

apple macbook "skinny" air

2011-02-09T17:12:00.001-05:00

speakin of sex and the city…

even before all the hipsters/yuppies ruined it by all “becoming” mac-whores in the late 2000’s, carrie bradshaw set the trend with her old skool pre OSX black macbook in the 90’s. remember that? she’s type away on that little macbook on the [endless] trials and many many tribulations of single ladies in nyc. remember the episode when her lumberjack boyfriend aiden tried to fix it, and instead crashed it?

yea, next time you have tech problems, don’t trust your plaid wearing, turquoise ring wearing, carpenter paul bunyon boyfriend to fix it. its like asking a caveman how to jailbreak your iphone. 100% fail.

anywho. macbooks have come along way since the 90’s. just like the sizes of women’s clothing these days, these laptops get skinnier and skinnier. so skinny, they call the skinniest mac laptop the macbook air. and of course, I want. the smallest literally is smaller than your average ruler (and also most men’s private appendages). 11”!

ps: much thanks to e! for re-running sex and the city. ive literally watched every episode like 50 times each. almost as much as ive watched every single saved by the bell episode (thank you tbs).

click for more info: apple macbook air

jess maharry dollop of "warming" sunlight ring

2011-02-09T17:01:00.001-05:00

I don’t even know how the sun looks like anymore. like what color is it?

its been the longest marathon of a winter ive ever experience in my life. and its not nearly over yet. 40 more days. but who cares? feel like it’ll be winter forever.

listen. I adore the planet. I try to be nice to the environment by recycling, being green, yadda yadda. but after running this hamster wheel of a never-ending winter, im almost cheering for global warming. sorry al gore.

tho the only glee aside from the tv show gLee (which uh, is my new fave obsession) ive seen lately is this ring. my face de-frosted for a hot minute and felt the warmth of the citrine.

yes. I said warmth of the citrine. if im quoting (and confirmed that I quoted) statements like that, I must be losing it.

click for more info: jes maharry dollop of sunlight ring

jimmy choo "choo" double-banded bootie

2011-02-09T16:56:00.001-05:00

remember jimmy choo’s? remember manolo blaniks? the [drug] shoes of choice of ms. carrie bradshaw? hellooooo lova…

these days christian louboutin has the current monopoly on uber designer shoes. I don’t even remember hearing about chrissy loub during the original sex and the city heydays. he’s definitely made up for it these days. cant go a block without seeing some wannabe fashionistas pumpin the streets in their red lacquered chrissy loub’s.

so im showin jimmy choo choo some love love for the 1st time on this bloggy.

this heeled bling o’ sole is a mix of a peep toe pump and a bootie. tho a bootie is already a hybrid between a boot and anke boot. so this thing essentially is a shoe mutt.

click for more info: jimmy choo double-banded bootie

christian louboutin super "accidently" platform mary jane pump

2011-02-09T11:57:00.001-05:00

as a tall [amazonian] 5’8” gal, pumpin thru the streets of nyc, ive noticed lately the lack thereof of tall men out there. I just chalked it up to men in nyc were just short, and the implant yuppies were just even shorter. and its not just me, other gals have the same sentiment.

then I walked into saks into their 10022-shoe (yes its so big, it has its own zip code, just like my closet should) and “accidently” wandered into the chrissy louboutin department. i mean I was afraid to trip and fall and “accidently” land on one of the 7” heeled shoes, and get “accidently” stabbed in the chest-icles. holy [sky] high heels.

these lady super-platform mary jane heels, the name says it all. you literally need to be a super hero to just walk in these. neiman doesn’t even list the height of the heel, because im sure its just so obscenely(like x-rated, like parental advisory sh!t) high, they wont even bother telling you.

anywho, no wonder men are getting shorter in nyc. its cause these b!tches are wearing like 12” heels. and the trend doesn’t seem to be slowing down.

now we just need to get men in heels. its gonna happen, its nature’s act of homeostasis.

click for more info: christian louboutin lady super-platform mary jane pump

nike dri-fit obsessed "sweat" women's training capris

2011-02-08T16:10:00.001-05:00

heather grey. the [enema] enemy color to all gym rats. no other color in the world accents pit stains and sweat marks as severely (and sheepishly embarrassing) than…

heather grey.

to men, sweat stains are a like valor of glory. aka, I pump iron so hard [in my best aaah-rnold schwarznegger voice] I drip in sweat.
to women, its almost as mortifying as a period stain thru the pants. I know gross. it’s the only ym magazine “say anything” embarrassing moment I could muster [mustard].

women aren’t supposed to fart, spit, burp, poo, sneeze, cough, hiccup, blink (im an exception). let alone sweat. ugh, the horror! no lady stick maximum strength deodorant can control all that sweat.

sorry guys we women are im afraid to say, human.

so I just bought these nike dri-fit pants, hoping it’ll solve some butt crotch pit sweat marks issues ive been having lately at the gym.
furthermore, as a tribute to the namesake of these pants (obsessed) I am obsessed, bought 2 colors already.

knowing nike. if I were to get sweat [ink blot] marks with these pants, nike would’ve specifically manufactured the material to only sweat marks shaped like nike swooshes.

click for more info: nike dri-fit obsessed women’s training capris

david yurman cable heart "single" chain necklace

2011-02-04T16:09:00.001-05:00

t-minus 10 days til valentine’s day.

I need to get crackin and find me a valentine. im not going another year without one. gotta start combing thru craigslist or those aol chat rooms (those still exist?) for that perfecto [looney] mate or as I would like to think of it, a temporary valentine.

think I should bring a business proposal to the infamous madam heidi fleiss (yes, charlie sheen’s pimpette to his hoes). with her black book o’ contacts and my creative business savvy, we can start a rent-a-valentine [escort] service. I mean if we wanna do this big time, we can go into a partnership with the millionaire matchmaker patty stanger and really blow this business b!tch up.

simple concept: single gal w/no valentine rents a boy for valentines’s day (per day rates. exclusions and fees may apply) he is required to treat her like a girlfriend for however many days she rents him. tho things such as gift giving, flower giving, giving booty, giving… (you catch my drift) are extra.

duh. I mean when you rent a car, g.p.s. and insurance isn’t like free?!

speakin of free sh!t, I want my rent-a-valentine [man-hoe] to buy me this necklace. I dont even want the booty. just gimme the jewels.

as you can see ive been single for a long time. screw the boy. I just want the present.

[single] girl power!

click for more info: david yurman cable heart chain necklace

stand by your orange

2011-02-02T16:32:00.001-05:00

just gotta let it out. I know this is a jolly holly [non-violent] shopping blog, but when it comes to the cuse, I must unleash my orange fury.

plus no other blogs want to listen to my sh!t so this is my only microphone. so deal with it.

I just want to address those stoopid made up soap opera story line rumors that have been floating around since last night about point shaving by scoop jardine (and allegedly couple others). its f*cking horsesh!t. made up lies by haters of the syracuse basketball program (ie: fans of other teams on the big east).

its been a perfect sh!t storm of sh!tty basketball the cuse has been playing lately. sh!tty shooting. sh!tty rebounding. sh!tty ball handling. sh!tty free throw shotting. even our sh!tty is sh!tty. but that’s no reason to allege point shaving scandal to our team. so we’ve had a rocky past four games, but unlike a sh!tty marriage, the cuse doesn’t cheat.

like as a loyal wife to a cheating husband, I stand by my team. and I stand by scoop. I’ll be rocking your #11 jersey tonight as I watch cuse battle the huskies hush puppies of uconn.

gooo cuse.

photojojo juice box "cutesy" camera

2011-02-02T15:47:00.001-05:00

don’t think a capri sun would work as a good vessel for a 35mm camera. I mean its most certainly a fail for being a vessel for juice. 9.5 outta 10 times capri sun finds a way to explode its juice onto me. sometimes to no fault of mine (I swear I didn’t even squeeze it!).

cardboard juice box is the architecturally sound way to go, in terms of housing juices. and now why not a 35mm camera?

slap on a cutesy apple cartoony character in front of the camera, and you got me sold into buying this. im one of those stoopids that buys a coat cause the lining has a cute pattern, or cute buttons or cute zippers. im an advertising exec’s ultimate [teenage] dream.

…and definitely not in the zexy sexual manner.

click for more info: photojojo juice box camera

photojojo fuzzy wuzzy was a "love" felt camera case

2011-02-02T15:26:00.001-05:00

a big grassy @ss to my buddy jenny jen. she referred me to this website with cool gear for your camera. almost a bit too cool, cause im about to wipe this website’s inventory clean. like lysol bacteria free clean, biotch.

first thing that caught my eye on the photojojo website (like puppy love at first sight) was the fuzzy wuzz. it just wasn’t the fuzz’s good looks, it was his heart felt [hehe. pun] colorful personality.

since the fuzz isn’t compatible with my diggie slr (even match.com agreed they weren’t an ideal love match) I must buy a point and shoot at once.

typical shopping strategy for me. you buy the camera for the case. obviously, I like to go against the grain. I mean who buys cases for cameras anymore, that’s boring. first ya find a cool case, then a cool camera. youre guaranteed a perfect fit.

ps: ugh. all this love talk. valentine’s day must be around the corner.

barf.

click for more info: photojojo fuzze wuzzy was a canera felt case

ash flirt "hate" kitten heel sneakers

2011-02-01T15:50:00.001-05:00

I hate kitten heels. you wear 4” and higher or bust [your @ss] none of this mid kitten heel sh!t

I hate when casual shoes/sneakers are made into high heeled shoes (aka that jenny from the block construction boot looking high heeled sh!t jlo wore in that video. ugh. cheesy. so cheesy im gonna call it cheesy in espanol. muy queso)

I hate when other shoe makers rip off other shoe maker’s designs (see said referenced above. also sketchers and steve madden are notorious perpetrators)

I hate chuck taylors (well after the hipsters ruined it for me)

this ash shoe has every “I hate” requirement fulfilled. and somehow I kinda dig these. theyve found (squeezed) a soft spot in my bitter heart.

im really either im going soft or *gasp*! my style is changing?

tho…

I hate change (like severly)

this maybe a sign of maturity and/or im starting to like the cheesy.

click for more info: ash flirt kitten heel sneakers

corey arnold fish-work: the "hubba" bering sea

2011-02-01T15:40:00.001-05:00

this guy corey arnold is one of my fave photographers.

admittedly I first saw him on that tv show about king crab fisherman [hubba hubba] the deadliest catch couple years ago. I swear, king crab fisherman are like the construction workers of the seas. blue collar scruffy hottie hotties. and I gotta say the crew of the rollo was the hubba hubb-iest and funniest of em all. but that’s not the main reason I watched that show [*wink wink*]…

devastatingly the crew was not asked back for future seasons. I myself almost caused a minor riot at the discovery channel’s “contact us” email mailbox, urging them to bring back the rollo crew. obviously with no avail.

but ive been following corey’s photography career ever since. and no. that’s not considering stalking. I actually admire his artistic talents as im a fledgling photographer myself.

:P

sooo I was excited to hear that he is now a book. lol. I meant his work is now a book! how exciting. his photography steez (style for you non urban dictionary people) is so hilarious, his images brings a cheeky to cheek grin to my face.

I hope to someday get off my lazy high horse @ss and start posting my photographs for reals on a website. and maybe one day make some dough from it.

seriously. im talented! I took photography 201 in college. I can work the auto focus on a camera like pro.

click for more info: corey arnold fish-work the bering sea

gorjana astrology "cuspy" charm bracelet

2011-02-01T14:33:00.001-05:00

and it comes in a matching bracelet…!

so for you loonies like me who actually are on the cusp of two signs (yes. this explains a lot of my [multiple] personalities and/or witty charm) you can wear one sign on your neck and the other on your wrist. ugh. fashion stylist genius I am. I need my own show on bravo.

ps: sorry to you cuspy schizophrenic people. bracelet only comes in gold on shopbop.

pps: if youre I die I die I die I die like bananas dyyyyying to know my other sign. its cancer. hence why I have an “anger management” section of my blog. I am pretty crabby in general/naturally.

[cue] boisterous laughter.

click for more info: gorjana astrology charm bracelet gold

gorjana astrology "dead beat" charm necklace

2011-02-01T14:29:00.001-05:00

I promise not to be sucha deadbeat [mom] blogger from now on. I’ll make more of an attempt to write on my bloggy as much as I can. im also afraid blogger might seize custody of bloggy due to my lack of visitation these past couple months. god. this is sounding like an episode of teen mom 2. ugh…

anywho. im starting off the month of february (yay. crazy aquarian month) like a rockstar. plus its also the birthday month of my bloggy blog. he/she she/he will be 2 years old on february 18th! god. im the mother to a legitimate toddler now.

if youre a horoscope/astrology junkie like me, its known fact geminis (me) are like b.f.f.’s to aquarians (my blog + like 90 of my real/facebook friends), and vice versa. to spare the non-believers/I don’t give a f*ck of horoscopy, I wont go into further detail of this astrological mumbo gumbo jumbo.

in a nutsell: geminis + aquarians = crazy two faced fickle witty like you just got sucked into a tornado and spit the f*ck out funky bunch. ok, more like a ginormous humongo nutshell.

so like if you don’t want to be like sooo cliché and wear those letter charm necklaces with your initials (as I wear my “a” necklace I bought for $9.99 at tj maxx. loser) gorjana makes these astrology charm necklaces.

they come in gold or silver. usually the poor people (me) buy silver, cause its cheaper. but not in this case. they’re both $45!

ps: whomp whomp. geminis are out of stock in gold. guess this poop pauper is stuck with silver again.

click for more info: gorjana astrology charm necklace gold

click for more info: gorjana astrology charm necklace silver

kikkerland camera "scatron" sharpener

2011-01-28T15:25:00.001-05:00

who uses pencils these days anyways? let alone who writes pen to paper anymore? thanks to email/internet (aka the causes of the impending apocalypse) writing devices such as the pen or the pencil have become somewhat obsolete (well in my eyes). ie: sh!t I mean I don’t even know how to wrote cursive anymore.

tho, im an old skool cat. whilst sitting at my desk (diligently “working” on a friday) I stare at my dixon ticonderoga #2 pencil. remember those yellow/green things? sometimes looking at one sends shivers down my soul (I get flashbacks of scantron sheets and the SATs). ugh. I shudder.

I’ll never ever take another standardized test for the rest of my life. hence, why I haven’t done the whole grad school thing. tho, I told my parents im avoiding grad school is to save them from immense debt, when they should be enjoying their retirement years. chalk up another lie to the parents. tho, I guess I should be paying for my own grad school since im no longer a minor and a responsibility [leech/nuisance] to my parents.

I miss sharpening my pencil in those old wind up sharpeners. you know the ones with different size holes (keep PG-13 thoughts please) that were bolted to some sorta ledge? I got some dinky battery operated (keep PG-13 thoughts please) sharpener on my desk.

this camera one would be pretty fn rad addition to the real estate of my work desk. yes. I just used the word rad.

rad.

click for more info: kikkerland camera pencil sharpener

orla kiely summer flower "cruelty" large tote

2011-01-28T15:20:00.001-05:00

for serious sometimes I forget I have a blog. hence, why im not allowed pets and/or plants. 99.9% guarantee they will die in the care of my hands. 99.999% cause of death will be starvation because I would’ve forgotten to feed/water the poor things. someone call the a.s.p.c.a. and/or the foundation for cruelty to herbivores (I don’t know the official name off the top of my head)…

speaking of herbivores. our favorite floral handbag making brit oral kiely unveils her new spring 2011 line. couldn’t come at the bestest time. after nyc got a tsunami of that white powder stuff this week (not the narcotic, that white frozen sh!t that I wont say by name. that’s how much I hate it) this miserable new yorker needs some optimistic spring sh!t to cheer me up.

enter. orla. her new jolly line of bags brings a smile to my wretched frozen face. tho looking at the retail price prompted me to pop a xanax.

I just cant win. t.g.i.f. I guess…

click for more info: orla kiely summer flower large tote

little marc jacobs infant "doodle" hot dog cotton overalls

2011-01-14T16:51:00.001-05:00

ok. ok. ok. last one. im actually starting to annoy myself with all this little marc posting. lol…

remember back in the day (I mean like the stone ages) when the stylish youth of the 80’s used to tear holes in their acid wash jeans and doodle on them. oh and back in the day also when it was f*cking cool for you to wear them osh kosh b’gosh overalls (with 1 strap unclipped, of course).

well this baby little marc overalls is the essence of my trip down [fashion] memory lane.

ok. im checked out. taking me waaay too long to write this dang post.

peace out b!tches. off to h.h.

click for more info: little marc jacobs infant hot dog cotton overalls

little marc jacobs "gibble" lace 2pc bandeau swimsuit

2011-01-14T15:35:00.001-05:00

ask and you shall receive.

ahh! a 2 piece little marc jacobs for my unborn fetus! now we gotta figure a way to get this thang on little fetus.

well. when the time comes. of course…

ps: if you’re reading this gibble gabble and have absolute no clue what the f*ck (w.t.f.) im talking about. see referenced post below. not that that makes any sense either.

click for more info: little marc jacobs lace garden 2pc bandeau swimsuit

little marc jacobs embellished mouse "fetus" ballet flats

2011-01-14T15:25:00.001-05:00

I think this is why god has not allowed me to have children. he knew marc (of marc jacobs) would create a kid-dy line of stuff. he knew that this materialistic b@stard (me) would pretty much outfit my kid in all little marc jacobs. I mean, if marc made sizes smaller than newborn, this nut job (me) woulda somehow found a way to outfit my unborn fetus while still in the womb while still swimming in its amniotic fluid sack. how cute would fetus look in a fetus marc jacobs two piece swim suit!? I know. im a sick f*ck.

I need help.

so ok. so the reason god hasn’t allowed me to have kids is, the world debt, let alone the national debt as we all know is outrageous. the big guy (god) thought the extra spend-a-ture/damage I would do having my kids/fetuses outfitted in all marc would tip the debt over the edge where it would spell doom to the human population/economy. aka: the world would be ruined.

smart guy that god. guess this is a prime example of homeostasis. I think that’s what I think that means.

ps: I almost got these ballet flats in the adult version (for me of course). another reason I shouldn’t have kids, it’ll be buy kid one outfit = mommy gets ten outfits. its only fair…

click for more info: little marc jacobs embellished mouse ballet flats

syracuse beat "fanatical" nova II tee

2011-01-14T14:59:00.001-05:00

taking a break from hibernation and showin the bloggy some looove.

plus in uber bored at work and sick of staring/trying to will the clock to turn 5:00pm (aka: world’s official time for happy hour). its almost as popular as that other official time to do bad things. 4:20 (am or pm tho. potheads obviously have no sense of time or care what time they blaze. not that drunks don’t either). tho if you start drinking at 5:00am you might have a legitimate problem. (aka: alcoholic).

so our (the syracuse orangemen) yearly matchup with villanova is approaching. not so much the hoopla/record setting implications as last years (which this maniac was at in person and drunk). but just as importante as this will be a matchup of 2 top 10 teams. we’re ranked higher tho. #4 b!tches.

listen. I kno about 99.7% of the world doesn’t give two sh!ts of all my syracuse rambling. but the rest of the 0.3% population of the world who are fanatical orangemen fans do. I do it for the orangepeople. big ups to the cuse.

ps: they made new tees for 2011’s blessed cuse/nova matchup. not as cool as the original beat nova tees (of course I have one).

plus my closet it literally about to upchuck with all the f*cking orange gear I have. I don’t need another freakin tee. unless one of my fellow devoted fanatical orangepeople wanna buy me one for a really belated thanksgiving/christmas gift, I will glady accept.

beat nova. b!tches.

click for more info: syracuse beat nova II tee

go back to sparta...spartacus

2010-12-09T11:35:00.000-05:00

*note: was supposed to publish this yesterday. blogpress not cooperating. blogpress-a either had her period and/or just was being a stubborn biotch. anywho found my way around the issue somehow. why are chicks soo complicated?!

all eyes were at the garden last nite. nationally televised on espn game. #8 michigan state vs #7 syracuse. clash of two top ten teams. jimmy v classic.

chants of an overrated cuse team this year. even our coach jimmy b boeheim sez so himself (boo). I semi believed it with our sh!tty performances this far. but my weepy over-optimistic @ss (well oiled due to 24 years as a woeful mets fan) always had faith in my orange.

well when the orange colored pixy dust cleared last nite, 72-58 was the score. domination orange furballs.

I must've watched sportscenter highlights like 5 times this morning. got goose bumps seeing this headline on espn.com. amazeballs night. only thing missing was otto.

where the f*ck was he?! looked for him all game long.I figured he was a) snowed in syracuse b) diligently studying for finals back in syracuse c) drunk past out at the bathroom stall after pregamming hard at the bar. can you imagine crouching down at the stalls and seeing otto's feet? funny sh!t

it's one of those ya had to be there moments. and last nite at the garden was one of those ya had to be there games. pure sheer fun. go orange. go cuse.

ps on the "note": this post would've been more "powerful" if posted/read yesterday. sh!t gets stale after 2 days in my bloggy post bread pantry. blogpress-a you're sucha kill joy. bioootch.

godiva chocolate infused "kick" vodka

2010-12-08T15:30:00.001-05:00

I mean they don’t need to make alcohol taste like candy for me to drink it. but who am I to complain?

I may just turn over a new leaf and become a vodka drinker. figure the hangover isn’t as bad as a whiskey hangover. I know. gasp. its just the old age thing. finally creeping up and kicking me in the @ss. but not like a love tap kick. its like crank back wind up “woooosh” karate kid-esqe kick in the @ss. almost like putting the leg in a slingshot and just letting ‘er rip right on my tush.

my liver is laughing with glee. its finally gotten its revenge after two decades of plotting to get me back for all the liver-ache ive put him/her thru.

click for more info: godiva chocolate infused vodka

michael michael kors hamilton camo "modern" convertible tote

2010-12-03T10:53:00.001-05:00

add this mission to my bucket list.

before I die I die I die, I need to get this bag. what irks me even more-er is I saw a chick at bloomies w/it last nite and it looked hawt. hot. en fuego. torched. bonfire. stick a fork in me im on fire!

confession: I saw this bag [b!tch] on macys.com like a month ago. the only reason I didn’t pull the trigger and buy it (yes, I have some sorta shopping restraint) it looked waay to big and I couldn’t use the macys coupon. ugh. whatta farty farce. ok. 2 reasons.

ok, I lied. another reason: macys doesn’t take bloomingdales cards. like ewe. I mean department stores are department stores, its like a modern family (if you watch the tv show, unlike me you would know what this means. and/or if you live in the 21st century [yes, that’s now. 2010] that’s pretty much every family these days. the only things blood-ly related these days in families are the pet hamsters [well, how convenient is inbreeding?])

ok. lost my train of thought. anywho. my point is bloomingdales cards should be accepted anywhere. like I should be able to buy a skinny latte at starbucks w/my bloomies store card. preach sista! preeeeach!

ok. I lied. thought of another reason: thought I couldn’t fit my fat arm around the bag strap, and use like a shoulder bag. apparently not. chick at bloomies last nite had no problemo doing so. which pee’d me off even more!

because you know why?...

of course macys.com is sold out!

and you know what?...

I want it even more!

gosh. im sucha model shopping addict. someone get me a shrink! and a drink!

happy [not black] friday.

click for more info: michael michael kors hamilton camo convertible tote

the script science & "hot" faith

2010-12-02T14:49:00.001-05:00

im itching like I got bed bug bitty bites to listen to this album!

the hottie band from the emerald isle’s newest album drops in the good ole u.s. of a january 18, 2011. however, the lucky (naturally) irish were able to snag this album back in september. guess the motherland home country gets 1st dibs. boo.

plus on itunes (yes im starting to buy music. its apparently a federal offense to steal music. boo) they only give you a preview of the 1 song “officially” released.

so this impatient arse (definition: @ss in british, and maybe even irish) decides. I cannot wait. so, in the midst of blogging this post, I go on amazon.uk and purch@ss this album for £10.68. its set to dispatch (british proper noun for shipping) tomorrow! woo hoo. for those of you dyyyyying to convert that to dollars, go knock yourself out. I can care less. tho if you do find out, feel free to email/comment/call/e.t. phone home me the total…

cant remember the last actual cd I bought…

nope still cant remember…

nope…

I hope a cd is a cd. not like stoopid dvds that have weirdo formats. I mean, you kno, ive been outta the whole buying cds game for a long hot minute. im kinda outta the loop.

ps: since im like soooo intuitive and smart (ha) notice the u.s. drop date on the script’s official website reads 1/18/10. someone had year-ities. my newly documented discovered human-psycho-neuro diagnosed disease where one keeps typing the year before even after the turn of the new year. this because of the muscle memory has atrophied in the brain and its thinking it’s the year before because of habit. evidence of my smart @ss here

in lay-man’s terms. its 2011, and you dummy keep typing/writing 2010. generally, the disease cures itself after a couple months and/or your type-o caused a natural computation disaster whereas you’ve learned your lesson not to type 2010 ever every again. dude. imagine if you typed on a birth certificate the little whipper (whipper-a in espanol) being borned 1/3/2010, instead 1/3/2011.

tho 1 benefit of being a year older than you are, you get to drive a year early. or more importantly drink “legally” at 21. but seriously who really drinks their 1st alcoholic drink at 21?........

pps: wow this is a wordy post. note to self: shut your pie hole and get back to work!

click for more info: the script science & faith

hello kitty hello cuse "empire" syracuse tee

2010-11-23T16:10:00.001-05:00

oh. my. god.

I die. I die.

its like finding a marc by marc jacobs syracuse tee. well if that would to ever happen, my head literally would explode like a fn hand grenade. like sheeeeer excitement.

I mean this is pretty dang cool too.

who woulda ever thunk the hello kitty empire would dip into the sports world? to men that’s like the sign of the sports apocalypse.

click for more info: hello kitty hello cuse syracuse tee

marc by marc jacobs petal to the medal "dodo" natasha messenger bag

2010-11-23T12:56:00.001-05:00

we just had our holiday party last nite (yes. on a monday. that’s how we roll). so you can just imagine what [hell bent outta] shape I am in today.

only thing im good for today is eating all your food and shopping online. cause both don’t involve me using my brain neurons. cause currently brain neurons are not synapse-ing (aka: out of order).

tho typing now, is causing some sorta painful synapse, tho that also might be the melting of my membrane. soon enough it may ooze outta my ears. ooh fun. just one request brain, please ooze after lunch time, cause I don’t wanna loose my appetite, let alone my…lunch.

ok. new subject. what is up with marc by marc jacobs and birds? its not bothering me, but im just curious what has brought on the sudden bird theme in his most recent merch? is he serious about saving birds? if so what kinda birds? dodo birds (tho think those b!tches are extinct)…

actually never mind. I really don’t care about the birds. I just care for marc by marc jacobs sh!t. even more when im hanged-over. it puts me in a good mood (for once).

btw. whenever im in a good mood, people question me. like are you ok? you run over an old geriatric person? apparently, my good mood is as rare as a dodo bird. meaning, pretty non-existent.

haha. almost posted this sh!t and realized I didn’t even mention the bag.

its pretty. its got birds (apparently my new fave aminal). and its marc by marc jacobs. hows that for a product review? ***** (5 stars)

click for more info: marc by marc jacobs petal to the metal natasha messenger bag

crate & barrel set of 3 "hoot" fabric-felt owls

2010-11-18T16:34:00.001-05:00

these are a hoot!

literally one of the only reasons im blogging about this. im a sucker for these owl puns. yes, that qualifies me as a f*cking cheesy cornball. but seriously…

whooooo gives a [f*cking] hooooot!

ahahaha. owl always love puns.

ahahaha. I made another pun-ny funny!

ps: made from recycled materials. we love owls whooooo care for the earth. (sorry. couldnt resist one more [big] pun).

click for more info: crate & barrel set of 3 fabric-felt owls

crate & barrel woof dog meow cat "bastard" stockings

2010-11-18T16:06:00.001-05:00

for most people, pets are like family members. for most people, pets are more loved than certain family members. I mean I loved my lil gerby gerbil kirby more than…

…sh!t I forgot my bro and sis read this blog. love ya guys! tee hee hee. (dude. gotta smooth sh!t over with the sibs, if I wanna get a christmas gift from those two. wink wink.)

anywho. we love love love our pets so much, well now their stocking must get a place on the mantle. next to mommy, daddy, brother, sister, step sister, step brother, ½ brother, ex-step sister, 6th cousin, great ex-step aunt, and bastard illegitimate ½ sister (well pending d.n.a. results, to be revealed on next week’s maury).

ps: what if your cat and/or dog decided they were jewish? I mean cant force religion on your pets. im just sayin…

someone get that kitty a menorah!

click for more info: crate & barrel woof dog stocking

click for more info: crate & barrel meow cat stocking

sorel joan of arctic "conventional" boots

2010-11-16T16:21:00.001-05:00

its raining today. so natch I would shop for. yes, you scholars guessed it. rain boots. god, I have sucha smart peanutty gallery.

those hunter boots are like soooo in. so natch this rebel goes against the riptide (grain is soo played) and looks for cooler, non conventional boots. I mean in my mind theyre non conventional, so then they must be non conventional.

I call these high fashion duck billed boots. I mean you can turn any oogly duckling into a high fashion diva by just adding [water] fur lining, a hint of sassy red color and a $130.00 price tag. dude. I dig.

dude. I love this home depot chic fashion.

click for more info: sorel joan of arctic boots

grammar rebellion. on guuuuuard!... (yes ive lost my mind. its 4pm ive had a large cawffee and im fn craaacked out)

2010-11-16T16:00:00.001-05:00

I sometimes go back and read my masterpieces of blog post. just to remind myself what a wackadoode-ly funny genius I am. and also, jesus. i must get such rapid diarrhea of my thought process that I literally blog faster than I type (make sense?).

obviously, as evidence of my un-grammatical display of the english language in this blog, I do not (nor ever will) posses a copy editor. aka a little hamster with thick horned rimmed glasses proof reading bullsh!t. I wont allow proof reading. I even turn of auto cap and spell check for goodness sake. grammar rebellion! roooooooooooar!

plus editing means:

a) I have to [painfully] read the mess ive created (I make mess. I don’t clean)
b) I have to read
c) my innate and natural ability of writing funny sh!t shall not be touched. its like the amazon jungle. mother nature’s natural beauty. do not touch.
d) the realization that my grammar school teachers were bribed by my family (aka the korean mafia) to pass me in every grade. meanwhile, I still think punctuation marks were just cute shapes added to sentences for some sorta decorative purposes.

that’s all.

crumbs grasshopper "x-rated" cupcake

2010-11-12T16:00:00.001-05:00

warning: due to the racey nature of this photograph, anyone under the age of not appreciating the goodness of crumbs cupcakes is prohibited from reading any further. parental supervision is highly advised.

seriously. this pic of this grasshopper cuppy cake is like porn. food porn. anything that heightens any sorta human juices needs to be x-rated. i mean we need some sorta regulation.

god. imagine if the cupcake wrapper just fell off (aka like wardrobe malfunction)? its like watching victorias secret models frolicking naked in a beach. i mean that fn sexy yo.

someone get me some cold @ss [skim] milk. i need to cool off.

click for more info: crumbs grasshopper cupcakes

marc by marc jacobs mr. marc "powder" headphones

2010-11-12T14:32:00.001-05:00

ok. mr. marc I gotta admit kinda skeevy lookin. he looks like powder from that movie…powder.

tho its got marc by marc jacobs stamped on it. so I will forgo the “sex offender” crazed look and embrace mr. marc.

literally its marc jacobs. don’t need a background check with that stamp of approval.

click for more info: marc by marc jacobs mr. marc headphones

marc by marc jacobs miss marc with birds & mr. marc iphone "fine" cover

2010-11-12T14:13:00.001-05:00

my young apple-ling iphone 4 needs a new wardrobe. and like mamma she is only liking the finer things in life. fine, im mean marc by marc jacobs. cant get finer than that. seriously. not arguments please. or ima give you an hassan chop [marc by marc jacobs branded] beat down smack down. he’s the breeeeeeast!

since today im dripping in marc by marc jacobs, then why should my lil bebe apple-ling? we can have matching outfits! cuuuute.

ive created a monster. literally a chunk off the ole [bag] block.

click for more info: marc by marc jacobs miss marc with birds iphone cover

click for more info: marc by marc jacobs mr. marc iphone cover

marc by marc jacobs mini "garnish" mp3 speaker

2010-11-12T13:55:00.001-05:00

warning: im gonna have diarrhea of marc by marc jacobs in the next hour. if you don’t love [obsessed/stalking] him the way I do, I suggest you shut you pie hole and just sit back and worship the marc by marc jacobs products (and empire) that im about to spew on yo @ss…

holiday shopping people. it no longer starts day after tofurky day (in honor of you veggie-tarians). no longer does black friday mark the day of holiday wackadoodle-ness. no people. get on it! you start holiday shopping the minute after day light savings time ends. I mean we’ve been saving daylight for all these months, now its time to spend what we’ve saved! (that absolutely makes no sense. lame. I tried.)

most importante thing of holiday shopping is stocking stuffers. it’s the accoutrement of the holiday gift. so if youre gonna get me one, get me something good. cause im all about condom-ents.

so since I got like 50 ipods, what better garnish than a mini mp3 speaker (by marc by marc jacobs of course…)

hold the parsley.

click for more info: marc by marc jacobs mini mp3 speaker

jones bacon soda "sluggy" holiday pack

2010-11-05T12:42:00.001-04:00

if I wasn’t so hungover, I wouldn’t have just puked in my garbage can at the notion of bacon soda.

tho if I was drunk enough, I’d try a jack and bacon soda. dude when you get to the point of drunk, you’ll pretty much drink anything.

…and “do” pretty much anything

I know. lame post. im sluggy sluggish today. literally probably every post today will pretty much be a rotten fat goose egg.

barf. eggs. ewe.

click for more info: jones bacon soda holiday pack

white castle pulled "waiver" pork

2010-11-04T12:45:00.001-04:00

dude. ive literally been outta the game. someone needs to place me on fast food waivers cause my food performance is horrible. if you got me on your fast food fantasy team, drop my @ss. actually I’ll make it easier, i’ll put myself on injured [food fatty] reserve. definitely. indefinitely.

when the f*ck did sh!t castle make pulled pork sangwiches?! meandering white castle’s website has been life food changing.

I mean the item description says it all on the “menu” section of the site. “it’s white castle. it’s pulled pork. you’re welcome.”

that is food poetry to my belly. now pulled pork sangwich…

get. in. ma. belly!!

ps: how cute?! my internet explorer tab has a little hamburger when you open up whitecastle.com on it. sooo cute I had to take a screen shot.

pps: notice. the most awesome-ist and tastiest blog in the universe (shopping out loud.)’s tab is sitting next to whitecastle.com tab. its like elvis sitting next to michael jackson. superstar match made in heaven. literally.

click for more info: white castle pulled pork

white castle "uhh" breakfast

2010-11-04T12:18:00.001-04:00

uh. since when did white castle serve breakfast?!

this has been the best kept secret (from me) since finding out mariah carey is preggo.

speakin of preggo. im must be preggo (which literally would be an act of god in this case). im trolling/stalking the internet looking for pictures of [sexy] food. like, staring at my computer screen looking/swooning at pictures of fast food. I mean it doesn’t help that they photoshop airbrush these foods to look extra [sexy] juicy. its makes my food pheromones race.

oooh baby. sausage cheese on bun, you is a hot tamale! [insert cat call whistle whistle].

its literally like me clicking thru the white castle website is like a perv clicking thru playboy.com. the similarities are striking.

I got mad issues.

click for more info: white castle breakfast

white castle flavored "oof" chicken rings

2010-11-04T12:00:00.001-04:00

trolling the white castle website. be prepared for a windfall of posts on sh!t castle quality foods.

limited time only! in honor of the return of flavored chicken rings, free 3-piece chicken ring w/any purch@ss. expires 11/30/10. btw. I literally wasted a ream of paper printing out a month long supply copies of this coupon. tho I’ll be lucky if those coupons last me a couple weeks, let a alone a week. ima fatty!

and as a loyal and lifetime white castle customer, I am attaching the coupon link and picture.

oof. just got a terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriffic idea. dip these b!tches in a vat of blue cheese.

oof. even terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriffic-er idea. sprinkle some spicy buffalo sauce on top.

oof. ima fatty. they say fat kid love cake? well this fat kid loooooves me some sh!t castle.

…well, and cake too.

click for more info: white castle flavored chicken rings

gold bff "obnoxious" chat necklace

2010-11-04T11:37:00.001-04:00

my [icy cold] heart melted when I saw this necklace. listen im pms-ing. this is the best and worst time to get me.

worst: if you bother me, I’ll kill you.

best: if you wanna see me cry/gush over the stoopidest sh!t. ie: spilt leche…

this reminds me of when I was in 4th grade and bought one of those best friend heart necklaces that broke into 2 pieces. so obviously I keep one and my “bff” at that time (I had a revolving door of bff’s for obvious reasons. currently being an obnoxious adult [me] usually pretty much means I was a f*cking obnoxious adolescent [lil me]) kept the other one.

well, obnoxious lil me brings the other half to school one and pretty much asks a roster of chicks at the lunch table, so who should I give this to? like literally interviewing each one for the coveted position as my executive bff. eventually the bff [job] search ended with no avail. so I ended up keeping the other half for myself. lol…

not much as changed in the last 20 years. yes. 2 decades. yes. 4 half decades. yes. 5 leap years. yes. 240 months. anywho. meaning, if im buying you a gift, im usually gonna keep it and give you a lump of coal.

im a super [mutated] breed of an indian giver. get used to it. bah fn humbug.

ps: I have no fn business being on bloomingdales.com. I kno. however, im busy looking for a 60th birthday pressy for my mommy. and obviously, im not doing a great job lookin for her pressy. but doin a dang good job lookin for my own pressy and pressies for me, myself and i. see im not that selfish.

click for more info: gold “bff” chat charm necklace

bucking the trend...

2010-10-28T16:40:00.002-04:00

well because im just sooo f*cking trendy…

im breaking the streak. 3 straight months of 11 posts, broken. broken with this post. ha.

speaking of breaking streaks brett favre’s about to maybe get his consecutive starting at QB streak broken. that’s a big boo. I love bretty. tho apparently they removed the [das] boot he was in all week today. tho, even if he plays he aint starting on my fantasy football team. sorry betty bretty...

watch. bretty’s gonna throw for 500 yards and 5 touchdowns and no interceptions. and stoopid me will have him on the bench. just like I benched kenny britt last week, who then had a career game 225 yards and 3 touchdowns, and he missed the 1st quarter because he got thrown in the pokey for something that obviously broke the law. and guess what? he was sitting on my bench too.

I swear fantasy football is giving me an ulcer and wrinkles. I need some mylanta and botox.

have a boo-tastic halloweenie folks, im out. took tomorrow [t.g.i.f.] off to take care of some “life” errands that have been sitting in the back burner. its been a pleasurable october for the most part. next time you hear from me it’ll be november and 24 days closer to my favorite holiday…thanks-gobble-gobble-giving.

pass the gravy b!tch.

michael kors camo "i want" satchel

2010-10-28T16:09:00.001-04:00

ok. so im obsessed.

ive been looking everywhere for this b!tch. sold out sold out sold out. wtf?! its like trying to get backstreet boys tickets circa 2000 [I want it thaaaaaat way].

my only option it seems is either eBay or backordering it online. backorder? like I don’t wait for sh!t. I want it now. now…!!

I should write a letter to michael kors (and cc heidi klum and bcc nina garcia, just for sh!ts and giggles) stating how the shortage/sold out-ness of the camo line he released this fall has cause me undue irreparable emotional/physical/consumer shopping stress. and immediate action needs to take place.

aka on the immediate action: send me [for free] the whole camo line. bags, belts, shoes, clothes, undies, hosiery, etc.

ps: please overnight it. one more day of this agony and I might die of wanting camo. die or explode. either outcome = no bueno.

click for more info: michael kors camo satchel

sound of music 45th anniversary dvd "rarrr" edition

2010-10-28T15:53:00.001-04:00

edel f*cking weiss [pronounced e- del - f*cking – vais].

its been 45 years since mary [julie andrews] poopins do-a-deer’d us in this classic flick. literally the only reason im aware of this blessed edel-anniversary is the original cast (including the jon & kate plus 8 minus 1 brood of von trappy children) are appearing on the oprah winfrey show…actually airing today. well actually in t-minus 18 minutes.

and on this anniversary, of course they must issue a special dvd edition. I mean the retired von trappy kids need to make a living somehow, someway. thank god for royalties.

ps: christopher plummer aka captain von trapp was one hot piece of @ss in this film. i woulda climbed his every mountain (w/a nun costume) anytime. anyday. raaaarrrrr…

click for more info: sound of music 45th anniversary dvd edition

due date "lil mush" movie

2010-10-28T15:23:00.001-04:00

spent a good amount of my day today trolling the internet for pictures of french bulldogs like some convicted pet sex [love making] offender.

speaking of sex [love making] offender, I literally stalk french bulldogs on the street, like the creepy lurker that I am. I chase dog owners taking their innocent lil mush out for a walk just so I can pet and play with them. nevermind striking up conversation w/the owner. my focus is to solely pet and play with the intended doggy target.

this past weekend, I followed a frenchie owner into his building just cause his lil mush was ridic tooo adoooorable for words. I like had to pet the lil mush. my heart was melting as we met eyes.

ugh. and now all these trailers and posters for the movie due date are out, and they have their lil mush featured on the poster. pool lil mush has a cone around his noggin. too ridic adoooorable for words.

for serious. the only reason I wanna watch the movie is to see this lil mush. screw robert downey, jr. lil mush is the star of this flick.

ps: don’t worry frenchie owners. I wont steal your dog. ive already had thoughts of swiping ones tied up outside stores many of times. the fact that I haven’t pulled the trigger and stolen one at this point means I will never do it…

pps: unless the lil guy just cannot resist me, breaks out of his leash and runs to my arms. then it wont be considered “stealing.” or in legal terms grand theft puppy.

click for more info: due date movie

xxl "sperminated" chalupa

2010-10-28T13:13:00.001-04:00

god. honking down a 6 pack of these b!tches would produce an amaaazingly enormous food baby. when can I get sperminated?

ewe. gross. sorry. I literally wrote about food and human juices in the same sentence. groddy gross.

anywho. the closest taco bell is 50 madison ave [click for map/directions from office – taco bell] as aforementioned in the previous post. obviously this is part deux doo...

im literally drooling (someone gimme a bib. and a beer.) staring at this beefcake masterpiece.

so im reading the description, cause apparently my work computer doesn’t have smell-a-vision (someone get the IT dept here. stat. and a beer. even stat-er) to get an accurate account on all the ingredients. and the kicker is this chupa-chalupa-cabra is topped with reduced-fat sour cream. [insert lmao-esque giggle here].

listen. im not one to talk. I’ll prob wash these b!tches down with some [jack &] diet coke. I mean you gotta skim off some of the calories if you’re gonna consume 650 calories x 6 = I dunno my calculator just crapped out on me. I think its on a lunch break. wait. I bet that b!tch went to taco bell w/o me. that calculating biootch!

f.o.c.u.s.!!!

listen. lets not have this attitude “well im already eating 6000 calories, whats another 500?” every calorie counts. that’s why they call it calorie counting. that extra 500 calories can be the difference between life and death (aka heart attack)/a size 6 jeans and size 14 jeans/chin or double chin/liposuction or gastric bypass/34A or 38A/dingleberry dookie or big big dookie (ewe).

such pressing life decisions. do the right thing. get the diet coke. you’ll thank me later with a gift certificate to where else?

taco bell.

click for more info: taco bell xxl chalupa

lex friedman & megan morrison the snuggie "punctuation" sutra

2010-10-28T12:15:00.002-04:00

ahh. the snuggie. forever engrained (unfortunately) in pop culture.

I mean if your commercial’s jingle is a reeeeemix of the macarena (which btw, my computer just auto capitalized “macarena” meaning, my computer is obviously well versed in poop culture knowing the “macarena” is a proper noun, hence needing to be capitalized, however im rebelling and not capitalizing it because my penmanship in real life I write in all caps, so in the “unreal” life of typing in computers/text messaging/emailing/facebook posting/twatting (aka the act of twittering in past tense) I switch sh!t up and only type in lower case).

yes. I have english grammar/punctuation ocd. im a f*cking punctuating grammatical maniac.

further evidence of this, I totally lost track of what I was posting about, as I got lost in my grammatically punctual ocd-ness haze.

as I was saying…

…I mean the snuggie’s anthem is a reeeeemix of the macarena. that alone puts this product in the poop culture hall of fame [whore].

…speaking of whores, so these two chicks wrote an actual book (dude. I was issued an isbn number. that’s f*cking official. now all it needs is a dewey decimal number, and that’ll launch this book into hall of fame [whore] status in the library stratosphere).

god! an’ here I go, again (on my oooown. going down the only road ive ever knooooown) losing my blog of thought...

sorry hadda blog [belt] out that whitesnake tune. couldn’t resist.

ok. focus. must. need adderall. you can do it…..!

…so this snuggie sutra book is apparently about different love makin positions (I hate the word “sex” soo f*cking crass) while taco’d in a snuggie. tho, I think that’s the premise of the book. again lemme reiterate my voluntary illiteracy (meaning I choose not to read because I hate reading. it hurts my head).

f.o.c.u.s. !!

I gotta [taco] wrap this up. mmm. yo quiero xxl chalupa.

ok. so basically it’s a book about different positions while boning in a snuggie. the end.

ok gotta go. running to 80 madison ave (aka “the border”). aka the closest taco bell.

click for more info: lex friendman & megan morrision snuggie sutra

reebok justin tuck ny giants premiere "weenie" jersey

2010-10-22T15:09:00.001-04:00

seriously. they only reason im forced to wear reebok (ewe) is cause theyre the official gear of the nfl. I no like reebok. sorry its just against my nike religion. tho it doesn’t officially state in the nike bible (old or new testament) to hate reebok, but my deep fundamentalist nike beliefs makes me no like reebok.

ps: real women wear defensive linemen jerseys. none of this dinky im wearing the quarterback’s jersey. those aren’t real fans. theyre just wearing the qb’s jersey cause a) he’s like sooo cute b) that’s the only player they know on the team c) it’s the only jersey that came in like pink d) or like was bedazzled

die weenies.

click for more info: reebok justin tuck ny giants premiere jersey

mcdonalds "horny" mcrib

2010-10-22T14:55:00.001-04:00

dude. the porky b!tch is back. all hail the mcrib.
[cue: halo and heaven ringtone]

my hungover @ss is just saliva-ating at the sight of this sight of wonder. like its literally the 8th wonder of the world (well in my drunk haze of a world). ugh. the dripping and oozing of bbq sauce its driving me crazy. god this sangwich is a sexy beast. im sooo turned on. im like food horny.

ok. me and mcrib are gonna get a room. im gonna ravage this b!tch in privacy.

ps: 22g of protein. that automatically qualifies this porky b!tch as a healthy meal (well in my drunk haze of a world).

pps: who the f*ck checks mcdonald’s nutrition facts for actual nutrition info? literally I check it out for sh!ts and giggles and for comic relief. it’s a f*cking joke! nothing is “healthy” in mcdonalds, aside from the ice in your soft drink. even the f*cking lettuce is fattening cause its been smooshed in between a fatty beef patty and slab of queso. poor leafy lettuce just absorbs the fat thru osmosis. for reals yo. its no joke. its basic food science. duh…

click for more info: mcdonalds mcrib

zoo owl "liquid" lunch bag

2010-10-22T14:34:00.001-04:00

im obsessed with this thing. I just bought it for my friend’s baby shower. heavily pondering going back and buying one for myself.

speaking of halloween. what an ingenious disguise [costume] for my daily “liquid” lunch. no one will suspect a thang. even better, I can pour my “liquid” lunch in a sippy cup. hot diggity gosh im sucha f*cking genious!

ps: sh!t. hope she doesn’t read this blog before tomorrow. if so, woops. surprise tash! this is what im getting you for your baby shower. amongst other things that I will avoid posting like an idiot before the event.

pps: actually hope she reads this. cause then I can screw the gift wrapping. yes work por me!

click for more info: zoo owl lunch bag

michael kors norwell "trenches" camo shoes

2010-10-14T15:56:00.001-04:00

can you imagine doin some g.i. jane sh!t with these b!tches on? you would be one hot @ss [bald] marine. work it girl!

I can just picture sashaying down the trenches in 4” heels while trying to avoid gunfire. now thats is a hot look. I dare any of those model b!tches walkin the runways of paris to top that.

click for more info: michael kors norwell camo shoes

l.a.m.b. "armor" poppy boots

2010-10-14T15:32:00.001-04:00

since this stoopid fall weather has commenced, I need (yes. need) to go shopping for clothing [armor] in preparation for the [war] cold weather.

historically, ive shunned boots. they trap my little feet-sies (wow that sounds like feces…well if you have a lisp). my little feet-sies have a crippling bout of claustrophobia when in boots. poor little piggies. however, this year, thanks to therapy/meds and pretty much my strong arming, they have cooperated and have allowed the wearing of boots this season. hoooo-ray!

so what happens when you give an shopa-alcoholic a new trend/clothing category to go shopping for? she goes bat shIt ape sh!t nuts. already purch-@ssed a pair. and now I want more and more and more and more pairs of boots. yipeeeeee!

im trolling piperlime, and I must say almost every pair I like, its got the “rachel zoe pick” stamp of approval. like nuh duh, of course I would have the same taste as ms. [bananananas] zoe. like her, I got a fn gold medal in shopping and an a+ in styling and a enormous shopping problemo. bananananas!

so poppy was like my “I die I die I die I die” boots. like love love love love love l.a.m.b. (baaaaah). well aside from the $600 sticker price (like that matters), I did try them on at bloomingdales, and they are officially on my shopping stalker radar.

I got problems! hoooo-ray!

click for more info: l.a.m.b. poppy boots

not quite a month...

2010-10-14T15:30:00.001-04:00

apparently I was on a hiatus. a vacation. a siesta. a sabbatical. call it what you want. yes. ive been away. but the good news is. im back. hoooo-ray! (seriously, don’t ya’ll implode in excitement. really. its aaaight).

I cant promise my material will be just as sharp and satirically witty before my hiatus/vaca/siesta/sabbatical/stint in rehab/prison (that’s like sooo lindsay lohan chic). gotta scrub off the rust and cobwebs, and squirt some of that trusty wd40 in my [tin man] brain and I’ll be good to go. I think…

for serious. this change in season just cripples me. soooo tireeeeed. sometimes I just need to pop some poor man’s adderall (diet pills/caffeine pills) just to jump start my @ss to function daily. don’t judge. at least that sh!t’s legal. I tried getting a prescription for adderall, however, the doc deemed me too smart for it.

ha. no comment.

dj gallo view from the "hip" upper deck

2010-09-16T12:41:00.001-04:00

“if the onion were to go all-sports, it would look like this.” – sports illustrated

should dj gallo was re-incarnated into a chick*, he would be me.

*and yes. I am a chick. I do posses the necessary female genitalia to qualify as a xx chromosomal homosapien, contrary to my foul mouthed beer gut attitude problem/demeanor.

dj gallo is the man. I bow to his sportspickle. (heh heh).

dj and I should just get married. can you imagine our wedding vows? the [monsoon] drips of sarcasm when we profess our goo-goo [lady] ga-ga love would reach heights of hilarity. dude. that’s when you know it’s a match made in [screaming] satire heaven.

however, a little weary of procreating children. literally they’ll be shootin from the hip right outta the womb. the kid’s gonna have one smart mouth. and by the age of 3, he’ll have is own award winning kiddie blog entitled “I don’t do veggies, so why the f*ck do I have to eat em?” where he chronicles his g.f.y.m/d. (go f*ck yourself mom/dad) moments and struggles with adjusting to life after the terrible 2’s.

click for more info: dj gallo view from the upper deck

envirosax cookie "kookie" monster bag

2010-09-14T16:09:00.001-04:00

cookie monster bag! what ive always wanted…

dude. these bags are durrr-able. it holds up to 44lbs! you can shove a whole toddler and/or a pre-schooler in one of these sacks.

if I get stopped by child and family services agent, I’ll just blame cookie monster and say he thought the kiddies were kookies. hehe…

click for more info: envirosax cookie monster bag

enviorsax greengrocer "skillz" pouches

2010-09-14T15:30:00.001-04:00

this set would be nice if I had enough money to afford more than one bag of groceries per trip to the stupidmarket. actually sometimes I don’t even ask for a bag, since I buy soo few groceries I can literally carry them in my arms. now that’s saving the environment!

free ballin your groceries back to your house. that’s some [green] skillz son.

click for more info: envirosax greengrocer pouches

envirosax mini "save" sax bag 2

2010-09-14T15:20:00.001-04:00

uh how cuuute is this?

a new and “green” way to bring your brown bag lunch to work. and its got a lil cuppy holder for your lil [boozy] drinky drink. maybe it’ll encourage me to bring my lunch to work instead of spending [wasting] $10 a day in feeding ma belly on the most important meal of [my] day. lunch. I love you lunch.

tho, as “green” as im tryin to be with the environment, I really need to get “greener” with my money. (nice analogy right?) I waste my benjamins (actually im lucky to even have a george washington in my wallet) like I got the bankroll of steve jobs, oprah [love you] and bill gates combined.

yea. no. not even jesus and god (even throw in moses and the wise men) make that much cash combined.

save the earth! save my bank account! save the whales! save ferris!

click for more info: enviorsax mini sax bag 2

nike nike+ gps "documentary" app for iphone

2010-09-14T14:21:00.001-04:00

dude. this would be a embarrassment for me.

the gps would show me make it maybe 5 blocks outside my apartment, then….the end. I mean theres commercial jingles that last longer than my maximum capacity to go for a run. ok, maybe to give myself some teeny credit, I can probably run longer than a gap christmas commercial. impressive eh?

in conclusion. cool app. not cool for lazy ex-smokers with shoddy sh!t knees and absolutely zilch endurance.

tho…. !

idea: maybe I can use this app to track my goings/happenings on a night out in the town. then at least I’ll have some sorta documentary on the tail end of my bar bender binge night. (since my brain doesn’t seem to absorb memory in the event of a blackout).

click for more info: nike nike+ gps app for iphone

fred "im getting" toasted notes

2010-09-10T15:57:00.001-04:00

since it’s the @ss end of the day and the @ss end of the week, im pretty much checked out. so to waste away the last 2 hours of work, I stalk people on facebook and/or comment on every status update and picture. (note: please don’t look for me on facebook if youre not already my friend. I don’t need anymore. j/k. well not really…)

so a facebook friend asks anyone been to joshua tree?

naturally my alcoholic brain is thinking the bar in murray hill.

so nope. he’s talking about the joshua tree in california. which btw. had nooo idea existed.

naturally my mind at 3:47pm is focused on 1 thing and 1 thing only. happy hour. duh.

I blow this popsicle stand in t-minus 13 minutes. I make my own happy hours. biooootch.

ps: speakin of toasted. that’s what I will be in t-minus 10 beers from now.

pps: i’ll need to write my home address on a toasted note now, so I can give to cabbie to get my stumblin bumblin @ss home tonite. hehe.

ppps: see how useful this sh!t I post about are? (whoah was that like correct grammar?)

click for more info: fred toasted notes

nike air max courtballistec 2.3 tennis "the man" shoe

2010-09-10T15:16:00.001-04:00

congrats to rafa “wedgie pick king” nadal in making into the us open semis with the defeat of his fellow countryman verdasco.

dude. rafa is the man. aside from the fact he is dating some smokin hot model from spain (I tink) and he’s got the #1 ranking in mens tennis. I mean those reasons alone make him the man.

but my reasons that rafa is the man are, he’s got nike as a sponsor. like ahhh…! (cue: halo above nike swoosh and flip the light switches on in the heavens).

and he has the sickest gear made pacifically for him. like ahhh…! (cue: halo above nike air max courtballistec shoe).

and not even just that, it comes in the sickest color scheme nike has ever coupled. black and neon green. like ahhh…! (cue: halo above…well just a halo).

and its has the prefix “air max”. like no one [shoe] just gets the “air max” prefix. like you have to be especial. ie: air max burst, air max 95, air max 97, air max tailwinds. those are iconic nikes. so, for rafa to have his own shoes baptized with air max is muy grande deal.

so my point is, to bring a summation to my post:

rafa is the man. nike is god. and I am thirsty for an alcoholic beverage.

get me some nikes so I can run my @ss to the baaar.

viva la rafa wedgie! …and espana!

…maybe i’ll have some sangria tonite.

click for more info: nike air max courtballistec 2.3 tennis shoe

apple ipod "r.i.p." nano 6G

2010-09-10T13:34:00.001-04:00

im uber tempted to add to my [kate plus 8] brood of iapplings ever since the yearly fall announcement by steve jobs [my father] of new apple products couple weeks ago.

I currently own at least 1 gidgaget from each ipod/iphone line. with the exception of a nano. last year we lost 1G nano. we think he succumbed to over usage. however, a final autopsy was never performed so an official cause of sh!tting the bed is undetermined.

anywho. the new nano its like uber chic. its like apple just kicked the design model for this new b!tch into [lets get] high gear. I mean it looks like someone took an itouch and threw it in the dryer for like 5 hours. its so eeny meeny teeny tiny miney moe.

plus I cant plug my nike + ipod sport doesn’t work with my 2G shuffle and 3G shuffle. and I aint bringing ipod classic or iphone 4G or 3G to the gym with me, too friggn big.

I mean I have no choice. ive tried to reason with [me] myself [and I] through this pickle of a situation. the only solution we have come to is to get one.

guess I have to look for a bigger place. me and the iapplings are outgrowing my current matchbox apartment...

ps: whoah, we’re at 6G nano already? whoah. my dearly departed 1G musta really lasted a loooong time. r.i.p. in apple heaven my dear…

click for more info: apple ipod nano 6G

design spray "dull" apfelbrett macbook cutting board

2010-09-09T15:50:00.001-04:00

funny. my boy T forwarded me this kitschy kitchen accessory (must have for you apple iwhores).

funny. I have like 2 dead macbooks in my apartment rotting away underneath my couch. I could just resurrect one of them and use it as my crafty cutting surface and save the €43 in buying the legit bamboo one (too lazy to convert to $. if you really care, go convert yourself on oanda.com).

funny. tho I think my trusty ole metal powerbook would dull my razor sharp wusthof knife. that would be a no bueno.

funny. why would this non-cooking non-chef own like a $200 wusthof knife? well I figure if you’re gonna hold a knife to an intruder (I live in nyc people), figure the sharpest and most expensives ones would be the most effective?

ps: props to my girl jenny jen. I stole the word iwhore from her. genius girl. genius. funny.

click for more info: design spray apfelbrett macbook cutting board

nikon "in new here" d3100

2010-09-09T15:29:00.001-04:00

i have: d3000
this is: d3100

d3100: 14.2 megapixels
mine: I have no clue (haven’t even opened the instruction book yet)

it (d3100) has that I (d3000) doesn’t have: records video, auto preview, and etc. (actually im just too lazy to read/comprehend the “other” specs).

pretty much: I just want because its just newer.

cant that be reason enough?

disclaimer: if you want real reasons why to buy this new guy, go read like some legit photography blog. this blog is the most superficial shopping guide you will come across. if its new, hot, made by marc jacobs or just expensive I will tell you to buy it.

click for more info: nikon d3100

nike roger that mens t-shirt

2010-09-09T15:17:00.001-04:00

another year another us open. I do go to these every year. not just cause of the tennis. not just cause of the “buzz worthy” atmosphere. not just case of the overpriced dee-lish food. not just cause I love ralph lauren.

its cause I wanna re-live my glory days of being a ball girl. im sure ive mentioned this before in my blog. but I don’t care. its gotta be the coolest gig (and lowest paying at $4.75/hr) ever. so cool ive begun to add it to my [stellar] resume. I figure it’ll be a nice conversational piece next to my [yawn] employment history and [yawn] edu-ma-cational deets.

sooo pretty much im still riding the coat tails of my accomplishments as a youth. since so far as an adult, my accomplishments/accolades have pretty much plateau-ed.

listen. it happens to every teenage prodigy. we cant be perfect and overachievers all our lives.

just had flashbacks of piano lessons, tennis lessons, karate lessons, art lessons…

I’ll never be michelle kwan!! (as I screamed to my mom one day as a 16 year old). tho the irony is, I never took figure skating lessons, since my parents made me go to korean school instead on my weekends.

ps: apparently this post is like my memoir of my childhood past. ima gonna put the kibosh on it now, or else its gonna be a diarrhea of just diarrhea.

pps: roger federer is the sh!t. figured id mention something of the product im blogging about…

click for more info: nike roger that mens t-shirt

banana republic delicate "hanging" beads necklace

2010-08-26T11:31:00.000-04:00

good morning! I hate everyone. :)

I texted this to a buddy today. it’s the culmination of how the last 3 hours (how long ive been awake today) has gone. obviously, i know these symptoms of putrid hatred im feeling today are as a result of a medical condition. but hey, I cant f*cking help it. someone cure me of my pms disease. or as I would put it, a disease called being a girl!!

f.m.l.

I literally wanna shoot myself. or the more dramatical way of exiting this world, hanging. what better and prettier way to do this act of drama, than with a pretty necklace? seriously that’s the 1st thought I had when I did my daily morning online shopping rounds (normal people read the morning paper. I online shop). I was like, “hey this would make for a nice and pretty hanging noose device.” god. im a sicko.

alright I’ll end the misery. someone get me a midol.

ps: don’t worry. im not going to harm myself. I have waaay to much to live for. like my upcoming fantasy football drafts on sept 1st.

click for more info: banana republic delicate beads necklace

pop deluxe hare and "rarely" comb

2010-08-25T14:55:00.000-04:00

hare and comb. da-dum-chum.

gotta love puns. un-funny [dorky] people need to thank their lucky [dull] & [dim] stars for the invention of puns. w/o them they would just have nothing. at least if they zing a pun, its like awww, the dork tried to make a funny. da-dum-chum fail.

so I finally read the description of this hare and comb product thinking is for grown ups. nope. its for kids.

not that I would ever buy, since I haven’t combed my hair since 1995. tho it would make for cute décor in my matchbox apartment.

ps: to prove that im a funny person. I tried to think of a pun to use in this post, and could not.

reminder: only unfunny [dorky] people use puns.

click for more info: pop deluxe hare and comb set

marc by marc jacobs happy dot mabel "whore" bag

2010-08-25T14:03:00.000-04:00

I want!

miserable rainy weather in nyc this week and its cold (a freeeeeezing 66 degrees) and the days are getting shorter, das boot!

also im pms-ing. shocker. like: go. f*ck. yourself.

so happy dot mabel baggy (aside from a bacon swiss mushroom sautéed onion cheeseburger w/platter of disco steak fries w/extra gravy) would just about make me the most enormously happiest human alive right about now.

anywho. how cute is mabel? perfect for cold rainy days like today, just brings a smile to my face. (the aforementioned cheeseburger deluxe meal would bring a huge-er smile, to the point my face will cramp. no biggie. at least that proves to ya’lls I aint on the botox and can move my mug.)

honestly I’ll tell you. [preach sista!] anything branded marc jacobs brings a smile to my face. like a toilet bowl brush branded marc by marc jacobs would make me gleeeeee. im sure ive written this before. but I just cant express to you enough my love for mj.

ps: today im wearing a marc by marc jacobs dress as I toddle around nyc in the rain w/my marc by marc jacobs umbrella and my marc by marc jacobs tote bag. talk about being a marc by marc jacobs [prostitution] whore. thatsa me!

click for more info: marc by marc jacobs happy dot mabel bag

lacoste peanuts "checked out" polo collection

2010-08-12T15:18:00.000-04:00

and the red baron lives on!

well courtesy of the uber pretty label lacoste, snoopy and his pals are celebrating their 60th anniversary in style. wow, btw, snoopy’s in great shape being a 420 [hehe] year old pup) in style.

my only dig on this trip down [snoop] doggy nostalgia way, where are the chicks from the peanut [gallery] gang? [york] peppermint patty? lucy? I mean even the a fleet of woodstocks get their own tee atop the croc, but the chicks get squat? I can just hear all the feminists gettin all up in a tizzy about this.

im down to burn some bras to get pp and lucy onto a lacoste polo. I got some old training bras from back in the day (which all still fit me, sadly) I can throw into the bonfire.

ps: I feel like this post could’ve been funnier/more entertaining. I mean it had potential. you got the peanuts gang and uber chic lacoste as topics of discussion, and all I could [gudens] mustard is that loppy post above? listen, I literally wrote this sh!t in like 5 minutes. literally verbal diarrhea. it’s the tail end of the day and week, im checked out. I aint re-reading/editing sh!t anymore.

pps: tho ive been checked out since 9:15am on Monday, August 9th, 2010. im even too checked out to find another excuse why this post sucks. so f*ckin suck it.

click for more info: lacoste peanuts polo collection

georgia bulldog pet cheer "obese" dress

2010-08-11T17:18:00.000-04:00

well isn’t this fitting. a bulldog rocking a georgia bulldog cheerleader outfit.

speaking of fitting. how about those unfortunate dogs that are built like linebackers? (ie: great danes, labs, or just really obese bulldogs). I mean a medium fits 14” – 18”, so for those pooches sizes L and up, youre sh!t outta luck.

tho. seeing a humongo pooch in a cheer skirt would be like seeing a drag queen in one of these pixy outfits. pretty dang hilarious. I must say, the bully dog modeling this little ditty is pretty fn hysterical lookin, I must say.

however, with closer inspection, seems like the outfit is photoshopped on. at least they didn’t forget to put the poor meatball’s head back on after all the cropping/retouching. tho he seems to be missing a hind leg. that or he just doesn’t have one. listen this aint victoria’s secret catalogue, where they hire the top-est notch-est retouchers. this sh!t was prob done by some summer intern getting paid jack sh!t.

arf. arf.

click for more info: Georgia bulldog pet cheer dress

angry little girl speak "pulp" well tee

2010-08-03T11:39:00.000-04:00

dude. if 1 more @sshole asks me at the laundromat “do you work here?” im gonna beat them to a silly f*cking pulp. so severe of a silly f*cking pulp, your jaw will be wired shut sooo tight, you cant even sip oj pulp from a straw.

racist b@stards. oh and for good measure, I’ll shove dry cleaning sheets up your @ss. so you can do the world a favor and make your farts it smell downy fresh. we don’t need your stereotypin @ss polluting our air quality too.

so this tee kinda sums up my feelings re: the above situation.

click for more info: angry little girls speak well tee

angry little girls why you "suffer" waste money?! wallet

2010-08-03T11:15:00.000-04:00

since when did my momma dearest get an endorsement deal with angry little girls?

I guess for all the pain in the @ss suffering she’s endured raising my raging menstrual/money wasting @ss, she deserves to make some dough off my anger/shopping debt problem.

wtf. I want an endorsement deal for all the pain and suffering I'm dealing with being me!!

click for more info: angry little girls why you waste money?! wallet

fred "beaker" fingerfood

2010-08-03T11:12:00.000-04:00

*don’t try this at home*

but this maybe a coke snortin b!tch’s best friend (like bff). its like a traveling table/flat surface. too bad it doesn’t come in a mirror finish.

im just sayin…

note: in absolute no way do I endorse any illegal substance abuse [festivus] activities. especially activities that involve putting sh!t up yo beaker.

click for more info: fred fingerfood

angry little girls budget "rollover" love tee

2010-08-03T10:45:00.000-04:00

(and she adds under her breath) “and I still have 8,900 unused rollover minutes.”

death to boys!

ps: the loser boy is wearin a white wife beater. I would never give that punk my digits! only I (me) is allowed to wear the wife beaters in this relationship.

click for more info: angry little girls budget love tee

angry little girls weenies should be "deep" fried

2010-08-03T10:29:00.000-04:00

boys are stupid. boys are gross. as a result their weenies should get fried. like deep fried corn dogs in some scathing canola oil (hold the mustard).

then maybe they can grow a real brain (aside from the duo of brains housed near/down under their weenie). amazballs how a boy can have 3 “brains” and still be as f*cking ret@rd clueless.

ps: just got my period. like my --------------------> .
(no thats not a dot of dust on your computer screen stoopid.

pps: its annihilate anything with a weenie day.

ppps (and special note): boys beware of this bleepin beefin b!tch. bring me a beer or I’ll boffin beat your big @ss butt, boy.

yuck fou!!

click for more info: angry little girls weenies should be fried print

angry little girls i "100%" hate people print

2010-08-02T13:02:00.000-04:00

this is me. 24/7. 365 days a week. all day, all night, any day.
this lil asian gal embodies my feelings towards humans 100%. she is me. I am her. we are one.

angry. lil. asian. girl(s).

we hate people. so you best get to steppin. or we’ll dish a good tongue thrashin.

angrylittlegirls.com is my newest fave website. the quotes by angry kim are like my life’s biography.

so get to know me. check out the site. and I mean now.

get to steppin!

click for more info: angry little girls I hate people print

fred fingerprint "the bird" bookmark

2010-07-30T11:38:00.000-04:00

I don't read. but for you book worms that do, here's a nifty little innovative invention that sets a new standard in bookmarking.

I think it wouldve been funnier [I mean high-larious] if the finger was flippin the bird. I mean it would still serve the same function, with just a lil touch of vulgarity.

even more funnier [and evev more highest-larious] if we used one of my proposed flippin the bird bookmarks invention on a mother goose rhyme book.

I bet mother [f-word] goose would very much not appreciate that.

ps: puhh-lease. you think mother goose rhymes are soo rated g? I think not. jack and jill did not go up the hill to fetch a pail of h2o. anyone past the age of 16 knows what they reeeally went up the hill for...

hip hip hooray happy friday sn!tches!

click for more info: fred fingerprint bookmark

fred "ear drum" 500xl speakers

2010-07-29T15:52:00.000-04:00

only the most devoted [cult] fans of apple would appreciate this piece of electronic gid gadget art.

that or shaquille oneal and yao ming can use these as headphones. bet the ones they make for regular humans just sinks into their ear drums. no bueno.

click for more info: fred 500xl speakers

fred 2-carat "stuffer" cup

2010-07-29T14:53:00.000-04:00

this would be a great [parting] gift bag stuffer for the rejects of the bachelor. its like thanks for being a contestant [hired reality show hoe]. but sorry b!tch, not only were you not offered a rose, but here’s something to remind you what kinda [engagement] ring you're desperate @ss wouldve had. womp womp...

@------->----- (no rose for you!)

ps: youre better off girl. you probably saved yourself from getting an std and a famewhore-ing dude for a fiancé. however, I guess if you sign up for sucha show, youre just asking for both of the aforementioned winning “prizes.”

click for more info: fred 2-carat cup

fred "butler" citrusaw

2010-07-29T14:24:00.000-04:00

just had mexican “naked” burrito from qdoba for lunch. so basically for the carb conscious, it’s a burrito w/o the tortilla, get it naked? that’s some rocket science food marketing sh!t.

however, this fat kid decides, since ive said the hell with the tortilla, I decide to order a side of nacho chips. I figure the nachos would be a nice eating utensil device (and tastier) than a stoopid boring fork when eating the wonderful contents of my naked bowl.

all this talk of mexican mexico food, yo quiero la cerveza mas fina. or as I will translate into ingles: ¡I want a f*cking corona, now!

and I found corona’s new bff. the citrusaw. not only does it uncap, it also slices limes with such precision. its like corona’s little own personal butler.

…and we will name him jeeves. cheerio.

click for more info: fred citrusaw

fred beat "down" it drumstick chopsticks

2010-07-29T11:09:00.000-04:00

im avoiding the human race like the bubonic plague today. pms has literally kicked into ludicrous speed gear. like im about to annihilate someone today. so stay away unless you wanna shed a [niagara] waterfall of tears.

so in celebration of me being a hermit today, you good people will probably hear a sh!t ton from me. who else am I gonna talk to? I already obliterated my imaginary friend. and the imaginary friends of america association refuse to get me a replacement since this last guy (goodness bless his soul) was already my 9th one.

so apparently I need an outlet for my anger. always thought of picking up drumming. it seems less violent than picking up muay tai or kickboxing, cause I feel like those are teaching me human @ss kicking skillz. remember, im trying to remedy the anger, not promote.

so in taking baby steps in learning my new [theraputical] instrument, I feel like these little doo dat drumstick chopsticks would be great start to my musical instruction.

plus if I end up sucking at drumming, I can actually use them as food utensils. or as pick up stix. or weapons.

clearly it will take a village to cure this angry biotch.

beat it b!tches!

click for more info: fred beat it drumstick chopsticks

fred "smurf" iplunge

2010-07-28T16:39:00.000-04:00

big ups to jenny jen for bringing to my attention this most wonderful of websites. fred (which ironically is her bf’s name. hehe). whom I call simply, the fred.

btw. im gonna blog the sh!t outta the proddy-ducts from the site. my [death] wishlist of things is ret@rdedly looooooong.

a midget plunger! I can gift this to papa smurf for christmas. he was always complaining of the toilet cloggin in his [magic] mushroom casa de smurf.

well so how it usually works when I gift people things, its always a bogo (well my version of a bogo). buy 1 for the gift-ee, and get one for the gift-er. sh!t part, the gift-er’s gift aint free. poo.

anywho. papa gets a midget plunger for his bathroom, and I get one for my iphone 4. or, how it usually works when I gift people things, I end up just keeping both. :)

click for more info: fred iplunge

anthropologie "trippy" bendy flatware

2010-07-28T16:36:00.000-04:00

its like dining [mess] hall flatware. sh!t bends just poking your [overally well done] meatloaf. I can almost argue the sh!t’s made outta tin or aluminum foil.

so to make your [get your] grub [on] eating experience even more interesting (tastier?) theres the bendy flatware collection. almost looks like flatware that stars as props in a trippy tim burton movie.

apparently humans will do almost anything to make their [dining] lives more entertaining. I guess…

click for more info: anthropologie bendy flatware

anthropologie imprinted "prodigy" palette egg caddy

2010-07-27T13:22:00.000-04:00

how fun. this deviled eggy plate reminds me of my days as a painting prodigy at the age of 9. dude man, I was whippin out picasso-esque still lifes back in the day. I was a wizard of watercolors. sultan of still lifes. emperor of easels.

…you get the picture

then I discovered sports three years later (actually I hit puberty and started finding pro athletes hot), and that began the end of my artistic career.

however, as life becomes full circle, im tryin to pick up art again. this cause all the pro athletes that I used to crush on are retiring and all the new bucks are literally all younger than me. I mean, when theyre players borned in the 90’s in the major leagues, you realize the need to stop chasing your dream to marry a pro baseball player and/or become a pro groupie. retire to cougar-dom with some respect. hence, whats the use of watching sports anymore?

well especially if youre a mets fan. then you'd stop watching baseball cause of the mercy rule.

click for more info: anthropologie imprinted palette egg caddy

im on a roww...

2010-07-27T12:18:00.000-04:00

this is what happens when you imitate [mock] a f.o.b.-by (fresh off the boat) asian accent on a daily basis. you end up speakin like it! talk about practice makes f*cking perfect. golly…

on a side note. im bangin out these posts today like a kung fu ninja. hiyaaaaah!

boredom + hyper caffeinated coffee + anti-bloating water pills = a lean (thank you diurex) mean (thank you pms) blogging (thank boring job) machine (thank you juan [exxon] valdez)

speakin of exxon. this coffee im drinkin tastes like diesel fuel. which is probably what these poor aminals/marine fishy life are swallowing everyday in the gulf. f*cking b.p. I wanna hiyaaaah and hassan chop your oil wastin @ss soo bad.

absolut berri "slim" acai

2010-07-27T12:03:00.000-04:00

…and I hopey this vodka helps me lose weight. how awesome-ical would that be? get f*cking hammered to lose weight.

that’s hands down more fun-ner than chuggin on a treadmill and ripping sit ups until you heave.

I mean, I guess you will heave if you get drunk enough. however, puking while drinking tho is waaaay more admirable than pullin the trigger exercising. only weenies do that.

ps: f*ck you spell check! stop auto-correcting my spelling of absolut. ugh!! you just did it again.

!!f*ck suck duck f*ck jock sh!t b!tch sh!t f*ck suck f*ck suck duck f*ck sh!t b!tch sh!t f*ck cock suck!!

…ahh that felt good.

click for more info: absolut berri acai