Friday, April 22, 2011

katy perry opi "girlie" collection

I have like all of katy perry’s songs on my ipod and my gym ipod shuffle (yes, I have different ipods for different occasions in my life). I fn love this b!tch k.p..

listening to her songs even brings the “girlie” out of my hardened [criminal] tomboy exterior. dude you cant belt out “california gurls” naked in your apartment without feelin a bit a feminine. work it [naked] diva!

well to add to this girlie-ness cumbaya is katy’s new nail polish line courtesy of opi. I literally flipped my sh!t discovering this at one of my neighborhood duane reades (no joke I have like three in a five block radius of my apartment. its like the starbucks of drug stores in manhattan).

naturally I bought the teenage dream color (also my fave k.p. song). uhh how fn bubble gum girlie can you get than pink nail polish with glitter?? best $9.50 I ever spent at duane reade.

now I’ll have a lil pizzazz with my spirit fingers and jazz hands during my choreographed “hi, im dancing naked in my apartment” routine while belting out katy perry songs like im performing at the finals of american [naked lonely single gal in nyc] idol.

click for more info: katy perry opi collection

Thursday, April 21, 2011

magic bullet "smorgasbord" baby bullet

my biological maternity clock has ran out of [double] d batteries a loooong time ago. and trust me im in no f*cking rush to replace them.

don’t get be wrong. I like those little runts. but at the end of the day, I like the option of giving them back to its rightful owners (parentals). pretty much im all for that return policy.

so when you hit my age of 10 x 3, you are swarming with pregnant people or people with kids. barf.

which means ive been to babies r us or buy buy baby or baby bucktooth buy r us blah blah blah baby a gazillion times looking for those neverending (and excruciating) baby showers I must attend. so I’d like to say ive become some sorta baby gifting guru.

so when I awoke at 4am last night (and no, not to boob feed my phantom baby. I had to tinkle so bad my bod tole me to wake my @ss up) I couldn’t go back to sleep. naturally I turned on the tv, and of course the only thing on was infomercials. which I knew for sure would put me to sleep. informmericals like the adult lullaby. well in my world.

apparently the inventors of magic bullet make the baby bullet now. a whole smorgasbord of a system that helps you make and store your own baby food. you can even make organic sh!t. its actually pretty friggin cute/cool. I actually stayed up and watched 17 minutes of it, til I dozed off.

btw. smorgasbord is in my spell check, random.
naturally I spelled it wrong and surprisingly spell check flagged my illiterate @ss and corrected me.

good catch spell check. you actually might have the better and more responsible qualities to become a better parent than me.

click for more info: baby bullet

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

links of london purple glitter "snip" heart shaped bars friendship bracelet

ok. if there is a word that describes being severely obsessed, then meriam webster you need to let me know.

I cant stop trolling the links of london website, and just “eye-site shopping” these bracelets. meaning: I cant afford you but I’ll rape you with my eyes until I find a way to buy you.

and after careful inspection I realized they make these friendship bracelets with individual bars in different shapes. wtf?! soooo dope.

jesus. christ. I need to snip snip cut cut all my existing credit cards (well the ones that aren’t literally at their chin-y chin chin limit). like stat.

see, that’s like the vasectomy birth control equivalent to controlling a compulsive [hoarding] shopper’s debt.

once you snip them b!tches, theres pretty much no way of impregnating anything any further.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

nike hair-itage "hairy" t-shirt line

switching gears from friendship bracelets to facial hair. guess that’s more like putting the car in reverse gear.

saw my boy mykee wear one of these tees from the hair-itage collection (literally he’s like king of tees. when his son was born he bought matching tees for him and the little lad on shirts for squirts. lol).

of course its like trying to find a saber tooth tiger in the wilds of central park when looking for these special edition tees for ladies. almost f*cking impossible.

btw. they seriously need to stop making tees for ladies in pink and/or rhinestones. no self respecting female sports fan (me) would ever f*cking wear that. I mean I rather get attacked by a saber toothed tiger than to don one of those ret@rdedly colored team gear.

anywho. went to the san francisco giants home opener couple weeks ago at at&t park. this is the team one of the most famous crafted facial hairs of today, brian wilson. low and behold they had nike ladies version of this hair-itage tee at the at&t park clubhouse store. its was like finding a saber tooth tiger fossil in the la brea tar pits. couldn’t have been more appropriate find at the most appropriate place.

of course I bought it.

I cant single out one tee, because seriously all of them are phenomenally awesome. so included link of bunch of them.

so for yous that will get obsessed (like me) and strive to buy the whole hair-itage collection. good luck. because I sure will try.

and that would be a very hairy situation for my credit card. eek…

click for more info: nike hair-itage t-shirt line

links of london "bff" mini heart fuchsia friendship bracelet

tho the whole point of friendship bracelets is that you actually give the dang thing to your “friend” to symbolize your everlasting friendship.


so according to my reaction, I can give two sh!ts giving someone a friendship bracelet. I think I am my most favorite friend. seriously. days like today when im pms-ing and realize my life is crawling with needy and annoying friends/people, I much rather have a friendship with just myself. seriously. I mean I cant even stand my imaginary friend for christmas sake. everyone just leave me alone!

I also much rather give myself the other half of one of those “best friend” two part heart necklace. that way, I [greedy mofo] gets to keep both halves. now that’s called winning (I know charlie sheen-isms were sooo march 2011) but I have to make up for my lack of march blogging effort. so im on a sorta one month time delay. excuse the un-trendy-ness.

so another “friendship” gift I wanna to give to my most favorite best friend for-eva (me) is this links of london bracelet of loooove.

tho with the $200 sticker shock, I may suck up to one of my most annoying/needy friends to purch-@ss this for me. in addition to showing how f*cking amazeballs of a friend ive been, but also payback for all the stoopid therapy and time ive dolled out listening to their ret@rded problems over and over and over and over and over again.

sh!t actually for all that, I f*cking deserve a suped up maserati and also them naming their first child after me.

therapy sure aint cheap these days…

lizzie fortunato "dexterious" antigua bracelet

trending these days are friendship bracelets.

tho im a friendship bracelet veteran (owned, sold and worn them since 1989), the newer “trendier” styles these days I gotta say im kinda obsessed. these aren’t your typical “I weaved my own friendship bracelet” with thread bought from woolworth (remember that store?). these new b!tches have like diamonds, sterling silver, mink, extinct sabertooth tiger teeth on them. I mean, hello luxurious.

ms. lizzie fortunato makes my new “gotta have” obsession these days. the antigua bracelet. tho ms. [tin] lizzie wasn’t oh so generous with the suggested manufacturer’s retail price of $146.00.

bah. wah.

btw. another “bah. wah.” point.

remember when you would weave your friendship bracelets and the tape you used to hold up the string kept falling the f*ck off? yea, well. I just remembered that [teenage] angst moment when that would happen and felt that spurt of anger [acid] flashback. god. that was so annoying.

think at one point, I just used my feet like a monkey to hold onto it as I masterfully woved my friendship masterpiece.

moral of this [baby got] flashback moment is the awesomeness of my dexterity and my artistic friendship bracelet impression scores. well and also to cover the fact that I had one blog entry in the month of march and its april 19, and im entering my first entry of this month.