Thursday, October 28, 2010

bucking the trend...

well because im just sooo f*cking trendy…

im breaking the streak. 3 straight months of 11 posts, broken. broken with this post. ha.

speaking of breaking streaks brett favre’s about to maybe get his consecutive starting at QB streak broken. that’s a big boo. I love bretty. tho apparently they removed the [das] boot he was in all week today. tho, even if he plays he aint starting on my fantasy football team. sorry betty bretty...

watch. bretty’s gonna throw for 500 yards and 5 touchdowns and no interceptions. and stoopid me will have him on the bench. just like I benched kenny britt last week, who then had a career game 225 yards and 3 touchdowns, and he missed the 1st quarter because he got thrown in the pokey for something that obviously broke the law. and guess what? he was sitting on my bench too.

I swear fantasy football is giving me an ulcer and wrinkles. I need some mylanta and botox.

have a boo-tastic halloweenie folks, im out. took tomorrow [t.g.i.f.] off to take care of some “life” errands that have been sitting in the back burner. its been a pleasurable october for the most part. next time you hear from me it’ll be november and 24 days closer to my favorite holiday…thanks-gobble-gobble-giving.

pass the gravy b!tch.

michael kors camo "i want" satchel

ok. so im obsessed.

ive been looking everywhere for this b!tch. sold out sold out sold out. wtf?! its like trying to get backstreet boys tickets circa 2000 [I want it thaaaaaat way].

my only option it seems is either eBay or backordering it online. backorder? like I don’t wait for sh!t. I want it now. now…!!

I should write a letter to michael kors (and cc heidi klum and bcc nina garcia, just for sh!ts and giggles) stating how the shortage/sold out-ness of the camo line he released this fall has cause me undue irreparable emotional/physical/consumer shopping stress. and immediate action needs to take place.

aka on the immediate action: send me [for free] the whole camo line. bags, belts, shoes, clothes, undies, hosiery, etc.

ps: please overnight it. one more day of this agony and I might die of wanting camo. die or explode. either outcome = no bueno.

click for more info: michael kors camo satchel

sound of music 45th anniversary dvd "rarrr" edition

edel f*cking weiss [pronounced e- del - f*cking – vais].

its been 45 years since mary [julie andrews] poopins do-a-deer’d us in this classic flick. literally the only reason im aware of this blessed edel-anniversary is the original cast (including the jon & kate plus 8 minus 1 brood of von trappy children) are appearing on the oprah winfrey show…actually airing today. well actually in t-minus 18 minutes.

and on this anniversary, of course they must issue a special dvd edition. I mean the retired von trappy kids need to make a living somehow, someway. thank god for royalties.

ps: christopher plummer aka captain von trapp was one hot piece of @ss in this film. i woulda climbed his every mountain (w/a nun costume) anytime. anyday. raaaarrrrr…

due date "lil mush" movie

spent a good amount of my day today trolling the internet for pictures of french bulldogs like some convicted pet sex [love making] offender.

speaking of sex [love making] offender, I literally stalk french bulldogs on the street, like the creepy lurker that I am. I chase dog owners taking their innocent lil mush out for a walk just so I can pet and play with them. nevermind striking up conversation w/the owner. my focus is to solely pet and play with the intended doggy target.

this past weekend, I followed a frenchie owner into his building just cause his lil mush was ridic tooo adoooorable for words. I like had to pet the lil mush. my heart was melting as we met eyes.

ugh. and now all these trailers and posters for the movie due date are out, and they have their lil mush featured on the poster. pool lil mush has a cone around his noggin. too ridic adoooorable for words.

for serious. the only reason I wanna watch the movie is to see this lil mush. screw robert downey, jr. lil mush is the star of this flick.

ps: don’t worry frenchie owners. I wont steal your dog. ive already had thoughts of swiping ones tied up outside stores many of times. the fact that I haven’t pulled the trigger and stolen one at this point means I will never do it…

pps: unless the lil guy just cannot resist me, breaks out of his leash and runs to my arms. then it wont be considered “stealing.” or in legal terms grand theft puppy.

click for more info: due date movie

xxl "sperminated" chalupa

god. honking down a 6 pack of these b!tches would produce an amaaazingly enormous food baby. when can I get sperminated?

ewe. gross. sorry. I literally wrote about food and human juices in the same sentence. groddy gross.

anywho. the closest taco bell is 50 madison ave [click for map/directions from office – taco bell] as aforementioned in the previous post. obviously this is part deux doo...

im literally drooling (someone gimme a bib. and a beer.) staring at this beefcake masterpiece.

so im reading the description, cause apparently my work computer doesn’t have smell-a-vision (someone get the IT dept here. stat. and a beer. even stat-er) to get an accurate account on all the ingredients. and the kicker is this chupa-chalupa-cabra is topped with reduced-fat sour cream. [insert lmao-esque giggle here].

listen. im not one to talk. I’ll prob wash these b!tches down with some [jack &] diet coke. I mean you gotta skim off some of the calories if you’re gonna consume 650 calories x 6 = I dunno my calculator just crapped out on me. I think its on a lunch break. wait. I bet that b!tch went to taco bell w/o me. that calculating biootch!


listen. lets not have this attitude “well im already eating 6000 calories, whats another 500?” every calorie counts. that’s why they call it calorie counting. that extra 500 calories can be the difference between life and death (aka heart attack)/a size 6 jeans and size 14 jeans/chin or double chin/liposuction or gastric bypass/34A or 38A/dingleberry dookie or big big dookie (ewe).

such pressing life decisions. do the right thing. get the diet coke. you’ll thank me later with a gift certificate to where else?

taco bell.

click for more info: taco bell xxl chalupa

lex friedman & megan morrison the snuggie "punctuation" sutra

ahh. the snuggie. forever engrained (unfortunately) in pop culture.

I mean if your commercial’s jingle is a reeeeemix of the macarena (which btw, my computer just auto capitalized “macarena” meaning, my computer is obviously well versed in poop culture knowing the “macarena” is a proper noun, hence needing to be capitalized, however im rebelling and not capitalizing it because my penmanship in real life I write in all caps, so in the “unreal” life of typing in computers/text messaging/emailing/facebook posting/twatting (aka the act of twittering in past tense) I switch sh!t up and only type in lower case).

yes. I have english grammar/punctuation ocd. im a f*cking punctuating grammatical maniac.

further evidence of this, I totally lost track of what I was posting about, as I got lost in my grammatically punctual ocd-ness haze.

as I was saying…

…I mean the snuggie’s anthem is a reeeeemix of the macarena. that alone puts this product in the poop culture hall of fame [whore].

…speaking of whores, so these two chicks wrote an actual book (dude. I was issued an isbn number. that’s f*cking official. now all it needs is a dewey decimal number, and that’ll launch this book into hall of fame [whore] status in the library stratosphere).

god! an’ here I go, again (on my oooown. going down the only road ive ever knooooown) losing my blog of thought...

sorry hadda blog [belt] out that whitesnake tune. couldn’t resist.

ok. focus. must. need adderall. you can do it…..!

…so this snuggie sutra book is apparently about different love makin positions (I hate the word “sex” soo f*cking crass) while taco’d in a snuggie. tho, I think that’s the premise of the book. again lemme reiterate my voluntary illiteracy (meaning I choose not to read because I hate reading. it hurts my head).

f.o.c.u.s. !!

I gotta [taco] wrap this up. mmm. yo quiero xxl chalupa.

ok. so basically it’s a book about different positions while boning in a snuggie. the end.

ok gotta go. running to 80 madison ave (aka “the border”). aka the closest taco bell.

Friday, October 22, 2010

reebok justin tuck ny giants premiere "weenie" jersey

seriously. they only reason im forced to wear reebok (ewe) is cause theyre the official gear of the nfl. I no like reebok. sorry its just against my nike religion. tho it doesn’t officially state in the nike bible (old or new testament) to hate reebok, but my deep fundamentalist nike beliefs makes me no like reebok.

ps: real women wear defensive linemen jerseys. none of this dinky im wearing the quarterback’s jersey. those aren’t real fans. theyre just wearing the qb’s jersey cause a) he’s like sooo cute b) that’s the only player they know on the team c) it’s the only jersey that came in like pink d) or like was bedazzled

die weenies.

mcdonalds "horny" mcrib

dude. the porky b!tch is back. all hail the mcrib.
[cue: halo and heaven ringtone]

my hungover @ss is just saliva-ating at the sight of this sight of wonder. like its literally the 8th wonder of the world (well in my drunk haze of a world). ugh. the dripping and oozing of bbq sauce its driving me crazy. god this sangwich is a sexy beast. im sooo turned on. im like food horny.

ok. me and mcrib are gonna get a room. im gonna ravage this b!tch in privacy.

ps: 22g of protein. that automatically qualifies this porky b!tch as a healthy meal (well in my drunk haze of a world).

pps: who the f*ck checks mcdonald’s nutrition facts for actual nutrition info? literally I check it out for sh!ts and giggles and for comic relief. it’s a f*cking joke! nothing is “healthy” in mcdonalds, aside from the ice in your soft drink. even the f*cking lettuce is fattening cause its been smooshed in between a fatty beef patty and slab of queso. poor leafy lettuce just absorbs the fat thru osmosis. for reals yo. its no joke. its basic food science. duh…

click for more info: mcdonalds mcrib

zoo owl "liquid" lunch bag

im obsessed with this thing. I just bought it for my friend’s baby shower. heavily pondering going back and buying one for myself.

speaking of halloween. what an ingenious disguise [costume] for my daily “liquid” lunch. no one will suspect a thang. even better, I can pour my “liquid” lunch in a sippy cup. hot diggity gosh im sucha f*cking genious!

ps: sh!t. hope she doesn’t read this blog before tomorrow. if so, woops. surprise tash! this is what im getting you for your baby shower. amongst other things that I will avoid posting like an idiot before the event.

pps: actually hope she reads this. cause then I can screw the gift wrapping. yes work por me!

click for more info: zoo owl lunch bag

Thursday, October 14, 2010

michael kors norwell "trenches" camo shoes

can you imagine doin some g.i. jane sh!t with these b!tches on? you would be one hot @ss [bald] marine. work it girl!

I can just picture sashaying down the trenches in 4” heels while trying to avoid gunfire. now thats is a hot look. I dare any of those model b!tches walkin the runways of paris to top that.

click for more info: michael kors norwell camo shoes

l.a.m.b. "armor" poppy boots

since this stoopid fall weather has commenced, I need (yes. need) to go shopping for clothing [armor] in preparation for the [war] cold weather.

historically, ive shunned boots. they trap my little feet-sies (wow that sounds like feces…well if you have a lisp). my little feet-sies have a crippling bout of claustrophobia when in boots. poor little piggies. however, this year, thanks to therapy/meds and pretty much my strong arming, they have cooperated and have allowed the wearing of boots this season. hoooo-ray!

so what happens when you give an shopa-alcoholic a new trend/clothing category to go shopping for? she goes bat shIt ape sh!t nuts. already purch-@ssed a pair. and now I want more and more and more and more pairs of boots. yipeeeeee!

im trolling piperlime, and I must say almost every pair I like, its got the “rachel zoe pick” stamp of approval. like nuh duh, of course I would have the same taste as ms. [bananananas] zoe. like her, I got a fn gold medal in shopping and an a+ in styling and a enormous shopping problemo. bananananas!

so poppy was like my “I die I die I die I die” boots. like love love love love love l.a.m.b. (baaaaah). well aside from the $600 sticker price (like that matters), I did try them on at bloomingdales, and they are officially on my shopping stalker radar.

I got problems! hoooo-ray!

click for more info: l.a.m.b. poppy boots

not quite a month...

apparently I was on a hiatus. a vacation. a siesta. a sabbatical. call it what you want. yes. ive been away. but the good news is. im back. hoooo-ray! (seriously, don’t ya’ll implode in excitement. really. its aaaight).

I cant promise my material will be just as sharp and satirically witty before my hiatus/vaca/siesta/sabbatical/stint in rehab/prison (that’s like sooo lindsay lohan chic). gotta scrub off the rust and cobwebs, and squirt some of that trusty wd40 in my [tin man] brain and I’ll be good to go. I think…

for serious. this change in season just cripples me. soooo tireeeeed. sometimes I just need to pop some poor man’s adderall (diet pills/caffeine pills) just to jump start my @ss to function daily. don’t judge. at least that sh!t’s legal. I tried getting a prescription for adderall, however, the doc deemed me too smart for it.

ha. no comment.