Friday, July 30, 2010

fred fingerprint "the bird" bookmark





I don't read. but for you book worms that do, here's a nifty little innovative invention that sets a new standard in bookmarking.

I think it wouldve been funnier [I mean high-larious] if the finger was flippin the bird. I mean it would still serve the same function, with just a lil touch of vulgarity.

even more funnier [and evev more highest-larious] if we used one of my proposed flippin the bird bookmarks invention on a mother goose rhyme book.

I bet mother [f-word] goose would very much not appreciate that.

ps: puhh-lease. you think mother goose rhymes are soo rated g? I think not. jack and jill did not go up the hill to fetch a pail of h2o. anyone past the age of 16 knows what they reeeally went up the hill for...

hip hip hooray happy friday sn!tches!

click for more info: fred fingerprint bookmark

Thursday, July 29, 2010

fred "ear drum" 500xl speakers





only the most devoted [cult] fans of apple would appreciate this piece of electronic gid gadget art.

that or shaquille oneal and yao ming can use these as headphones. bet the ones they make for regular humans just sinks into their ear drums. no bueno.

click for more info: fred 500xl speakers

fred 2-carat "stuffer" cup






this would be a great [parting] gift bag stuffer for the rejects of the bachelor. its like thanks for being a contestant [hired reality show hoe]. but sorry b!tch, not only were you not offered a rose, but here’s something to remind you what kinda [engagement] ring you're desperate @ss wouldve had. womp womp...

@------->----- (no rose for you!)

ps: youre better off girl. you probably saved yourself from getting an std and a famewhore-ing dude for a fiancĂ©. however, I guess if you sign up for sucha show, youre just asking for both of the aforementioned winning “prizes.”

click for more info: fred 2-carat cup


fred "butler" citrusaw





just had mexican “naked” burrito from qdoba for lunch. so basically for the carb conscious, it’s a burrito w/o the tortilla, get it naked? that’s some rocket science food marketing sh!t.

however, this fat kid decides, since ive said the hell with the tortilla, I decide to order a side of nacho chips. I figure the nachos would be a nice eating utensil device (and tastier) than a stoopid boring fork when eating the wonderful contents of my naked bowl.

all this talk of mexican mexico food, yo quiero la cerveza mas fina. or as I will translate into ingles: ¡I want a f*cking corona, now!

and I found corona’s new bff. the citrusaw. not only does it uncap, it also slices limes with such precision. its like corona’s little own personal butler.

…and we will name him jeeves. cheerio.

click for more info: fred citrusaw

fred beat "down" it drumstick chopsticks





im avoiding the human race like the bubonic plague today. pms has literally kicked into ludicrous speed gear. like im about to annihilate someone today. so stay away unless you wanna shed a [niagara] waterfall of tears.

so in celebration of me being a hermit today, you good people will probably hear a sh!t ton from me. who else am I gonna talk to? I already obliterated my imaginary friend. and the imaginary friends of america association refuse to get me a replacement since this last guy (goodness bless his soul) was already my 9th one.

so apparently I need an outlet for my anger. always thought of picking up drumming. it seems less violent than picking up muay tai or kickboxing, cause I feel like those are teaching me human @ss kicking skillz. remember, im trying to remedy the anger, not promote.

so in taking baby steps in learning my new [theraputical] instrument, I feel like these little doo dat drumstick chopsticks would be great start to my musical instruction.

plus if I end up sucking at drumming, I can actually use them as food utensils. or as pick up stix. or weapons.

clearly it will take a village to cure this angry biotch.

beat it b!tches!


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

fred "smurf" iplunge





big ups to jenny jen for bringing to my attention this most wonderful of websites. fred (which ironically is her bf’s name. hehe). whom I call simply, the fred.

btw. im gonna blog the sh!t outta the proddy-ducts from the site. my [death] wishlist of things is ret@rdedly looooooong.

a midget plunger! I can gift this to papa smurf for christmas. he was always complaining of the toilet cloggin in his [magic] mushroom casa de smurf.

well so how it usually works when I gift people things, its always a bogo (well my version of a bogo). buy 1 for the gift-ee, and get one for the gift-er. sh!t part, the gift-er’s gift aint free. poo.

anywho. papa gets a midget plunger for his bathroom, and I get one for my iphone 4. or, how it usually works when I gift people things, I end up just keeping both. :)

click for more info: fred iplunge

anthropologie "trippy" bendy flatware






its like dining [mess] hall flatware. sh!t bends just poking your [overally well done] meatloaf. I can almost argue the sh!t’s made outta tin or aluminum foil.

so to make your [get your] grub [on] eating experience even more interesting (tastier?) theres the bendy flatware collection. almost looks like flatware that stars as props in a trippy tim burton movie.

apparently humans will do almost anything to make their [dining] lives more entertaining. I guess…

click for more info: anthropologie bendy flatware

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

anthropologie imprinted "prodigy" palette egg caddy





how fun. this deviled eggy plate reminds me of my days as a painting prodigy at the age of 9. dude man, I was whippin out picasso-esque still lifes back in the day. I was a wizard of watercolors. sultan of still lifes. emperor of easels.

…you get the picture

then I discovered sports three years later (actually I hit puberty and started finding pro athletes hot), and that began the end of my artistic career.

however, as life becomes full circle, im tryin to pick up art again. this cause all the pro athletes that I used to crush on are retiring and all the new bucks are literally all younger than me. I mean, when theyre players borned in the 90’s in the major leagues, you realize the need to stop chasing your dream to marry a pro baseball player and/or become a pro groupie. retire to cougar-dom with some respect. hence, whats the use of watching sports anymore?

well especially if youre a mets fan. then you'd stop watching baseball cause of the mercy rule.


im on a roww...


this is what happens when you imitate [mock] a f.o.b.-by (fresh off the boat) asian accent on a daily basis. you end up speakin like it! talk about practice makes f*cking perfect. golly…

on a side note. im bangin out these posts today like a kung fu ninja. hiyaaaaah!

boredom + hyper caffeinated coffee + anti-bloating water pills = a lean (thank you diurex) mean (thank you pms) blogging (thank boring job) machine (thank you juan [exxon] valdez)

speakin of exxon. this coffee im drinkin tastes like diesel fuel. which is probably what these poor aminals/marine fishy life are swallowing everyday in the gulf. f*cking b.p. I wanna hiyaaaah and hassan chop your oil wastin @ss soo bad.

absolut berri "slim" acai





…and I hopey this vodka helps me lose weight. how awesome-ical would that be? get f*cking hammered to lose weight.

that’s hands down more fun-ner than chuggin on a treadmill and ripping sit ups until you heave.

I mean, I guess you will heave if you get drunk enough. however, puking while drinking tho is waaaay more admirable than pullin the trigger exercising. only weenies do that.

ps: f*ck you spell check! stop auto-correcting my spelling of absolut. ugh!! you just did it again.

!!f*ck suck duck f*ck jock sh!t b!tch sh!t f*ck suck f*ck suck duck f*ck sh!t b!tch sh!t f*ck cock suck!!

…ahh that felt good.

click for more info: absolut berri acai

absolut "nuclear" brooklyn






uh. I hope you don’t taste like hipster. that’s all I havesta say. if so, gonna need some nuclear orange juice chaser to mask the flava.

big ups to screwing the driver.*

*random quote. had absolut-ly nuttin to do w/the post.

click for more info: absolut brooklyn

jack daniels chocolate "hormonal" gift box





as I play barista at my office’s flavia machine (I made an awesome dove chocolate & intense roast coffee mix + 1 spenda) and oh yea the pms is kickin it in high gear, im craving the following thangs [ps: too bad there’s no sambuca layin around the oficina. boo.] :

1. chocolate
2. booze
3. swiss cheese
4. jack daniels
5. dark chocolate
6. whiskey from tennessee
7. cocoa-late
8. slim jims

quite the shopping list of sh!t. just imagine all the hormonals going thru a pms-ing b!tch’s body [soul] kinda = to being preggo. aye the agony of being a xx chomo-sonal homosapien. waaaaaaah.

so apparently there is a god in the world of pms-ing. jack daniels dark chocolates.

w.h.a.t.!?!?!?!

shout out to my homey boy T bringing these lovelies to my attencĂ­on. you just helped save a couple lives today. w/o this blessed discovery (and impending [gleeful] ordering of these drunk chocs), I might’ve trashed a couple of co-workers with my scathingly “ima gonna rip you an new @sshole” vocab.

hold that thought: these b!tches are sold out!! [picture fire breathing dragon x 5 image].

speakin of barista skillz: maybe if I masticate a dark choc truffle [from godiva] and chase w/a shot of jack. problemo solved? I must try on my lunch “break”. I’ll keep ya’lls posted.

click for more info: jack daniels chocolate gift box

Thursday, July 22, 2010

huggies "pissed" jeans diapers














well now. another (f*cking cool) thing for babies/kids that I never had as a child. seriously, must be nice to be borned now. I mean for god sake, marc jacobs even makes a kid’s line. wtf?! all I had in the [reagan] 80’s was osh kosh b’gosh.

I mean kids are practically coming outta the birth canal with an iphone in one hand, a blackberry on the other [purely for biz-ness use] while sportin a pair of nike air jordans.

I came outta the birth canal naked and pissed off that I had to live in this god for saken world. plus my parents were pissed I wasn’t a f*cking boy, so they had to have a 3rd kid. so sue me. in fact, sue dad. he’s the one who’s supposed to supply the xy chromosome.

ps: levis is pissed they didn’t think of this concept.

pps: when did it ever become so cool to piss in your jeans? guess it is now…

click for more info: huggies jeans diapers

betty white "geriatric" clothing line








guess the last surviving golden girl is makin the most of her remaining time here on earth. rose nylund for-eva!

the betty white renaissance is in full [rex-n-] effect. talk about pop culture phenomenon, geriatric stylez. you got kids born in the 90’s lovin our adore-abe betty [boop] white. I mean bet-bet was of retirement age when some of these youngsters [shavers] where borned. some weren’t even borned when the show 1st aired (wow, talk about feeling old).

so now, they make these hoodie buddies with the likeness of our most favorite [air headed] gal from st. olaf.

betty white thanks you for being a friend (to animals) with every purchase of her clothing line. part of the proceeds go to morris animal foundation, where bet-bet is a trustee member.

click for more info: betty white clothing line

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

butch bakery "man" cupcakes








um wow. where butch meets buttercream.

men men men men man-ly men men men men…

dude I much rather wolf down a butch cupcake than some dainty pink b!tch princess-y sh!t (w/rainbow sprinkles).

the fact they marry booze into a cupcake is f*cking amazeballs. reading blog entries about these cupcakes, some claim to getting buzzes off eating these booze man-rinated cupcakes. even more amazeballs!

im mean, im willing to sacrifice getting a cuppy cake man-gover just to experience getting man-mmered off a confectionary [booze soaked] man-sterpiece such as these. however, ima gonna need at least 1 butch box to get a mild buzz on (holds 12 flavas for $48 + $8 delivery). slightly more expensive than a liter of jack, but hey, I’ll f*cking take it.

bestest invention since pot brownies I gotsta say.

ps: the site just crashed, prob due to a sh!t ton of web traffic. story about the bakery just posted on cnn.com. that or magnolia’s bakery just hacked into butch bakery’s server and deliberately sabatoged the site.

cupcake civil war. I love it. my dough’s on the man-tastic cuppy cakes. let the flinging buttercream battle com-mance!

click for more info: butch bakery cupcakes

Monday, July 19, 2010

double digits!


woo hoo! hit double digits in posts. 1st time since april. lets all observe this milestone and [un]holy [un]god-ly achievement.

hitting double digits. something the jonas brothers (sans the married one) can say about their “list”. (aka "roster") let alone them hittin a single.

play ball!

ps: helps my boss is on vaca and I do absolutely nothing to begin with. so I blog and torture you fine people with my terrible un-english sarcasm.

sperry "wonder bread" top-sider






apparently these are the new fad amongst man fashion. its like what say about gladiator sandals are to woman fashion.

what the f*ck?

w.t.f.?

really?

die!

ewe.

gag [reflex].

actually I lie. I don’t mind them at all. just wanted an excuse to tell the world how I gag [reflex] at gladiator sandals. oh! and the new nasty woman fashion craze, cuff sandals. I mean shove my [index] finger down my tonsil. upchuck!

im all about the preppy boat shoey look for man. it makes guys look like dawson’s creek/jcrew ads. so cuuute.

listen I love wonder bready boyz. leave me alone.

click for more info: sperry top-sider

pylones "starving" dog bank








so I got one of these for my [21st] birthday. since I cant/not allowed to have a dog, especially my beloved french bulldog, the next best thing is a inadament object with its likeness.

youre supposed you “feed” it money through its mouth, and voila! you got yourself a doggy bank.

hence, why I am not allowed a dog. the b!tch would die of starvation, cause I got no money (literally) to feed yo cute bull doggy @ss.

click for more info: pylones dog bank

kangaroos kids combat hook & loop "swoop, pull"








I love how babies sometimes look like old people. or I guess that’s the “nicer” way of people saying your kid is oogly. I mean, that’s just down right mean…………………………

but lookie. roos makes baby/toddler sneakers that look like ones that grandpa/ma rocks.

I mean is it just me or dont they look like ole people sneaks? it’s the velcro. the loop, swoop and pull gets a bit difficult with age I bet…

disclaimer: I looove old people and babies.


Friday, July 16, 2010

gk designs "holy" multi charm necklace





so they make these inspirational necklaces with inspirational words. kinda reminds me of that inspirational poem “footprints” which I have no clue (or remember) how it goes and/or what it means. alls I know it probably has something to do with jesus, and blah blah…

apparently never paid attention in church. but to my credit, I have read the entire chapter of genesis in that book called the bible.

ok. I just mentioned jesus and the bible. this blog is done. cause I have the [sudden] urge to type a cuss word. but this post has waaaay too much of a holy vibe even this heathen wont even dare.

its friday, I wanna at least live to enjoy the weekend ive worked so hard all week to get to…

amen.

click for more info: gk designs mutli charm necklace

zagg invisible "force field" shield iphone 4





yayayayaya. all this sh!tting on the new iphone 4. people can go f*ck themselves. no one talks sh!t about my little apple-ling [child] no matter what defects he may have. its not his fault!

I think it’s a big ole fat conspiracy. its not the f*cking antenna f*cking up people’s reception. its f*cking at&t. dude, they can go blow me with their sh!tty reception and service. like, blooooow me.

listen when you attack a rabid aminal’s [me] young, be prepared to get your @ss handed to you in a tin platter (garnished w/parsley).

ps: to further protect my apple-ling [son], I purch-@ssed the zagg invisible shield. this sh!t is apparently military grade material that supposed to protect the iphone 4 from life’s lil dings, kinks, and scrapes. kinda like a force field.

pps: installation is not that hard. ive read reviews with these ret@rds having issues installing this force field. I was able to do it hungover (or still drunk?) and semi-crossed eyed.

or, I guess people are just not as crafty as me. sucks to be you…


Monday, July 12, 2010

marc by marc jacobs "exploding" miss marc tote








dear marc (by marc) jacobs,

stop making such cute products. its because of you my bank account has exploded and my credit cards are even cutting me off. then you come out with these tote bags with french bull dogs on em. really?? its like stab me in the heart with a mail opener.

my two most favorite-ist things in the world, marc jacobs + french bull dog = I heart (<3)

I just overdrafted my bank account 3 times this month. I may have to go for a record 4th time. but this bag is worth it. looky, its even got a back shot of everyone’s hineys.

sincerely your [wild wooly mammouthed wacked out crazy fan],
me.


Friday, July 9, 2010

zazzle "poopular" ipood onesie





well now, isn’t this just toooooo darling.

just love how the act of dropping the deuce has somehow found its way into incorporating itself into poopular culture. come to think of it, I swear its all people talk about. poo-ing. either poo-ing issues of their own, their dog poo-ing, poo-ing in public stalls (and the fear of doing such an act). I mean its become sucha poopular phenomenon where the bad word version of poo-ing (sh!t) has itself become a wildly poopular cuss word.

the paragraph above was solely written in order for me to use the word poopular as much as possible. that’s all.

click for more info: zazzle ipood onesie

candwich "surprise" canned sandwiches





umm I dunno whats a better invention. spam or candwich?

ps: when youre done with your wholesome meal, there’s a “candy surprise inside.” yay! desert.

pps: im lightly labeling this as "food." no explanation needed.

ppps: god I love america.


click for more info: candiwch canned sandwiches

Thursday, July 8, 2010

links of london friendship "nerdy" bracelets










remember the babysitters club? well in my glory days as a youngster (when I scored straight a’s and hadn’t discovered booze yet…) I read every single book in the series, including the very super special versions, etc. I would go to the library religiously and look for the newest version. pretty much, I was a f*cking nerd as a kid. like not cool.

so to add to my nerdy-ness as a little whipper snapper, I organized in 4th grade a friendship bracelet club modeled after the babysitters club. we had a president (me of course) vice president, treasurer, court jester? etc. seriously, I barely remember the positions of power. these memories are probably me recollecting my days as @sshole champ in college where I was president for 9 straight games. dude. champ.

btw: if you don’t know what game im talking about, then you need to go back to college. like re-do all 4 years (including summer and winter sessions) and come back and talk to me.

sorry I literally di-gressed…

this friendship bracelet club is where I guess the whole point was to get a buncha friends together and make these silly bracelets and sell em to our fellow classmates. which in theory sounds so f*cking cute, but what 7 year old has enough money to buy anything? just think back in 1987, when I was 7. kids had no cell phones. you can get gum for 5 cents and kids weren’t dressing like [slutty] miley cyrus. actually miley wasn’t even born then. wow. im old.

so in conclusion, this club folded due to lack of profit/equity. pretty much, we sucked like today’s economy.

however, on the bright side, seems like friendship bracelets are making a comeback, thanks to links of london. just faaaaancier (said in a british queen liz accent). you can customize your own, or get pre-made ones. even ones that glow in the dark! so your “friend” can easily locate you when you play hide-and-go-seek in the dark. ha-ha. that was supposed to be funny, but I decided it wasn’t, but im too lazy to erase/strike it from the record.

ps: I swear, every single f*cking thing from the 1980’s seems like theyre making a comeback. now if only I can bring back my smart-ness/intelligence I had as a kid. however, that went out of fashion permanently just like milli vanilli and clear pepsi.

que sera sera…


marc by marc jacobs sketchy "pet" miss marc laptop case








soooo since I wear head to toe marc (by marc) jacobs, so shall everything around me. as I type sitting [dainty-ly] at my desk in my primrose patterned marc (by marc) jacobs dress, I troll the internet lookin for outfits for my newly fixed appling, macbook pro. she’s back from the repair shop all fixed and rejuvenated.

besides. im not allowed to have dogs. im practically not allowed to have kids (not by law. just by common human sense). so I need to have something to dress into cute lil outfits and prance around manhattan with. the closest thing I can think of as a pet/child is my beloved laptop macbook pro.

and my macbook will only be wearin marc (by marc) jacobs. biotch. and if only I can now find us some matching outfits, how cute [crazy] would that be?...