Tuesday, June 29, 2010

a la familia de apple


so yesterday I brought home from the hospital [best buy] the newest addition to my crazy “jon & kate plus 8-eque” family of apple gidgadets applings.


a bouncing baby iphone 4g boy. hooooray! welcome home son.


weighing in at 4.8 oz and 4.5 inches, he couldn’t be more beautiful. [octo] mom is doing ok, just a bit overwhelmed in keeping all her applings in check and order and charged and synced and updated and accessorized.


however, in light of this joyous occasion, his oldest sister macbook pro might’ve sh!t the bed. in preparation of iphone 4g’s arrival, she was preparing to upgrade her itunes just so her lil baby bro would be able to recharge and sync is bodily fluids seamlessly. something went horribly wrong, and she is now in the intensive care unit of the apple store genius bar in west 14th street (at 9th ave).


sigh.


note: this story was original written june 26, 2010. however, due to unforsee-able family circumcisions, we have been unable to blog at our unregularly scheduled program.


ps note: this is not a [doctor’s note] excuse for my sh!tty-ness in blogging this month. dude to the aforementioned “family” circumcisions and me turning 30 (yes folks, june 21, 2010 this gal turned the big trey x 10). thanks for the non-birthday wishes. I hate my birthday. any unsolicited birthday wish would’ve been met with a scorned scowl.

Monday, June 28, 2010

paul frank "stop lookin at me swan" buddies hoodie











I love it. fool proof clothing for morons [burnouts] like me. built in headphones into hoodies. saaa-weeet.

ive literally left the house without my headphones like in so many occasions where ive lost count (not that I can count past 20…) it’s the most enraging thing in the world. all I wanna do is listen to my ipod (his name is bOb. no for reals. b!tch got it tattooed on the back, or as apple would call it “engraving”)

listen, in nyc, in order to be left alone in the subway by whistling sex offenders, cracked out senile bums and short fat balding men tryin to get your attention just bump some beats on your ipod. and if they try to talk to you, just play “deaf” and if they get midly aggressive, flash them the “screw face”. what is the “screw face”? seriously no literally words can describe this look of hate towards humanity. if you really wanna see it 1st hand (or haven’t already seen it already) next time you see me, just scream “screw face!” and I’ll flash you my meanest pose.

I promise, it’ll make you cry.

muahahahaha.

click for more info: paul frank buddies hoody

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

the script album





true to form. id be in loooove with an irish band. [insert inappropriate drunk joke here].

I got the song “breakeven” on shuffle by itself on my ipod playlist and still managed not to get sick of it….yet.

the whole album is amazeballs. best album ive heard wall to wall/song to song since adam sandler’s “what the hell happened to me.” (dude that was a classic).

yes. adam sandler is music. music to my ears. please feel free to lose all respect for me…

click for more info: the script album

lemme (ex)splain myself...


as you can see, my blogging performance lately is as pathetic as a washed up used car salesman’s sales numbers. actually im giving myself toooo much credit. its f*cking worse. I should fire myself.

listen, ive entertained the idea of just quitting this sh!t and severing all ties with this blog. its a lot of time and pressure to upkeep my witty-ness (oh you’re so vain) and my shopping wish lists. but I just cant quit ya bloggy. youre like my sh!tty job, except I get no monetary benefits from your @ss. so actually, more of a reason to quit this popsicle stand and be done with you….foreva.

however, as I try to therapize myself (too cheap to hire a real shrink. dude, it’s a $30 co-pay. best spent on booze), im focusing on a re-birth of me. kinda of a do-over in life. start a new attitude and outlook in life. becoming more zen. focusing on the things that make me happy. blah blah blah…

in the midst of doing an inventory of all sh!t in going on in my life (1st step in rebith [AA] program), I pretty much came into conclusion: my life is like sooooo booooooring…

hence why my final decision: im staying with you bloggy. you give me joy, happiness and an outlet for my anger. ok, strike the 1st two mentions from the record. you are my pseudo-shrink. who else am I gonna blow off steam to when I am bummed about being poor or just a raging lunatic angry.

you.

you got me for life. together we will go through this journey of life rebirth [AA] for me.

viva le resistance!
I mean renaissance. same sh!t

Friday, June 11, 2010

apple iphone 4








when you go on apple.com the 1st thing you see is an ad for the iphone 4. tag line is “this changes everything. again”

no sh!t.

and it literally signals a sign of the an impending apocalypse.

my iphone 3g and bank account are afraid. veeeeeeeeeery afraid…

for their lives. as am I...

ps: as I was tryin to post this entry on my [on death row] iphone 3g, the blogger app literally quit on me like 3 times. this b!tch ain't goin down without a fight I see.

click for more info: apple iphone 4

gucci ipad case








I would’ve bet all my marbles and peanuts that any case gucci makes for the ipad would cost more than the actual super device. wrongo dongo. designer italian duds for your ipad will set ya back ballpark $230. not too shabby…

bet you can beat that versace.

bring it! italian fashion house civil waaaaaar! mangia mangia! (sorry my italian is limited. I only know food words…)

click for more info: gucci ipad case