Thursday, April 29, 2010

trader joe's lacey cookies

during my pistachio crisp eating massacre that drunken evening, I was also fed these cookies called lacey’s. holy sh!t was literally I could say with one bite. its like dark chocolate, almond., crispy caramel? I have no idea. but deeee-lish. and brought to you exclusively by trader joe’s.

it was a dang good thing my preggo buddy only had 2 left, because I would’ve seriously ended the whole box o’ cookies. drunk eating, its like stoned eating. you’ll eating anything, you’re never done eating, you’re never full, and you cant stop/wont stop eating until yo drunk/stoned @ss is passed the f*ck out.

speaking of eating, its lunch time. which means, do not disturb me unless there’s a fire in the building or a sighting of oprah outside.

peace and chicken grease people. im out.

ps: no link for laceys on trader hoe’s. just buy them, theyre worth it. and if you don’t like em, tough sh!t. oh, and please send the rest to me.

click for more info: trader joe’s website

true north "preggo" pistachio crisps

special thanks to my preggo friend helen who introduced me to these delightful crisps couple weeks ago. (and who’s about to give birth to a bouncing baby boy next month, and who I will spoil the sh!t outta cause I aint having no kids)

I was actually drunk and sleeping over her place that night, and munching on these before goin to bed. consciously thinking these will help soak up all the alcohol in my stomach = less hangover. genius I am, genius. even when im wrecked, im always thinking of me and my well being. I love myself…

sometimes I think I function better drunk. im always prepared for battle before passing out.

-humongo glass of water
-3 advils
-plastic [puke] bag

it’s the holy trinity of “when im hammered before I go to bed” must do’s.

gosh. this post is becoming sucha lovefest for me ego. me likey, me likey.

ps: during the process of [drunkenly] inhaling these crisps, I actually stopped and decided to judge on the flavor of these life [hangover] saving munchies. gotta say, very very, very, goooood. however my palette was not in the bestest of shapes (had after taste of my many jack and diets on my tongue). but, since then, have had these sober, and still given em my blessed thumbs up.

pps: even more hilarious sight, my 8 month along preggo friend feeding her drunk single and childless/almost 30 [spinster] friend [me] at 3:00am. guess I was helping her prepare for parenthood. if she ends up with a child like me…

ppps: goodness. good luck…

click for more info: true north pistachio crisps

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

land of nod make a "splish" splash bowl

I despise soggy cereal. I gag at the sight of it. the consistency alone reminds me of eggs. (ugh, barf). literally the baked lays sour cream potato chips I just inhaled is halfway back up my esophagus. groddy…

as a result, I do not/will not add milk to my cereal. no milk and cereal, cereal and milk. (love you g. love).

at least I can “fake it” by eating my dry cereal in this artistic crafted bowl made of plastic milk. people would be so mesmerized by the fine craftsmanship, they wont notice my loser-ness habit of eating cereal sans milk.

click for more info: land of nod make a splash bowl

prismacolor premier "fancy" double ended art marker set

this is not your average box o’ crayola markers. this is like the big queso of marker boxes. like primetime, platinum, professional, pretty friggin premier box o’ marker sets. cant even call them markers, that’s sounds soooo amateur. hereby I christen them with a more elite/sophisticated/advanced name: le plume de colour. faaancy faaancy.

so I think I have the level below these le plume de colours set, which ive had for years, and used for the 1st time last week (shocker). theyre like amazeballs. no wonder peeps plunk down a ton of dough for mont blanc pens. its like the most orgasmic penmanship experience of my life. such fluidity when writing.

coloring with these le plume de colours even more orgasmic. 156 elligible colors and you have the choice of a [big] broad or [gentle] fine tip. ooh lala…

by the end of your “colouring” experience, I guarantee you’ll be coloring outside the lines…

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

crate & barrel garlic press and "splurge" slicer

this always happens to me. I finally suck it up and buy something I really need, and the next day (or hour) I find something waaay cooler and better.

so, ive been needing a garlic press (yes. I don’t cook. but I figure you throw some olive oil and garlic into something, it’ll taste ½ way decent). for like 4 years, ive been el cheap-o and refused to splurge on a measly cheap garlic press, let alone plunk a decent amount of dough for a can opener (literally only bought canned food w/easy open lids for years).

enter my former company of employment, crate and barrel. spent 3 glorious apron wearing years at this joint, and learned all you need to know about cooking gadgets, wine glasses and how to stuff a pillow efficiently. all very vital life lessons, btw. so, they make cool kitchen gadgets for the cooking ret@rded [me] that “motivate” me to try “cooking”. yes, my style of “cooking” literally needs quotations, because its far from actual cooking. its call nuke it in a microwave and throw some garlic powder on it. done.

as I enter my 3rd decade of existence, I wanted to try real people cooking and use fresh garlic. many a times, ive almost lopped off a finger chopping garlic with my [hiyah!] wusthof ginsu knife. enter this darling invention, the garlic press and slicer. its like bogo in the world of garlic gadgets. and of course I spot it after I plunked $19.95 on just a garlic press. (wah, wah, waaaaah).

im pretty upset. upset enough, where I don’t even wanna use my press, let alone look at it. someday I’ll get over it. in the meantime, I’ll keep using the powder.

Monday, April 26, 2010

cb2 party "sophisticated" people glass marker

since we’re in the [my favorite] topic of drinking (and as you can tell from the categories, “drunk” seems to be the front runner with 63 posts), I’ll just add another one to the tally with this one.

as we get old-er, apparently we feel the need to throw dinner parties (instead of the less mature, keg parties). hence, instead of drinking that neanderthal beverage called beer, we’ve upgraded with age to the more “sophisticated” wine. so to keep order during our sophisticated dinner parties, they make wine charms so people know which glass is theirs.

ingenious. however, if im getting toasted at a shee shee (sic) dinner party and they run outta booze, im grabbing the closest (and most fullest) glass near me and chuggin that b!tch.

hence why im never invited to dinner parties, only to keg parties.

ps: 1st time ever im using (sic). I figure im writing sucha sophisticated post, I might as well use sophisticated sh!t like that.

pps: these little creature suckers are awesome. think I can take em to my keg party and start sticking them on college boys I deem cute so I wont lose em at the end of the nite. hehe…

click for more info: cb2 party people glass marker

cb2 ceylon "lit" pitcher

website description excerpt: clever removable filter brews a colossally long island ice tea (102 oz. worth) in clear view…

I don’t think theres anything ever clever about inventing something that makes 102 oz. worth of anything called a “long island ice tea.”
unless you want a colossal hangover and/or wanna experience near death (meaning: if you wanna experience the notion of seeing the “light”), then go knock yourself out [literally] and just try chugging 102 oz. worth of a l.i.t.

one thing’s for sure. you will definitely be lit.

click for more info: cb2 ceylon pitcher

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

alice & olivia lexi belted "debutante" dress

another beeeautiful party dress I want, but don’t need. my closet is at 99.8% capacity, most of its contents are party dresses with the tags still attached.

the amount of dresses I own, I swear im some nyc socialite debutante that goes to cocktail parties all weekend. except (reality check) the cocktail parties I usually go to serve piggies in a blanket and boxed wine or that huge @ss carlo rossi sh!t (good sh!t nonetheless).

or since I hate people and tend to “lose” friends, the invites for these “lavish” piggies and a blanket laden parties become more sparse. instead I throw my own cocktail extravaganza partay at my own crib, with guests including me, myself and I. these partays include me playing “dress up” and parading around in my $600 dress, while sipping [good] shiraz wine and chatting with my stuffed animals. I figure its good practice when I actually do do social networking.

ps: the $600 dress, didn’t actually cost $600. I just wanted you to know that. however, in the efforts in improving my life (and decreasing my debt) I got a new life motto goin for me. found it in the form of a chinese fortune cookie: “buy things because you need them, not because they are on sale.”

feel like that motto can be used in my love life too. just gotta figure out how…

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

apple time "broke" capsule 2tb

I have a major dilemma.

do I spend double the amount of loot for this time capsule (retail $499), which:

-backs up my hard drive automatically (at a set time) through my wireless network
-automatically using the time machine app
-looks pretty
-did I mention, wireless?
-and the cool factor is off the bloody charts

literally this sh!t costs twice the lacie starck (retail $249), for the same amount of memory.

its like do the right thing. get the least expensive (butt less cooler) lacie. but that would be going against my life motto...

go big and go broke.

that cant happen. time capsule it is…


click for more info: apple time capsule 2tb

lacie starck 2tb desktop external "midget" hard drive

I ran outta room in my porsche designed lacie external hard drive that I use to backup my computadora (I didn’t know how to say laptop in espanol)…

seems like that’s the story of my life, running outtta room. like I guess if you live in a midget shack like I do (approx 300 sq foot studio apartment), you’re always running outta room. I mean I can solve the problem by not shopping and buying more clothes, but that means sacrificing my happiness.

…not worth it. I’ll just have to live with living in polly pocket-land.

apple "twinkle" aperture 3

w/me picking up my [hobbit] hobby of digital photography, I need some better editing software than that basic juvenile crap iphoto supplies. so I tried to be slick rick and download this off the internet for free instead of paying $200 beans for the legit copy. no avail…

if I would’ve been successful pirating this software, then this post wouldn’t have existed because I wouldn’t still want it. catch my drift [wood]? aperture 3, you should feel so f*ckin special. I currently have $2.41 in my bank account, hence that barely covers the tax for this $200 piece of software.

its like what I tell my lil bro every time he pisses me off (which pretty much is 87% of the time, down from 99% when I lived at home). I say bless (and thank) your lucky f*ckin [twinkle twinkle] stars I was borned a chick, cause if I was birthed a XY chromosome (a boy, for you non scientists), b!tch would not be here. like not be here/exist/gaven birth/living here on planet earth. my parents (guaranteed) would’ve stopped having offspring if I were a boy (great, now that stooped beyonce song is in my head). my genes decided not to cooperate with my parental’s wishes.

which is probably the reason why I never listen. I was a rebel at when sperm hit egg.

click for more info: apple aperture 3

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

incoco dry nail "play stoopid" applique

so for the non ambidextrous who cant seem to paint your right hand nails or for the people without the korean super manicurist gene, incoco has created a “simple” way for you regular folks to do your nails w/o a trip to the nail salon. kinda reminds me of twizzler’s pull and peel, however unfortunately these appliqu├ęs are not recommended for human ingestion. unless you wanna try it, knock yourself out. by all means…

I, however posses ambidexterity excellence as well as the super duper korean manicurist gene, so I do my own nails dang well (muchas grassy @ss). actually as I type now, im admiring at my perfectly [self] manicured nailed (used my newly purch@ssed esse bermuda shorts color, love it).

I mean not to toot my own [blow] horn, of course. I should actually set up my own nail salon, cause im that good.

ps: however, I do not speak korean, so I cant talk sh!t behind your back in another language other than english while I do your nails. so I’ll just talk sh!t about you to your face in english. to decrease the awkwardness of the situation, just play stoopid and pretend not to understand. flashing me a look of bewilderment helps too. it adds to the “playing dumb” effect.

click for more info: incoco dry nail applique

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

kfc double "zen" down sandwich

its for the palette non sophisticate.

wolfgang [puff] puck will go ape sh!t on yo @ss if you even try to serve him this fried piece of americano pig/bird to him. oh the nerve.

but to feed a [cavegirl] savage like me, this sh!t is like heaven x infinity for me. yes, apparently this is what I think heaven looks/will be: two pieces of the colonel’s kentucky fried chicken sandwiched w/two pieces of bacon and pepper jack cheese, slathered w/the colonel’s sauce.

if that’s not heaven, then I dunno what to tell ya folks. ive found my religion, and that’s worshipping food and the grill it cooks on.

its called zen foody-ism. believe it and eat it.

click for more info: kfc double down

Friday, April 2, 2010

kee utility desk "apple-ling" phone dock

on the eve of the day the ipad is set to launch [sniff], ive come to the reality that I am so severely poor [sniff sniff] and am absolutely no way in hell capable in affording this thing at the moment. feel like im giving away my [parental] rights to this wonderful technology being [ipad] on the day of its birth. sorry ipaddy, when mommy gets back on her feet [whenever that is, sniff] she will come for you.

in the meantime, this mother of 8 apple-lings (in birth order: mac powerbook 12”, ipod 3rd gen, ipod nano 1st gen, ipod shuffle, apple tv, macbook pro 15”, iphone 3g, ipod classic) needs to tend to her brood and focus on raising and providing for my existing little dumplings.

the 2nd youngest, iphone 3g has hit the pre-teen stage. feeling constantly unimportant and lost in the shuffle the roster of “children”. shes been complaining how she does extra chores without getting any sorta recognition, such as acting like my house phone. times are tough, and budget is tight, where I cannot afford to get a house phone, and ive been asking her to step up to the plate and do this one extra thing for me.

so to show my appreciation for my little apple-ling’s efforts, im looking to buy her this dope dock so now she’ll have an outfit to make her feel like more of a legitimate house phone.

the things and sacrifices we parents have to do for our kids. now that’s love. [sniff sniff]

ps: special shout out and thanks to T for the referral on this amazeballs piece of tech-no-logy.

click for more info: kee utility desk phone dock