Thursday, December 31, 2009

good riddance 2009. its not you, its me...

       
yes. im posting to you folks on my day off. yes. feel special. feel all warm and fuzzy (unless youve already started drinking at 7 minutes before 11:00am EST, then youre just getting warm and fuzzy for other reasons)...

so as we kick 2009 to the curb like a psycho ex-boyfriend (or girlfriend. pick your poison) we move onto another "hopeful" relationship with 2010. lets see how long this union will last.

happy new year folks. remember to tune in next year, i promise [sworn oath] to help americans to get into even deeper debt by helping them blow their dough on stoopid sh!t.

2010!

ps: dear gosh,

for 2010 i would like the following to happen:

-mets win a world series (for gosh sake, already!)
-syracuse wins a ncaa bball national championship
-i meet oprah [mom]
-slightly bigger boobs
-win the lottery

thanks,
me (your non-church-going idiot)

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

cary koegle the left-hander's "freedom!" 2010 calendar

                 


there is alot and all sorts of discrimination in this country going on today. i think the left-handers are one of the most neglected populations in this gosh forsaken country. as someone who tries to practice left-hand-ism at times (yes, i get bored easily doing things righty) ive discovered the hardships these people go through on a daily basis living in a world built for righties.

so sad.

i mean youre forced to use the weaker side for daily (and very important) daily tasks. ie: opening cans, cutting paper w/"righty" scissors, writing on notebooks and leaving a trail of smudge...ok i'll stop there. i dont want lefties to re-live these  injustices they go through daily.

sooo, eureka. i discover this website that makes things for lefties. freedom! (sorry, i couldnt think of any other "revolutionary" chant.)

so this lefty planner for 2010 takes care of the smudge factor when entering appointments, your menstrual cycle, dates you boned people, etc...

unless you dont remember the dude/dudette you boned the previous night due to some sorta substance/alcohol abuse, then it maybe better for that person's name to be convieniently "smudged"....

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

canon powershot 12.1mp "mini" digital camera

           



picture and imagine the size of a standard post it.

are you picturing it...?

small huh?

well this camera is smaller. its 2.1" x 3.4" and it weighs 4.1 oz. mini! thats insane.

so this being that mini and insanely cool, that only means one thing. i want it. yes. i want. just bought myself a big momma digital slr (nikon d300. yea. thats right. im waaay cool.) but thats just not good enough. i need my camera "on the go."

enter lil canon (pictured above).

i betcha i can fit this baby in my wallet cause its sooo friggin tiny. its like the thumbelina of digital cameras.

ps: i think that you see on the screen is the actuall size. woooow-zah!

Monday, December 21, 2009

shirt city marilize legajuana "obese" t-shirt

                 


gosh dang. i got afroman's "because i got high" song in my head. no way in hell tho does that tempt me to smoke anymore. those days are over. also, besides the fact that i'll gain about a gazillion pounds due to a certain side effect to smoking. munchies. boo.

however, i think people should have the right to smoke pot openly and legally within the united states. because, i said so. plus if im allowed to legally get wasted and once in a while disturb the peace, i think a little pot smokey smokey wont hurt the nation.maybe we'll mellow out, instead of being work obsessed, tight @ss, stressed americans.

oh wait, maybe i was talking about new yorkers...

anywho. marilize legajuana!

ps: however, legalizing marijuana probably wont help with our retardedly huge obesity epidemic. oh well. cant have everything.

r. prince "really" how to roll a blunt for dummies!

                  


literally ran into this dude selling his book on the street huffing my way to the subway. he setup shop right in front of my office building, probably not a good idea if human resources catches me conversing/buying the book from this dude.

which i did. and i bought the book. for reals, this guy is hysterical. as he signed my [treasured] copy, he said, keep smoking the weed. i put my hand up (a la "power to the people") and happily walk away .

btw. havent smoked weed in like 3 years. for reals. however, i was a champion blunt roller back in my heydays in college. i was the art student of the stoner group i chilled with, so by default i had the best "sculpting" skillz to put together a masterpiece of a blunt.

so i can still to this day appreciate a good roll. even more appreciative on the back cover of this book, there is a "designated" area to break down your weed and roll your blunt. ingenious! no more gross coffee table tops, tops of flimsy papers. tops of bibles. your very own surface to roll a blunt.

i planned on giving this treasured copy to a stoner friend for christmas, however i may indian give and keep it. even tho i may not smoke anymore (for serious, can you imagine my crazy @ss stoned?) i have rolled a blunt or two at some get togethers recently, and gotta say, i still have it.

so i may keep this book, so for when i make my "one night only: im rolling blunt" appearance at parties, i will be well practiced. dude, its a cool party trick, waay cooler than pulling quarters outta people's ear-holes. lame...

ps: marlize legajuana!
(only you hardcore pot smokers know that)

wink. wink.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

alice & olivia sequin strapless dress

                     




dude. i got the new miley cyrus song in my head "party in the u.s.a." for the past 3 weeks. guess partially my fault for putting it in the shuffle of my gym music. cant blame me, the dang jingle is so dang catchy. barf...

anywho, speakin of partying, what are people's new years plans? thats seriously a question i get asked every single day ever since turkey durkey day. i'll prob get asked that question even after new years, just because, because...

anywho, anywho. as usual, peeps have absolutely no clue what the f*ck theyre doing (including me). however i feel like this year, its even worse. like really no one, no one has a f*cking clue. story of my life...

anywho, anywho, anywho. ive pre-selected this dress as my outfit of desire for new years eve 2010. of course this desire happens to cost $594. which in my sick twisted mind, is still less than my monthly rent. so that makes it ok to purchase. heehee.

so if i end up not doin anything for nye (which is a pretty high probability), i'll be sitin pretty on my couch with this dress on taking swigs of an extra large champagne bottle all by myself...[queue: celine dion song, "all by myself" coupled with celine's signature fist to chest pump]

or if i end up bankrupt and homeless, i can use the dress as a tent and set up house underneath that.

adina reyter for love "my charge card" earth butterfly ring

                        


i love when "higher end" designers decide to release more affordable lines via walmart or my all time favorite target. ever pleasantly surprised, my gurl adina reyter's new line "love, earth" is now appearing at a walmart near you. ironically, rocking a ring and necklace from her "higher" end today, which i love, loove, loooove.

"love, earth" is not only economical, but made from sources committed to protecting the environment (i plagarized that line from walmart.com).

since i myself am trying to be more economical these days, ive stopped my $500 shopping binges at places like bloomingdales [love you] and am trying my darnest not to live like im some hollywood celebutante and blow $ that i think i have, but i do not have. thank you credit...

however, as a consequence of my attempt to budget, which has led to my "curba-ture" of spending at bloomingdales (aka, the happiest place on earth), i have been given an ultimatium. in order for me to hold on [for dear life] my black bloomies charge card (the ones they issue to big spending ballerz like me), i need to spend $898.10 by mid january.

dude. thats like threatening me with my life. not cool. i must oblige.

lets so shopping. weee!

click for more info: adina reyter for love earth butterfly ring

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

james burgess i am not a "f*cking" paper cup

                                 


i am not a paper cup!!

sorry just felt like screaming. its 5:08pm, and i want to just blow this lemonade stand!!

apparently these "i am not a paper cup" guys are fighting for a greener world. that or theyre just sick and tired of being mistaken for paper cups and peeps just keep throwing them out.

its ok little "i am not a paper cup" - i feel your pain. i understand the frustration of being ignored. i am a middle child. as ive probably stated over and over and over and over again in this blog.

i will not be ignored!!

almost naked animals yeti "mashed" infant creeper

                           



youve seen those photo booths in the mall where you take a pic of yourself and your stoopid boyfriend and they mash it up and spit out a pic of what your oogly baby will look like? right. i said oogly and baby in the same sentence. going to hell. i know that already. thats not breaking news for goodness sake. duh.

but for serious. those mashed [potato] pics always produce oogly looking babies. oogly, just like the almost naked animal yeti character pictured above, or if possible even ooglier depending on how shideous your significant other is (or you are)...

so when you and your stoopid boyfriend stoopidly decide to get married, consummate the marriage [sex] and have kids (not necessarily in that order), this romper could be a reminder of that lovely day in the mall where you two "gorgeous" people decided to take that mashed up "how will our baby look?" pic.

i wouldve hope you had pre-marital sex (that produced your little bundle of yeti) before this "photo session" cause if you decided to have offspring after seeing the mashed up pic, i swear you should be castrated. unless you wanted yo baby to look like a yeti, then go knock your self (and boots) off...

ps: you have to check out this site. im crying dying laughing at the cast of almost naked animals. i love crazy weirdo sh!t like this. i mean c'mon, it explains a lot (about me).

almost naked animals

Friday, December 11, 2009

tibor kalman "gray" sky umbrella

              


if you live in a city like london or syracuse where it rains 360 outta 365 days of the year i would recommend this buy. because when you're outside in the miserable wet mess with this handy umbrella, whenever you look up, instead of getting golf ball sized raindrops splashing in your eyeball, you see a reminder of how the sky looks like when its not raining.

just in case you forgot how blue skies looked like. or if you wanna re-live the experience of "seeing" happy things while tripping one's balls off...

click for more info: tibor kalman sky umbrella

graham hill new york "cawfee" coffee cup

                         


ive been coffee free for months now. and amazingly i still manage to be a fucntionable and relatively funny human being (excluding today).

even tho ive been outta the coffee game for this long, i dont recall those roach coaches on the streets of manhattan selling coffee in these cups anymore. then again i havent bought cawfee from a roach coach, well cause need i say anymore?

then again dunkin donuts prolly arent any cleaner. but i go by the motto...

what you cant [and dont] see [or taste] wont hurt, i guess?
which is why i drink so much. alcohol is supposed to be a "cleaner"...no?

note: i started writing this post yesterday. apparently i was still too drunk to realize i didnt his "pusblish post" before i flew outta here last night. hence why the time stamp is today. and yes im feeling better and making more sense today, thank you much for asking.

click for more info: graham hill new york coffee cup

Thursday, December 10, 2009

masami takahashi ramen spoon/fork "spock" set

                       


a very glamourized (and expensive) spork.

im still tryin to figure out how i would use it. im afraid i might stab my tonsil (or whatever that dinga-ling is called in the back of your throat) when in tryin to slurp my soup off the spoon part of the fancy schmancy spork.

replace "r" with "c" and you got spock. ha. i dunno why i find that any remotely interesting, let alone funny...

marc jacobs miss "my" marc jacobs stockings

                                                      



luck of my irish i got off jury duty unscathed. well actually not really. when you have me serve jury dooty across the street from my most favorite bar in the universe, im obviously not coming out of it sober.

hence the most absolute horrific hangover.

it started with the 4 beers i slammed during my "lunch break" followed by coming back (c'mon, i had to) after completing my american civil dooty and continuing with the drunken disaster.

so in between all this alcoholism, i had time to wander into bloomingdales and discover these ridiculously awesome holiday stockings courtesy of my boy, marc jacobs. as i toggled around the store for about an hour carrying the miss marc stocking, i pondered, should i blow $48 on this thing?

i did the right thing and put the stocking down and took these lovely pics and walked away.

well walked away and right back into the f*cking bar where i proceeded to blow $79 on my bar tab.

smart.

ps: i cant find these stockings anywhere on the internet. which actually now makes me want them more because they seem real "exclusive". i need therapy...

pps: i think an elf just golfed my brain with a baseball bat, either that or the elf version of mike tyson is using my brain as a punching bag.

today is gonna be fun...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

...jury's out

                          
this'll be my last post, until god knows what since i'll be on jury duty as of tomorrow.

so, i tried to bang out as many posts as i can before i go fulfill my american citizen civil duty and do this jury thing.

my luck i get put on a federal murder trial a la oj simpson and get stuck jury-ing for like 8 months. even more my luck i'll be the alternate juror, which means i get no say in sending the bastard to prison. instead, i'll be twittle my thumbs doing absolutely nothing, unless a fellow juror falls ill or drops dead. then i'll be called to pinch hit for the poor bastard.

ok. im out to open bar holiday party. not a good idea showing up to jury duty hungover on your 1st day. well maybe they'll oust me after day #1 cause i'll be way too incoherent and reeking of alcohol.

pray for me.

hello kitty sewing "cute-ness" machine

                     

its like cute-ness threw up all over my bloggy blog today...

can you tell ive been shopping for hello kitty crap all day today? doesnt take an insanely smart genious to figure that out. i mean c'mon im asian. im supposed to like cutesy fartsy stuff like this while waving peace signs with my hands when taking a picture.

maybe if i get this machine of cute-ness i can sew together a kimono for next halloween's costume as a sushi chef. say that 10 times in a row...

sushi chef, sushi shef, chushi chef, suchi chef, chuchi chef, suchi shef, scushi chef, sushi schef, chushi shef, schushi schef.

click for more info: hello kitty sewing machine

hello kitty crystal "imaginary" iphone case

                


ok. i just got this el cheap-o plastic iphone case i bought for $9.99. this bedazzled shiny thang above fo sho' puts it to gosh dang-it shame.

actually come to think of it, i dont even like my new case anymore (hope he didnt hear that, even tho he's sitting right next to me). *wink wink*

yes. i just referred my new iphone case as a 3rd person. he's now currently is shooting me the i hate you "evil" stank eye and telepathically whispering angry and obscene sweet nothings to my ear...

at least i can take him to my daily anger management classes. he can sit in my sessions and get therapized with me. yay! a new therapy buddy.

note: i am a middle child. remember that. i had many "imaginary" friends as a kid. now as an "adult" i now just house my "imaginary" friends in objects (ie: teddy bears, bar of soap, iphone cases).

click for more info: hello kitty crystal iphone case

hello kitty "holy" toaster

                  


like really? a new level of friggin cuteness.

ive heard of images of jesus appearing on people's toasts, but hello kitty? guess for those people who obsess/worship hello kitty, this would be a similiar "divine" holy happening.

butter my kitty. hee hee...

click for more info: hello kitty toaster

Monday, December 7, 2009

crate & barrel pickle "back" ornament

                                             


no im not preggo.

however i am craving one of those picklebacks from the whiskey tavern right now (shot of jameson, chased w/shot of pickle juice). yumm. for those of you who just went "eww" or just made a weird squirmy jacked up face, dont judge. its ridiculous delicious. you dont judge someone[thing] unless you get to know them. including pickleback. he has feelings too.

so youre wondering why the f*ck would i hang pickles from my tree? well, before i f*ck up in trying to explain this age old german tradition (which im sure i'll squeeze in a profanity or two), here's the link explaining: german christmas pickle

gotta love those salty green lil gherkins. so cute.

click for more info: crate & barrel pickle ornament

dancing deer baking co peanut butter " oregano" brownies

                                      


are you even allowed to have peanut butter and brownie together in the same sentence, let alone as ingredients to a piece of bakery food? i almost died [like died] seeing this picture. i mean semi-lethal, cause of all the built up anxiety i am feeling at the current moment just dreaming of one of these bricks of delicious-ness heaven.

only thing that may tip this (and me) over the edge wouldve been a sprinkle of some green stuff into the batter pre-baking...

for those who are thinking..."what, oregano?" please unsubscribe to this blog. like now.

i suck...

          
yes. i suck. 9 posts in the month of november.

i was too busy stuffing my face with bird and stuffing and literally have been in a food coma for weeks. think the over-eating may have caused slight brain damage (how? i have no scientific idea. but im sure its friggin possible).

well so december im sure wont be any better, because im already too busy stuffing myself with anything colored red and green or resembling fruit cake. which in pre-conclusion may lead to my death or just an indefinite coma.

which for the people who really hate me, happy early christmas present to you f*ckers.

guess thats one way to get me to shut up...