Wednesday, October 28, 2009

nissan 2009 "mushmallow" cube


this car has made it into this blog, purely for its design asthetics. kinda reminds me of a marshmallow.

f*ck just got a craving for smores. think for lunch im gonna set a bonfire in one of these conference rooms roast a couple smores myself. got some wood #2 pencils to use as smores stix that'll do the trick. a lil injestion of burning lead wont hurt?...

see, thats what you call quick thinking under "fire". someone needs to get me a raise.

queue entrance: stay puft marshmallow man.

what? you think my lazy @ss is trooping down to the supermarket to get marshamallows? figure i'd imagine real hard the puffy [obese] white guy and he'd appear magically outside my office window. then, i'd dangle out of my window and hack of a piece of him [with my mail opener] while on his way to destroying anything in sight down broadway.

sorry i just sniffed a sh!t ton of rubbing alcohol while de-bacteria-ing my petri-dish of a desk. im a bit more loonier than usual...

click for more info: nissan 2009 cube

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

big top "o.d.'ed" giant sized cupcake maker


this thing is ridiculous. makes a cupcake 25 times the size of a normal [wimpy] cupcake.

i wonder if its possible to die from a cupcake eating overdose?

i'd probably drop dead (before even takin a chomp) just on the ridculously sheer joy of just seeing one of these in front of me awaiting to be devoured. my wee lil heart probably wont be able to take all the hoop-la.

talk about tragedy...

crate & barrel "missing" flatware stockings


i know. its only october. its not even halloweenie yet. but i cant help it. im on the mailing list for every gosh dang catalog in this universe. like for serious. and i get a catalog for every season, the worse being christmas cause them b!tches can come as large as a freakin atlas. like my poor mailbox is busting at the seams (squished amongst my mountain-ous bills and the occasional chinese food menu). im sure its not by accident these catalog people have my address. just shows the severity of my shopping problem. (severe).

so tis the season now for christmas catalogs. thumbing through the crate's holiday edition, its like 20lbs of glitter and an obese elf and blew up on it. all sorta green/red stuff and ornaments drip amongst the catalog pages. so of course the most kitchy-est of things catches my attention. these little santa booties for your flatware. how f*cking cute!? yes. im a f*cking cornball. sue me.

at least when i set myself my own table before my three square meals daily [chinese food, chinese food, chinese food] my plastic utensils will get a classier look/touch with these flatware booties. dude. i dont do dishes. plus i have like 1 fork left, since either a gnome breaks into my apartment in the middle of the night and steals them one by one, or they just feel like disappearing. its like the myserious case of missing socks during laundry. like where do they all go?

apparently some sorta f*cking twilight zone i havent been to. well, yet.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

flavia home "the john" fusion


we got one of these b!tches in our lil pantry at work. its got more buttons and whistles than this guy above but it still acheives one goal, its queefs me out my daily caffeine crave. or more that that putt putt putt pow sound it makes as it churns out my beverage.

however in recent developments: ive quit coffee.

dont ask who, what, when, where or why. i just did for some unexplainable reason. well maybe cause when i looked in the mirrior my pores where just screaming for some moisture, since my daily alcoholic drinking binges sap the living water and life outta my bod. so on top of that, coffee doesnt help. and on top of that the only h2o i drink besides my own spit is at the water cooler in the gym. talk about dehydration. oh and i forgot to mention my 6 pack of diet coke habit a day.

so today im a reformed person. ive cut the java, cut the soda (well only drink it in my jack & diet. theres no avoiding that) and starting chugging water like a dang camel daily.

the only downside to my new "health" kick is me pee-ing every 10 minutes. ive literally worn a path from my desk to the ladies john at my office. like i just did now for the 50th time. might as well set up my desk in the handicap bathroom since i do more business in there than at my desk.

ahh the sweet sounds of flush-ing.

click for more info: flavia home fusion

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

jacquie aiche "meteor" geode ring


talk about wearing a "rock" on your finger. here is a ring, in the most literal sense.

i seriously havent heard that word "geode" since 8th grade earth science or since my last trip to howe caverns. and i seriously dont know why i decided to share that with you. guess im just trying to fill space cause i cant think of anything else to write.

guess thats mission accomplished...

click for more info: jacquie aiche geode ring

Monday, October 19, 2009

powermat wireless "sh!t cool" charger mat


ok. apparently this just was released. ive never heard or used it before. but sh!t its f*cking cool and sh!t.

the concept of charging yo sh!t with no trippy dippy wires to worry about is the sh!t. you just slap on a "receiver" to the back of your iphone, crackberry or that portable playstation game thingie (kinda like sony's gameboy. im not tech savy with video games as you can see), and lay your sh!t on top of this mat and voila! its charging. cool eh?

actually think you can also hook up other stuff to this thing, but i got all a.d.d. and stopped reading the specs on this thang halfway through. im also poor as sh!t so wont be able to be the guinea pig [oink] and test this biotch out. so if anyone is loaded enough to buy this for sh!ts and giggles and tell me how it is, please leave me a comment below. much appreciated.

ps: one good thing came outta waiting on line for security at la guardia "sh!ithole" airport. i noticed the ad for this after standing in front of it for 20 minutes. well actually it took me another 15 minutes to process what the f*ck this thing was.

click for more info: powermat wireless charger

ellsworth wisconsin "squeaky" cheese curds


ive just came back from wisconsin, aka cheese country. and yes. i ate a sh!t ton of cheese and also came back about 55 lbs heavier and 80% artery blockage. and yes. i loved every single glutinous minute of it.

these people of wisconsin, boy are they proud of their cheese or what. i mustve stuck out like a sore thumb since everyone kept saying, you dont look from around here, then went on a wikipedia-esque explanation of the queso culture of wisconsin. pertty interesting.

even more interesting (and f*cking exciting) part of it was to actually eat these pasteurized pieces of wonder. especially cheese curds. i mean when you think of curd, curdling, you kinda vision 30 day old milk that has formed into a mold of tofu. yum.

but cheese curds, i have no clue how or why they make em (kinda like spam. what you dont know wont hurt you, but maybe your arteries). when you take a bite, the squeak like a pig. like hysterical. its sounds like you're eating really stale popcorn, but waay better tasting.

ok well thats my story on cheese curds. im done talking about them because (a) i want one now, but forgot to buy some "to go" (b) im on a water only diet for 7 days as i ate about collectively 900,000 calories this weekend (c) im f*cking starving now, and its not lunch time yet (d) oh wait, im only supposed to "eat" water. f*ck me and my life...

ps: i have no idea why i added a travel category. the fact that i have never left the north american continent and my idea of travel far is flying to california is pretty pitiful.

Friday, October 9, 2009

christian dior babe "transformer" metallic clutch

its like the attack of the transformer chrissy dior clutch! this sh!ts no joke. this puts the real life transformers to shame. pretty dang efficient for the proto-typical woman's needs when attending any sorta black tie party.

mirror: check
inside zipper pocket for life's private [tampon?] sh!t: check
flashy bracelet ring (in case you forgot to accesorize before leaving your beachside condo): check
compartment to fit tea cup chihuahua: check

only thing missing is a pocket for your 20 tubes of lip gloss (one in every shade of pink, of course) and medicine cabinet for your birth control, diet, vitamin and midol pills.

dang. suck be a lady...

converse chuck taylor all-star specialty "hippy" hi


i think a hipster just died and went to hippy heaven. plaid flannel chuck taylors? thats like asking vampires to bob for apples in barrel of blood during a halloween party at  batman's cave.

very win win-esque situation.

ps: not labeling this gym/sports. just about the only sport hipsters probably are hacky sack or who can toss their fedora the farthest (a la frisbee). yay brooklyn hippy-sters!

abercrombie & fitch orebed "f*ck everyone" brook tee


i should wear this tee everytime i go to the bar, especially today. probably not a good idea, but ive had a sucky start to my day and now am stuck at work with sucky stoopid annoying people. so i think im enititled to whatever i want today. and this because i said so.

but since when has anything ive done been a good idea? id say about .03% of the time (which i assume according to human-kind is a pretty terrible ratio). i mean the only thing can i think of that i actually didnt f*ck up on was....

(im literally sitting here in front of the keyboard twittling my thumbs and still pondering.)

please hold...

just sneezed...

just picked my nose...

getting up to pee. brb...
(no i didnt drop a deuce. stoopids...)

i give up. maybe i'll think of something by the time of my next post.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

judith leiber scarlet parrot "im a lawyer!" minaudier


dude i dare any hollywood starlet to wear this parrot clutch down a red carpet event strapped onto her shoulder. ok, i'll even open up this dare to male hollywood starletos too.   i dont discrimminate. this is an equal opportunity blog.

and double dare you to answer all media/paparazzi questions with "polly wants a cracker".

pleease pleease someone take me up on this dare. i swear it'll get you some publicity. i mean a guarantee entry on yay harvey levin.

im a lawyer!

dc shoes mens "offspring" redwood sn


this just became a new member to my shoe [cult] clan. my sneaker obsession is like that tv show 19 (or 18) kids and counting. its about that duggar family that pops out offspring like ever other month. no joke. think they have 18 kids, with #19 on the way. like she bangs out kids one after the other. well i just buy shoes one after the other.

the "im justifying my shopping" excuse of the day: these are my 1st skating shoes. not that i am picking up the skateboarding anytime soon. but if ever i did, im fully prepared with the appropriate footwear to take on the sport. hence, this purchase is deemed functional and not fashionable.

which obviously and by default makes it ok.

click for more info: dc shoes mens redwood sn shoes

dc shoes beefy & meaty "yahoo" boxing fantasy factory tees


these are the afore-mentioned pooches that i would scoop poop for in order to get employed at rob dyrdek's fantasy factory. beefy and meaty. two of the most adorabe english bulldogs. swear to goodness, bulldogs hands down my favorite pooch. french ones, to be specific.

everytime i walk down the street or take a stroll in central park and encounter a most lovable french bulldog, i get the urge to just doggy-nap one. like straight up grand doggy theft. i just get beside myself, the cuteness of the pooch just consumes me.

i guess thats why they allow yahoos to plead temporary insanity when they "accidently" commit a crime due to a brief spike in their emotions.

thank god. cause ima gonna need to take up that plea one day. because there aint no good enough "oj simpson-esque" defense lawyer dream team out there that'll be able to defend my [usual] luda-ridiculous actions.

click for more info: dc shoes beefy boxing tee

click for more info: dc shoes meaty boxing tee

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

dc shoes bobby light fantasy factory "hire me" tee


rob dyrdek's fantasy factory. that is the place where i need to be working. dude, id scrub their toilets and/or scoop [and/or eat] the poop of meaty and beefy just to work there. plus the nice location change of los angeles wouldnt be too shabby.

hello. angela. los angeles. city of angels.
it was meant to be.

O:) <---- angel.

gotta love emoticons

so please please preease. someone get me an application. i'll even give up writing this dang blog if thats what i takes to get a job at the fantasy factory. yes blog. i just threw you under the school cheese bus. im an a-hole. but im also pms-ing. cut me a little itty bitty slack...

mitchell & ness giants "hit me" sideline track jacket


are you ready for some gosh dang football??

dude i certainly am. my los gigantes (giants for you non-bilingual folk) are 4-0 and in 1st place in the nfc east. wahooo! go big bluuuuuuuue!

so i find this old skool track jacket and its reminiscent of those old letterman football jackets in high school. well, this one (me) never had the opportunity to own one since i apparently am missing some body parts that qualify me to be labeled a male and to play footbal. ie: body parts that resemble pinocchio's nose (when he's been fibbing)....

i guess i couldve tried to walk onto the team as a kicker, since that seems to be the only position girls seem to be able [let] to play. ok, no offense to the chicks in the past who've managed to do this, but for serious? if ima gonna play football, im gonna be the f*cking quarterback. for real son. im open to getting mauled by 300lbs linebackers (especially if theyre hot).

honestly though, not a bad way to meet men. i mean the ratio of clams [females] to sausages [self explanatory] is pretty much favors the clammies. it'd be a match in football heaven.

touch. down.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

nintendo mario "pluck u" kart gs


dude. anybody who attempts to challenge me in this game will get the yoshi asam chop and their @sses handed to them. i f*cking rule at this game especially when i play as yoshi.

footnote: im a dinosaur (no pun intended yoshi) when it comes to video games. the last video game console i owned was a super [duper] nintendo back in 1992 (or something life that. definitely at the time when puberty just hit...)

 but who cares. im dang awesome at this game. especially at the ghost valley and rainbow road tracks. i'll almost say im better at this than beer pong [*gasp*]

yes i said it. the challenge forum is open. care to enter it?
chicken sh!t...

bok! bok! bok!

pluck you...

click for more info: nintendo mario kart gs


ive managed to scrape up enough original [and pretty dang funny i must say] material out of  my puny head and reach 200 posts! congratulations to me, congratulations to me!

actually in hindsight, i think i could be even more hilarious. i know usually im f*cking hysterical and quick witted. but just imagine me w/o the [past] drug use and current [and past] obscene alcohol consumption frying my membrane. id be like eddie murphy f*cking funny.

seriously, "drunk" is tied with "gadgets/gizmos" for 1st place in label tags with 40. apparently this means i drink waaay to much alcohol or i just think of getting drunk waaay too much on a daily [hourly] basis.

so this i pledge to my loyal readers. i will try to abstain from drinking (ok maybe for a week, as a science experiment) and see if the funny factor in my blog increases with sobriety or just fails.

ps: this will be starting manana. i have a date with the tavern tonight. not possible i leave there unscathed. like really. impossible.

axion 9" portable "praise" digital lcd tv


start of football season. portable tvs on the "top picks" list at target. coinkidink? i think not...

doesnt take a [pocket] rocket scientist to figure out the two go hand in hand. church, weddings, baptisms on sundays = no football. sucha tragedy.

this sinner however, hasnt stepped foot in a church in like 13 years. however for those do-gooder football fans who actually go, much props to you man. in addition to your guaranteed [one way] ticket to heaven, you should also get one of these portable tvs as a gift. so while you are busy praisin' the big guy upstairs at church, you can also praise the game of pigskin at the same time.

throw that hail mary!
(see football can be religious...)