Wednesday, September 30, 2009

pottery barn glass "binge" drink dispenser


binge drinker, binge blogger.

that seems to be the pattern this month, i bang out four posts in one day, then i disappear into a black [k] hole for a week, come back and do it all over again. except in my alcoholica life, the pattern occurs every other day.

hey look! its a keg but for hard alcoholic drinky poos.

a new "look", well sorta...

to make my blog look more dramatical, ive started to increase the size of the product photos.

then my o.c.d. anal @ss (isnt anal and @ss the same sh!t?) wanted to edit each and every of my 196 blog entries and enlarge all the photos. um yea, after editing about 6 of em, i said f*ck this sh!t. im too god dang lazy.

maybe another day when im absolutely bored at work, i'll do it. which probably means, tomorrow i'll be anal-ly enlarging each and every blog entry's picture.

ps: re-reading this entry, couldnt help but notice the sexual "over"tones. i swear, i didnt mean it.

pottery barn skull "poison" cocktail collection


speaking of evil holidays. these look pretty wicked (no. im not talking like im from baaas-ton).

such festive barware for the halloween holiday. however, if i were handed a cocktail in one of these guys at a party, i would sorta feel like im being handed something poisonous. the skulls kinda give the drink its "dooming" look.

i guess though, if you want to be a whiskey snot, jack daniels (my drink of choice) to most advanced connoisseurs (took me forever to spell that) is/tastes like f*cking poison.

in college i used to say alcohol is alcohol. as long as the sh!t gets you drunk, who gives a flying f*ck how it tastes. however, the older you get,  the sh!ttier/longer the hangover. the sh!ttier the alcohol, the sh!ttier and longer the hangover.

fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice shame on me.

ive been fooled [waaay] more than twice. so obviously the shame is on me. guess that means i should upgrade to "classier" whiskey?


jack and i are married for life.
to have and to hold. for richer and for poorer. in hangover and health. til death do us part.

...i do

ps: not sure if i used that "fool me once" quote correctly. if i didnt. who gives a sh!t. it sounded cool.

crate & barrel halloween "surprise" hot cocoa


um since my nose feels like its gonna fall off, thats apparently the sign [freezing] fall is here and [brr-freezing] winter is around the bloody corner. woopty-doo-da.

even better, the holiday i least like is coming up, halloween. like fine, people want to celebrate the holiday that worships the devil. i dont give a sh!t. but people over the age of 12 dressing up like retards and parading the streets/bars is just f*cking stoopid, if you ask this holiday kill joy.

last time i dressed up for halloween, i was a yankee fan. get it? im a mets fan. creative huh? *crickets. crickets*

(as my [loyal subjects] readers scratch their heads)

it obviously wasnt a successful costume as everyone at the bar gave me the WTF? look as i described my guise. i suck at halloween. hence the hate...

halloween has one benefit. candy. bestest excuse to consume sh!t sugar junk food. enter: halloween hot cocoa. it even turns orange when you add water (sorry for those who i spoiled this surprise for). i mean anything form of consumable food that changes color, must not be that good for you (or make you sterile). but hey, pretty dang fun to eat/drink!

ps: this sh!ts kosher. dude. i always look out for the jews...
shana tova!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

paul smith mini in the woods "car in my" billfold


i swear the way things are going with technology, in the next 14 years some wizard will engineer a car that is small enough to fold up and put in your wallet amongst your gazillion credit cards. i mean they make foldable beach chairs and bikes, why not cars?

that should make parking tickets, searching of parking spots and parking lots extinct. yay! i think that would make the world a hip happenin happier place. not quite world peace-esque happy, but close enough.

click for more info: paul smith mini in the woods billfold

paul smith hangman "childhood" cufflinks


heehee. reminds me back in the day when i was a wee lad and played stoopid games like hangman, m.a.s.h., and mad-libs to pass the time away. see, when this old maid was growing up, there was no such thing as the internet. as entertainment we actually went outside and played with things called cards, jump ropes and jacks. like i used to love 52 card pick up. actually i still enjoy a game here and there. the drunker the better (just had to add a little twist to that childhood game)...

these days you ask a kid to play tic tac toe, they'll whip out their iphone and they'll have an app for that.

ps: to elaborate playing drunk 52 card pickup. now that i think of it, any childhood game/activity played drunk is waaay better. drunk candyland, drunk hopscotch (haha. scotch), drunk hide-and-go-seek. talk about trying to stay young at heart...

click for more info: paul smith hangman cufflinks

marc by marc jacobs flights of fancy "goodie" shopper


this bag kinda looks like a surreal dream. its like i fell asleep and woke up in alice in wonderland (but in the salvatore dali remix edition). what a trip. or maybe this is how cloud 9 looks like (as wonderfully leatherly illustrated above). not bad. not exactly what i envisioned ultimate bliss to look like. but hey, if they give out free goody bags (filled with marc jacobs goodies of course) just for visiting this cloud 9, i'll take it...

gimme my goodie bag!

Friday, September 18, 2009

nixon the debutant "not made in china" watch


ok. im eeking one more post out. i have 8 minutes to kill.

ok. this watch costs a grand. made of ceramic and probably not made in china. because that would suck if im spending a 1k on a watch. no offense to china. but im usually seeing "made in china" on stuff thats sold in 99 cent stores. ya feel me?

ok my 8 minutes are up. peace out suckas.

ok. no im not running to happy hour. i think im still drunk from last night, so its been happy hour all day for me.

click for more info: nixon the debutant watch

nixon the alice "whip" watch


nixon watches are just dope. my old-er sister put me on to them. not that i own any tho because i have this disease called wristo-clausto-phobia. in plain english, i dont like things on my wrist. it feels very suffocated when anything is on it. yes. my wrist apparently has a mind of its own.

so i live vicariously through people who have the abilitiy to wear watches. unlike chumps like me. anywho, speaking of suffocation. this watch kinda reminds me of some weird dominatrix-ish theme. very tie me up/whips and chains vibe.

dont ask. its closing in on 5:00pm eastern. im ready to blow this popsicle stand and do bad things. all that is swirling in my head are bad bad thoughts.

naughty naughy.
(very effective if said in a british accent with a snappy finger wag)

click for more info: nixon the alice watch

Thursday, September 17, 2009

m&m my "mugshot" m&ms


this is nuts. i thought the idea of customizing your credit card with your oogly picture was a bit weird. now the brilliant heads at m&m are offering the option of putting images on m&ms. cool, i think?

so these days, instead of making voodoo dolls (and stabbing it with a sharp blunt object) of the people you hate, you can now bite and injest them. hey, my philosophy in life: do what makes you happy.

if putting your [cheating] ex-boyfriend's oogly noggin on 1000 baby blue m&ms and [aggresively] chomping on them one by one is gonna make you feel better, i say do it. not only are you taking out physical aggression, you're satisfying the appetite of depression. screw the bon bons.

ps: a perfect present for your friend who's just getting released from prison after serving 11 days for misdameanor [drunken] peeing on the walls of police precincts would be his mugshot on these candies. that would be pretty f*cking sweet of you.

click for more info: m&m my m&ms

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

brian atwood over the knee "stilt" boots


yo. would suck to be short if you want to pump the latest trend in fashion. over the knee boots. dude, if you're like 5'2" this sh!t would be like over the pelvis boots. shorty, you'll need stilts if youre gonna wanna wear these tall {drink o' water) boots. sorry lil lady...

click for more info: brian atwood over the knee boots

alexander mcqueen skull knuckle "sandwich" duster whipsnake clutch


and they say diamonds are a girl's best friend. this clutch is like b.f.f. to the fullest. its just is sick. not only will you look "rocker chick" fierce when toting it around town, it doubles as a "hidden" weapon in the event you decide and/or "accidently" end up in a bar brawl.

dude. at least you'll look chic whilst giving some b!tch a enormous beat-down with your multi-purpose [talented] clutch.

yes. i used the word "whilst". ive spent all day dealing with brits that have invaded my office. and unfortunately im starting to sound like these people, using idioms such as cheerio, kind regards, and my favorite: you bloody wanker. hey. at least im branching out and learning a new language.

arse over tit!
(i'll give you guys the pleasure of google-ing the meaning of that...)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

marc by marc jacobs faux fancy mouse "eek!" ring


i love mice. actually im just a rodent lover. gerbils, hamsters, guinea pigs, or rats = soo cute. i even have a soft spot in my [ice cold] heart for nyc subway/sewer rats. i mean theyre kinda cuute, especially the big fat ones with their whiskers. so cute and cuddly...

im sure whomever is reading this, thinks im some sick wacko. dude i dont give a f*ck. id take a squeaker anyday over those nasty evil cockaroaches. i hate them more than i hate being sober. i murdered three roaches in my apartment last month. not only did i end their life, i made sure their compadres knew what fate will become of them if anyone else dared to invade my casa. so i left out their dead carcasses for all of them to see for a couple days.


three blind roaches, three blind roaches...

...well you know the end to that story.

world premiere of new bloggy...

so here it is. the debut of my new bloggy. shopping out loud will always be my 1st, but i needed an outlet that contains less profanity and references to illegal sh!t. also i get to displays the fruits of my creative juices and show what an awesome-ly talented art-teest i am.

ps: i promised my viewers of the new blog that i'll make as little commentary as necessary. so if you get sick of my ranting and bumbling on how much in debt i am or how hungover i am on any given day, then just turn the channel and click over to the new blog. dont worry. i wont get offended...

i'll just kick your @ss.   :D

Monday, September 14, 2009

built ny two "40s" bottle tote

at first glance, so thought this was a beer bottle holder. then [scraping the absolute bottom of my brain] i realized thats probably not possible, since who in their right mind would make a holder for just two bottles? unless it can hold two 40's...then now you're talking!

i mean tell you the truth, in between my 1st glance and the epiphany that this was not for beer, i thought: dude this would be tootally awesome for sporting events. im a double fister [pro] when it comes to ordering brewskies, and those new bud/budlight aluminum bottles get real f*cking cold. so what better contraption to (a) transport my beers to and from the beer stand and (b) keep the reserve brewsky cold and out of my hands as i work on the 1st? (total hands free solution: a clip will be needed to dangle the bag from my belt loop).

then the air in my sails gets deflated as i realize (and read on on the item description), this sh!ts for wine-o. booo!

lesson learned:  i suggest you read the full item description, especially when ordering sh!t online. im absolutely guilty in "skimming" thru descriptions. ie (true story):

-i get package
-discover its not what i "ordered"
-i get all hot and pissed off (shocker)
-call up customer service
-rip 'em new a-hole because what they sent me is the "wrong" sh!t
-while on the phone try to prove how im [always] right and read item description
-then i realize, oops...
-my finger gets a slight seizure and "accidently" presses hang up on phone

i never admit to wrong-ness. just blame it on stoopidity.

click for more info: built ny two bottle tote

Thursday, September 10, 2009

686 snaggletooth 2 limited "ahoy!" edition snowboarding jacket

imagine hoppin [hobbling] around the bunny slopes, your 1st time ever snowboarding, that ret@rd of a guy working at rentals gave you a goofy board (when you're actually a regular boarder) and some @sswipe is plowing down at 85mph right at ya with this jacket on.
well at least prior to impact you will get an advanced [pretty cool and colorful] visual on what poor destiny your eyeball will suffer.

ps: if you happen to be conscious after the major smackdown you suffer from the a-wipe, turn around cause that phresh captain "eye patch" pirate look is what you will be rocking for a while. better brush up on your pirate.

ahoy matey! (well thats a good start...)

north face metropolis "glow" parka

the summer is dead to me. im embracing the fall weather as well as i can. its like accepting a new step-child or something to that effect. you kinda dont wanna, but you kinda have ta.

so in prepping for the colder weather [ugh], im looking for supplies and ammunition to combat the evil winter's chilly wrath. what better and reliable place, than the north face? bring it on, snow!

i find this parka, which i think would suit me well when [literally] chill-in' in my icebox of an apartment during the dead dog days of winter. aside the fact that my apartment is older than the empire state building, the lack of heat my radiator putts out is pretty pathetic. might as well light a match and huddle above it for some heat, that would probably be warmer.

so at least while chill-in' all by my me, myself and i in my "cozy" apartment, i'll look like a stylish glow worm bundled in this bright @ss parka of goodness.

note: the color selection was purely for the glowworm reference. not particularly the color of choice for me, unless im at the outlet and its the only color left in the clearance rack for 94% off. then i'll consider...

ps: speaking of glow. what ever happened to g.l.o.w. (for you non 80's babies, thats gorgeous ladies of wrestling). what i would give for them to release old episodes on dvd or itunes.

are you listening to me god?

click for more info: north face metrpolis parka

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

apple ipod "re-married" 160gb

as an apple junkie who has broken 2 of my 3 exisitng ipods (not including the iphone as that biotch is in its own separate category) ive been waiting literally a year since my 3rd gen ipod classic sh!t the bed for apple to come out with a new one. oh and nano sh!t and even bigger california king size bed this year. ive been currently limping on a shuffle and the gracious-ness of my iphone to store/listen to music. however 512mb and 8gb respectively is un-holy too small for my enormous library of eclectic music.

alas! the newly updated (and longly awaited) 160 gb ipod classic.

it doesnt look any different from the classic from the generation before, but its bigger capacity and probably has better features (i dunno, was too excited to read the new specs). i mean it's is all i need, i think. they'll probably come out with a newer upgrade next year anyways and i'll be stoopid enough to buy it and chuck this one. (oh yea, btw. i am buying this one tomorrow.)

my philosophy: buying new ipods are like marriages in america. 1st comes love, then comes marriage. then comes something newer/hotter/younger, that probably belongs in a baby carriage. talk about upgrading!

click for more info: apple ipod 160gb

apple ipod "i love you" nano 5g

i seriously got turned on after steve job's annoncement of new apple gadgets released today. like really got that tingly feeling inside only george clooney or a meal at the cheesecake factory is able to cause.

the new nano is ridiculous. has a built in camera that shoots video and it comes in all the colors of the gay flag. what more can you ask for?

well, if only it spit out $100 bills every 10 minutes just because it loves me, then that would be even lovelier. sigh...

click for more info: apple ipod 5g

whitney houston i look "fierce" to you

this is further proof on why crack is whack.

dude ms. whitney's comeback is in full effect. lady is lookin hot on the album cover [yes, im sure bit of airbrushing tho, but who cares!]. she looks f.i.e.r.c.e.

album dropped on august 31st. i have no idea how it did on billboard charts, i was too lazy to check. im assuming the sh!t shot up to #1. dont all album debuts from super duper stars hit #1, no matter how sucky it is? i mean if bruce springsteen dropped an album that were all covers of britney spears songs (acoustic) i bet you $17 bucks it'll somehow land #1 on billboard album charts in its debut week. for reals yo...

ps: ms. whitney will be appearing on the oprah winfrey show september 14th. mark your calendars! not only is it ms. o's season premiere, apparently she's said its her best interview ever. apparently ms. whitney spills her guts on like everything, and she's sober!

pps: ms. o has that effect on everyone. i mean when ms. o asks me to jump, i say "how f*cking high and off which mountain?" talk about one of the most influential peeps in the world. i'll do anything ms. o says. other than [the fear of] god, she's the only person who can make me eat poop. for reals yo...

click for more info: whitney houston - i look to you

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

ed hardy "pertty" vodka

not judging a book by its cover, need not apply to this...

i really dont give a sh!t on how the bottle looks. as long as the sh!t inside does the deed and gets me wasted, its all good in the hood.

however, i guess in your hazy drunken state, staring at a pertty bottle as this maybe more pleasant than gazing at a plastic bottle (w/a handle) thats labeled poland spring vodka (@ $9.99 for 2 liters in syracuse). so i figure in this case, the prettier the bottle, the prettier the hangover.

ps: dont stare at this pertty bottle too hard. the mystical designs of ed hardy may "influence" you to get inked in your pertty drunken state. not that that occurence hasnt ever happened before in the "stoopid things did/done while i was f*cked up" in the history of humanity-kind.

unless your name is steve-o [aka poster child for "stoopid things did/done while i was f*cked up" tats].

click for more info: ed hardy vodka

Thursday, September 3, 2009

ben & jerry's hubby hubby "screw prop 8" ice cream

take that prop 8!

in the awesome celebration of vermont becoming the 4th state to give the thumbs up to same sex marriage, the "mayors" of vermont ben and jerry have concoted this tub of goodness called hubby hubby. heehee. i dunno why, but saying hubba hubba just makes me giggle.

i had boycotted benny and jerry for a while after they [erroneously] discontinued my favorite flava, holy canoli. like i literally lost my sh!t. i went and filed a formal protest on, but to no avail. however there is a section on the site that allows you to vote from the grave discontinued flavas. which i have (several times). whatever you can vote as many times as you can for american idol, why not discontinued benny and jerry ice cream??

ps: im not using this historical event in same sex marrage rights history as a platform to express and promote my agenda on re-releasing my beloved holy canoli. my mind tends to sway any which weird ways when the subject of food is involved. its like dangling a block of cheese in front of a mouse.

nike air total "ly too hot for the gym teacher" max uptempo white/navy

update on below post and sorta answer to T's comment on the black/lime green uptempos. they [nike] has recently released the original colorway for these smokin dope @ss kicks.

i was so compelled to scribe about this, im actually posting after hours. like im actually not [bored] working @ work. i truly think this is the 1st time i havent been on my company's "clock" when posting on this glorious blog. wow, im a loser. also note time. i should be in bed, sleeping, and looking forward to work. yea. right.

anywho. i forgot to mention on the previous post, another reason i came to love these kicks was cause there was this hot gym teacher in high school who had the black/lime green ones and like that just sealed the deal on judging his hunka hunka hot-ness.

in reality tho, if i see the teacher now, im sure he wasnt so smoking hot (well up to my current [picky] hunky standards). but sh!t, at the age of 16 what the f*ck do i know? i mean at 16 i thought neil patrick harris from "doogie howser m.d." was hot. well now, he's currently batting for the opposite team. i couldnt pick 'em then, and still cant pick 'em now.

i wont elaborate any further on the last part of the previous statement. im not even gonna try to go through and x-splaining my "all-star" quality roster. if you know what i mean...

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

kate spade genny "i" heart shoe

what more chic of a shoe to describe in a "shoeshell" my [sheer] fondness for footwear. (ps: my lame attempt at scribing a tongue twista)

i know most people have 2 foots and its absolutely not necessary to own as many shoes as there are days in year, or if you're mariah carey and/or imelda marcos [same thing] then its as many shoes as there are seconds in a year.

however, i am not that true of a baller. but dont fret ego. at least i can say based on my calcuations, that with all the shoes i currently own, i dont have to buy another pair until the age of 94. holla.

sh!t at 94, at least i'll be pumpin around with some 5" heels and be the hottest tamale grandmamma mami in the nursing home.

on second thought, thats just asking for a hip replacement surgery...

help! ive fallen and cant get up!

click for more info: kate spade genny heart pumps

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

nike air griffey max "-ed out my credit card" 1

i have his upper deck 1989 rookie card. i became a switch hitter in junior high school because i wanted to hit lefty like him. i had a poster of him hanging on my freshman/sophomore year dorm rooms. i drafted him for my fantasy baseball team this year.

to say the least. i f*cking love griffey.

to say the least these will be in my possesion in couple hours (in a men's size 6).

to say the least i will get evicted from my apartment next month (see post below).

dude. im so f*cked.

ps: im not a stalker. just a deee-voted fan.

pps: not everyone wants to be like mike. some want to be nifty like griffey.

ppps: wow, i crack myself up.
l.q.t.m. (laughing quietly to myself).

click for more info: nike air griffey max 1

nike air total "sugar daddy" max uptempo

get the f*ck outta dodge. these were my all time favorite nike kicks in high school(beside the air max 95, of course). like holy shiz-nit. nike just re-released these super awesome puppies, and are currently selling at foot locker.

why? why? why? must nike re-release dope kicks during a recession? dont they know poor sneaker whores like me would find any which who what when where what way possible to fund our addiction and pay for these kicks. like i'll risk eviction and not pay rent or better yet, [gasp] stop drinking and frequenting [dive] bars just so i can finally get my hands on these pretties. baah.

ps: there's something about that flourscent lime green on footwear that turns me on. like h.o.t. or as they say south of the border, caliente! maybe this answers why when watching ghostbusters (1 and 2) did i get a bit excited with scenes involving slimer.

yes folks. there is a shortage of hot men in new york. hence, me chasing a 2ft tall glob of goo. maybe with the royalties slimer is reaping from the ghostbuster franchise, he can be my sneaker sugar daddy and buy these for his honey [me].

mrs. slimer. well at least my initials wont change...

click for more info: nike air total max uptempo