Thursday, August 27, 2009
ive noticed that recently its taken me longer to poop out my thoughts. i mean sh!t, some of these posts go on for like 4 - 10 paragraphs.
i actually go back an read my itty bitty masterpieces and make subtle corrections to my ret@rded grammar/spelling errors. however, today my a.d.d. @ss has a hard time reading some of these epic blog entries. especially the long ones. my brain goes off into some tangent (like the membrane its already parked on a barstool w/a cold brewsky in its "hand" @ the bar i will be at in 2 hours). like i cannot focus.
in conclusion. i babble a lot. so this is my apology to my loyal readers who have to endure my mindless dribble when diligently scoping out my blog [everyday]. i swear, my whole intention when i begin to write each blog entry is to make sense. but lately (blame it on old-er age) its gotten harder. its like my brain is constipated.
ps: i had no idea what to label this blog. my sole purpose in torturing you poor people with these words of stoopid is so i can kill time before i hit up the bar. hence, with the mention of bar, we must label...
gotta tell ya, i havent bought a cd in years. im one of those @ssholes that pirates music off the internet. but ive been downloading pirated music even before napster was even borned, so i automatically should get government exemption/pardon from being prosecuted for crimes pertaining to illegal music download.
anywho, if you're one of those losers who still uses and/or owns a cd player, they apparently still manufacture those shiny flying saucer thingies they call compact discs. so if there werent enough beatles compliation sets out there, on sept 9th, there will be yet another addition to this familia.
truth. im not a huge beatles fan at all [gasp]. but im a sucker for cool boxed sets of sh!t. it reminds me of those gigantic boxes of crayola crayons where you'd get every single color of the rainbow + the metallic and flourescent ones (dont forget the sharpener tooo). i know. random allergy analogy.
forgive me. im a variety pack kinda gal. like for example i go ape sh!t for utz party mix.
ok, i know. my weirdness factor just jumped up like 20 notches.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
nothing like the upcoming start to the 2009 football season than the sweet smells and [drunken] sounds of tailgating. let go big blue! (thats the ny giants for you non-football fans. losers.) well also the fact my mets suck big fat @ss this season, baseball is dead to me. bring on the football!
gotta tell ya, after baseball, tailgating should be america's 2nd past time, cause we're so dang good at it! listen, we're dang good at eating [high obesity rate] and drinking [we invented beer pong, nuff said], two essential skills in being an expert tailgater. i mean just look at this nifty invention, a grill attached to the @ss of your car? how f*cking cool! only in america.
so now [light bulb] aside from tailgating at sporting events, you can now tailgate before the life's "other" occasions such as weddings, bar mitzvahs and/or baptisms. as long as the venue [synagogue/church] has a parking lot, you're good.
bright side: you'll be doing the host of these events a favor by feeding yourself, thus saving them money feeding your @ss (+1 if you decide to bring someone who's actually willing to go as your date).
brigher side: as a result of the "pre-bar-ing" that ensues during tailgating, you'll be hammered before these events. thus, which, im sure will make sitting through any one of these blessed events even more entertaining than they usually are. capeesh?
ps: the fact that there is a site that sells sh!t soley for tailgating, seriously makes me proud to be an american. check it: tailgaterscentral.com
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
it kinda pains me to category-ize this product under beeeauty, but this only because of a slight technicality, i must. lip balm is supposed to make you perttier.
however, smelling like bacon, no so...
unless you're a "befriended" by 500 ton kodiak bear at the local dive bar, then you will smell zexy as f*ck. too bad by the end the [drunken] night and at the end of your make out session with the oversized cub, you'll be in his belly.
at least you wont have to go on a 2nd date with the furry douche...
Friday, August 21, 2009
the reason this guy comes with a pamphlet is because there's this whole history smorgasbord behind the reason why they [brilliantly] decided to make alcoholic root beer. pertty interesting story actually, tho gotta say i honestly could care less, all i wanna do is drink the sh!t.
1st thing i would make when i get my hands on this alcoholic bottle of glee is a non-virgin root beer float. can you imagine getting wastado [wasted] off ice cream and "root beer"? phenomenal.
as you can tell most of my posts this week are alcohol related. this is not a coincidence. ive had a sh!tty week. and im dealing with it (evidenced by my slight hangover today)...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
this wouldve been more appropriate to post in the morning when usual people eat breakfast. but for people like me who live and breathe breakfast [diner] food, thats 24/7 food for me. nuttin like sausage and home fries (smothered in beef gravy) at 3:00 pm/am. dude im from queens, there's a f*cking diner every 300 yds. i mean per square capita, thats more diner locations than starbucks. take that you monopoly of java.
so for a low one time payment of $3,500 you can get this gid-gadget and have pancakes [breakfast] 24/7. literally anyday and anytime within a matter of seconds (like literally, this machine just bangs them flap jacks out), pancakes, pancakes, pancakes.
yo, that puts [leggo my] eggos to shame. i mean to toast them frozen b!tches alone takes like 10 minutes. f*ck that. by then, ive passed out on my bed and helped cause a 5 alarm fire as my toaster oven has exploded (due to my neglection), all within that 10 minutes. dude those times when you're that wasted and starving, you literally have a 5 minute window before your body shuts down and goes into snooze (not that i have any sorta 1st hand experience).
not that i mind hot nyc firemen coming to my apartment tho. hee...
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
so this past weekend, i got my @ss kicked by a 6 year old in aqua beer pong on this brilliant invention that allows you to play america's "sport" in a pool. ok, fine i let the poor kid win. in addition to me teaching this kid the early [bad] habits of college students and setting him up for a life of [bad] beer boozing, the least i could do was boost his ego and have him claim victory against a washed up almost 30 year ole adult.
*disclaimer: we played with water. im not that big of a scum bag where im feeding a 6 year old beers. after puberty, then come see me. i'll give you a sip of o'douls...
oh, on a totally unrelated note: my co-worker who sits next to me asked for some suggestions for games to play during her grandmother's 100th birthday (mind you theyre all church going geriatrics). of course i suggest, "um hello? beer pong?" can you imagine, 90 year olds in walkers arguing over no blow outs, re-racking or watching that elbow? f*cking hysterical. and of course my co-worker looked at me like i had a pound of snot dripping down my nose.
beer pong is not a fad - its a true sport of champions. amen!
i am more passionate about playing [and winning. like trashing my opponent] in beer pong than anything else in this entire universe. like the incredible hulk in me comes out when im in that "pong zone". i get super duper violent when i lose or go absolute ape sh!t on my opponent when he/she spits some smack to me. like i will injure you mo-fo. grrrr!
so since theyre like a bizillion beer pong rules, like depending on what region of the united states you went to college or if your school was state or private or if your mascot was a reptile, mammal or indian tribe, rules are all different. leave it up to this guy to write a book chronicle-ing the rules, techniques and even smack talk suggestions of this blessed sport. dude, how gnarly? (excuse the college level lingo. any mention of beer pong or bruce springsteen/guns 'n' roses rock songs remind me of those glory days.)
now if only we can get espn to televise beer pong tournaments at local bars, then turn beer pong into a multi-bizillion dollar lucrative sport, then turn pro so i can make an [honest] living playing [and winning] this blessed sport i love.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
now here's a raging lunatic that can give me a run for my pennies in the [lack of] anger management department. the one and only johnny mac-enroe. he was one angry afro'd mofo back in the day when they played tennis with wooden rackets and men wore some tight @ss white shorts. (like, hi. let me lower my sperm count tight). *
put it this way, the guy ended up winning a sh!t ton of grand slams, married/divorced tatum o'neal, then married patty smyth, helped bore 5 kids and has a successful after career as a tennis tv commentator (a good one i must say).
in conclusion. angry people can get/be loved. and reproduction is possible, even after years of supression of the little "guy" in those tighty [whitey] shorts. see there is hope...
just in time for the us open. fault!
*foot [up my @ss] note: i did actual "research" on this blog on wikipedia. so no, i didnt pull this info out of my @ss nor do i memorize/keep tabs on johnny mac's life story.
...even tho i do have an insane knowledge of the most random things. like guinea pigs have an average life span of 4 - 7 years.
gosh dang, ima geeeek.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
aside the fact that my debt is as much as it costs to buy the "cheapest" mercedes benz car (we're talkin 2010 models people), im itching to plunk down a serious hunk of dough (only a lil under $1000) to purchase one of these nikon digital slr babies. my sh!tty point and shoot 5 mega pixie canon aint cutting it anymore. like, im a serious artist.
i cant express my "aristry" with such amateur equipment. i mean, come on. van gogh didnt create such faboosh artwork with crayola finger paint. michaelangelo didnt sculpt "the david" with play-doh. so i refuse to take [brilliant] photographs with some fisher price-y camera. ugh. so beneath this art-teest.
btw. much props to my bloggy friend thanassi who inspired me to get off my lazy @ss and start snapping photos again. last time i attempted photography, film cameras were still the fad and digital cameras were the size of big kleenex tissue boxes. yes folks, back in the day when the "rachel" was the haircut and before dot.com companies f*cked the world economy. [circa 1999]
well, at least if im gonna re-attempt a hobby, i go all in.
go big and go broke.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
you need to keep this set away from me today. its just one of those days where everyone and everything is annoying. like seriously, i almost flung my [loaded] stapler at couple b!tches who asked me the dumbest questions. oh and yea cant forget about this weirdo [who i assume is coked up on meds or something, cause she is dead @ss strange] that laughs like a cracked out tickle me elmo but like on repeat/shuffle. i sometimes want to stab myself with my letter opener to end the pain/misery of listening to that obscenly aggravating cackle.
well actually if you supply me with a hunk of parmesean, instead of enforcing my anger on unexpecting dimwitted co-workers, i can take my aggression out by carving sculptures out of this queso with these cheesey tools. so instead of being carted off for 1st degree assault, i can feed these [animals] f*ckers with my cheese sculptures in the shapes of obscene body parts.
lick my cheese @ssholes.
you guessed it. im in a ridiculously great mood today. [smile].
Friday, August 7, 2009
adding "in bed" after a fortune cookie just brings me giggles. i know, soooo elememtary school humor.
at least something from a chinese food place brings you joy after injesting it. cause after wolfing down a #10 beef & broccoli dinner special with egg roll, pork fried rice, wonton soup, you wont be able to giggle let alone breathe w/o popping your belt or wanting to upchuck all your in-erds.
no giggles about that...
oh, yea. literally was about to hit "publish post" and realized i hadnt said a word about the product. woopsey daisy, got too caught up on bodily functions.
pretty necklace huh? im all about the packaging. yes, and im one of those shallow b!tches that judges a book by its cover. if the book doesnt have a pic of garfield or hot fabio lookin dude on the cover, i aint gonna read it.
i feel real bad for those stoopids that are in summer school now. ive never been/done summer school. (but i guess working on a friday on a beeeautiful day as today is about the equivalent.) i was pretty dang gifted academically in my formative years. needless to say, i've fallen [thrown] off this mensa wagon. hence the keyword: was.
what the hell happened to me?
(as adam sandler would say...) o'doyle rules!
excuse the rambling. im currently at work staring outside my window, looking up at the clear blue sky and thinking that i would eat my right arm, if thats what i took to get my daydreaming @ss to the beach instead. and i'll eat the left arm if that'll get me a pina colada. and i'll eat my left knee if that'll get me one of those lil umbrellas w/my pina nina colada. after all that, im gonna need an extra long straw to drink my drink, unless you wanna pump it in me intravenously...
i'll take the intravenous. at least it'll save me from a brain freeze from sucking the pina too fast.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
i got ambushed by one of those aggresive perfume chicks at bloomingdales yesterday. she wouldnt leave me alone about trying this new perfume by mj. granted i love mj more than my entire wardrobe [this includes shoes, sneakers and under garments], but it was additional 50% off the sale price on sh!t, i was in a focused shopping zone and could not/must not be bothered*.
*you, the public are now fore-warned. seriously. dont mess with me when i get like that because i'll cut a b!tch.
so you're wondering if i spared the life of the perfume chick huh?
put it this way. i left bloomingdales empty handed and smelling like lola. the b!tch lived.
think im starting to lose my touch. in shopping and doling out beat downs...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
when you think anthropologie, you think dainty. girlie. fairy. lace. doilie.
so no surprise when you see this bottle opener displayed online, it sits next to a bottle of club soda. very proper. id be more shocked if it sat next to a bottle of old e or some sort of fine malt liquor.
yes. i used "fine" and "malt liquor" in the same sentence, let alone same blog entry. ive been caught drinking a 40 in a paper bag on the corner of 14th st & 3rd ave when i was 19 by the nypd po po. for that, i'll forever have a soft spot in my heart for malt liquor. see im squishy today.
trust me, its only for a limited time. im never nice for too long. just ask mi familia.
btw. im a huge hootie & the blowfish fan. i have like 4 of their albums (like CDs. thats legit). please dont judge me. im a little sensitive [squishy] today. like i broke the point to my #2 pencil and i got emotional. someone get me a midol.
so in order to cheer myself up, i go to anthropologie.com and try to blow whats left of my paycheck less the rent check that my landlord just cashed = $44.01. which if you folks have ever shopped there, that'll get you maybe a (one) beaded tea light or an (one) embroidered dishtowel.
in the midst of my search of these owl tea cups i saw in the store, i find this blowfish tea set. how f-ing delightful and adorable. then, my mind shifts and i think, these blowfish are some poisonous bastards. and there are some re-tards out there that roll the dice and eat them, knowing one chomp and lead to a death. like really? if you need that much "thrill" in life, go put all your money on red at the roulette table or shoplift or better yet drive w/o a seat belt. i mean if you're gonna die thrill seeking do it by jumping off a big rock or a some flying object.
god forbid your dumbass gets poisoned by a fish that looks like a spiny tennis ball. thats kinda embarassing...
cause if im going down in the hands of some kinda marine life, i'd at least wanna go down by being eaten by a great white shark or a sperm whale. not poisoned by a fish people actually keep as pets.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
i swear, the way children raised these days, by the time they reach 5 years old they're able to recite the alphabet in swahili while computing logarithim theories. its absolutely insane how much these little whipper snappers know. they're practically coming out of the birth canal with a laptop attached to their umbilical cords and by the time it belts out its first "wah!" the little peanut is creating its own email account. ridiculous...
well now, so if we're going to mold a future julia [child], this is the perfect betty crocker-esque outfit. doesnt it kinda remind you of that tv show in the 80's, small wonder where they had that [creepy] robotic little girl who wore a similar kinda dress? i bet she could whip a 15 course thanksgiving meal all by her itty bitty self, which would put my stoopid @ss to shame shame. last thanksgiving i f*cked up boxed mash potatoes. a frggin newborn orangutan can probably do a better job than this cavechick [me].
oye vey. im definitely some good marriage material. ha...
Monday, August 3, 2009
i swear. this is real. my old-er sister somehow stumbled across this at some bodega and sent me a picture message over the cell phone on her [eureka] discovery.
just the packaging alone, you'd think it was one of those gag things you get at spencer's gifts. like drinking it would either turn your mouth black or better yet, poison the unknowing twit you were tryin to pull a fast one on.
no but they're totally a legit bottled watering company. they even have an official website. i mean any food product that actually has a www addy [with a colorful/entertaining site to boot], and a "contact us" link with a real corporate address and phone number is enough validation for me to drink/eat it. screw the f.d.a.
ps: ive never had a bout of food poisoning, if that says anything.
pps: watch. just mentioning that point above, that sushi i just ate for lunch is gonna turn on me so fast, i'll have no clue what hit me. have an inklink, me and the toilet bowl will be come fast friends in a minute or so...
[queue: jaws music. dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun dun...]
click for more info: wat-aah! bottled water