Friday, July 31, 2009

under armour recharge "bionic" compression ls crew

gotta tell ya. under armour is giving mighty nike a run for its money. dont get me wrong, im a nike whore til the end, but im kinda impressed with the new sh!t that under armour is poopin out.

first and foremost, to see a most diesel ripped dude covered in muscles wearing one of these compression shirts has got to be the hottest thing in the world. i mean let me analogize: its like back in the 80's, when the hottest thing in the planet were those chicks who wore skin tight @ss mini dresses [ie: warrant's "cherry pie" video sleeze chick].
you feel me?

secondly, ...
sorry. i had a point, but i got all too excited dreaming about ripped football players prancing around the gridiron in tight ass under armour shirts, i literally lost my [sh!t] train of thought. someone get me a fan.

ok, so let me actually tell you about the product. not only does it wick away sweat and protect you from sweaty gym [rat] funk, it strategically compresses your muscles in places where it reduces swelling/soreness and promotes tissue repair. ok, serious? cause that is pretty sick.

so the next time i decide to enter a boxing ring and do battle against an enormous australian kangaroo, i make sure to wear this under armour. cause by the end of the bout, i'm gonna need something to compress my inner organs from spilling out of my bod after most probably suffering a massive beat down by the bouncy marsupial.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

jonathan product beauty "bottled" water shower purification system

today must be hair theme day.

so ive been sitting at my desk all day, being absolutely useless to the human race [and my job] and doing absolutely nothing. i checked out even before arriving to work. well actually ive been semi-productive, snipping off split ends from my hair. i'd make a fortune if they paid me for every split end found & cut cause i got a bunch. actually ive found some really raad @ss ones that split off like 5 times, i mean they look like mutant split ends. coool...

anywho. for you snots who wash your hair with evian bottled water [yes, there are yahoos out there. ie: kim basinger who was notorious for doing such wacko sh!t. dont ask, i know such random sh!t. im like the asian "wikipedia" sensation] jonathan antin developed this thing that "purifies" your shower water. it filters the bad sh!t thats in tap water so it wont harm your lovely locks. so does this mean i can drink my shower water?

listen, im no hair nazi. the most i do for my treds is the occasional application of conditioner after shampoo-ing. however, as you can see in my bathroom, there is always an overwhelming amount of conditioner left compared to shampoo. so pretty much i suck at hair caring and amongst other things...

frederic fekkai marine "mane" summer hair beach waves

my curly mane is fake. no asian is borned with curly hair unless yo momma was sleeping with the postman or someone down the line of ancestry was doing a little sookie sookie with some other nookie nookie besides the hubby wubby.

since ive been a lazy f*ck and not gone back to touch up my perm in like 2 years, i got some kinked out hair. so takes a whole lotta maintenance and hair product to make this mane look somewhat presentable (as opposed from putting it up in the usual "messy" bun all the time).

so to tame this mane, freddy fekkai makes this spray that give you that "i just got back from the beach" wavy look. oh and to boot, it smells like the beach (anything labeled "beachy" scent pretty much smells like suntan lotion). i mean this sh!t is friggin awesome.

too bad ive had to resort to outside tools to make myself look beachy [b!tchy]. its not my fault its been a f*cking atrocious summer weather wise and i havent once made it out to the beach in long island. just for that i think the weather god should grant us 3 months of indian summer. like im serious. by december, i better be hanging christmas ornaments & decorations with my teeny weeny bikini on.


the last post i did (below) apparently was #150. i mean no massive milestone, but i figure the #150 is a nice even number and another reason to pat myself in the back and rave what a f*ckin awesome blogger i am.

ps: as a result of this blog, i have birthed a new categoy, "ego boost". sounds like one of those boosts you get at jamba juice.

i'll take a sixteeen peanut butta moo'd with an ego boost. pronto.
oh yea, name is angela.

pps: if youve never been to jamba juice, then you have absolutely no f*cking clue what im talking about. so i suggest you get your @ss to the nearest one and recognize the blog post.

ppps: because im so f*cking nice here's the location link: jamba "find me" juice

pppps: this blog is not brought to you by jamba juice. i swear. if i was getting paid to be a jamba b!tch and advertise their sh!t i wouldnt be stuck here at work writing to you, the peanut gallery. i'd be absolutely loaded and chillin in front of my mansion size beach hut in fiji, swaying on a hammock with an x-large pina colada in my hand.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

olympus stylus tough "wiener" 12.0mp digital camera

to be frank. this post is purely functional. trying to kill time before 1:00pm (my goal for lunch time) while also trying to ignore my hunger and the hole the whiskey from last night is making in my stomach.

[sound effect: stomach *grumble garble*]

its waterproof up to 33 feet of water. so this diggie camera can tag along while you take a dip in the pool (unless you happen to own a pool deeper than 33 feet. if ya do, then sh!t. you must have a f*cking ocean in your backyard!) the semi-waterproofness of the camera is probably what gives this tough guy its name. actually its dang tougher than i, since im apparently not waterproof. drop me in a "pool" of 33 feet and i'll sink to the bottom like a f*cking cinderblock. like i cant even doggy paddle. god im sucha weenie.

ps: apparently humans unlike tadpoles are not borned with the skillz to swim.

pps: with that last piece of knowledge i just burped out, its now chow time.

[sound effect: ringing of the lunch triangle. ding-a-linga-ling....]

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

burberry check "allo!" snow boot

this fantastically sh!tty weather in nyc this summer + the arrival of fall fashion [at your nearest retailer] = usually a 24/7 suicide watch for me.

so this year, since i physically cannot fly to outer space and bear hug the earth to cease its rotation around the sun and make it forever summer in nyc, im giving this "optimistic" approach in life a whirl: cant beat them, then join 'em. and by join 'em, i mean buying fall fashion right when its released (and at full price). because i aint waiting for this sh!t to go on sale, cause that wont be for another 2 months and by then, i mightve done myself in from the weather depression.

what better item to start off this new outlook in life, than a pair of snow boots? ive been one of those [stoopid] people refusing to buy any sorta appropriate footwear [boots, wellies, muck-lucks] for [crap-tastic] natural occurances such as rain or snow. i rebel and wear flip flops [slippery] when it rains and sneakers [slippery-iest] when it snows. apparently, i also love to fall on my @ss during such inclement weather while trying to be a rebel bad @ss.

but, if im gonna purchase hideous (but functioning) footwear for crappy weather, sh!ts gotta be hot. so i figure, slap on some burberry stripes, and you got the rolls royce of weather boots. [failed attempt at british fashion humor, since im not hearing any laughter...allo!]

ps: perfect footwear to stomp on cockaroaches in my apartment. guards your foot from the splash of a pesky water bug. talk about weather function-able...

click for more info: burberry check snow boot

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

gap pee-pee "pop a squat" teepee

disclaimer: i am in no way yearning for children. that biological clock that apparently ticks in normal females my age, is currently "out of service" and the technician hired to fix it is indefinitely on vacation in bali. guess that sucks to be me...

my trips to baby gap have become pretty frequent these days. thats what usually happens when you're pushing the age of 30. that and even more frequent trips to the bed bath & beyond store purchasing waffle makers and can openers off people's registries. fun (and expensive) sh!t. yipee!

i avoid baby showers at all costs because you have no idea. the noise level of 30 [screeching] women trapped in a small room, i mean decibel level is comparable to a backstreet boys concert with screaming teenie-boppers. makes you want to blow your head off with a super soaker.

so im my mission to ship a pregg-o friend of mine a baby gift (since ive politely declined the shower invite), i see these (well what i think) are mini hats for the tiny noggin of a newborn. however, in close examination and further research (ok, i just clicked the item description) they're these thing-a-ma-bobs that cover? the pee-pee of a newly borned youngster during the diaper change process. listen, i have zero experience changing diapers. so i had no clue that one can "accidently" experience a golden shower while changing diapers.

guess this happens quite often if someone is inventing these tiny santa hat-like thingies. now only if they made them in adult size, would solve a lot problems.

ie: public urination.

ps: love the overly descript product name & description on the package. seriously, i lol-ed...

click for more info: gap pee-pee teepee

Friday, July 17, 2009

jamba juice green "garden of eden" tea matcha blast

so ive spent the last 1/2 hour trying to find a stoopid pic of this jamba juice green tea smoothie that im absolutely obsessed with. i had to settle for the ensemble picture [above] of smoothies. greenie is 2nd to the left. isnt he cute?

in my 1/2 hour google image search saga for this image, my mouth was just salivating at the thought of one of these smoothies. it was kinda like slight torture. because:

(a) there is no jamba juice within 100 yards of me.
(b) i dont have a spare intern [b!tch] to go fetch me one.
(c) i refuse to get the imitation one that starbucks has. not only does it not taste as good (ick), its about 200 calories more. and everytime i walk into a starbucks [garden of eden] im tempted to get the (forbidden-ingly fattening) jumbo m&m cookie [apple].

yes. im referencing the bible. i, at one point in my life did attend church until i discovered the national football league. since then, watching football on my couch has became my new religion on sundays. for admitting to that last statement, i probably just bought my 1st class ticket to heck [hell]. sorry god...

oh well, at least it TGIF!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

headless "clueless" lodziarnia print

anyone ever have one of those vending machine lunches? lifesaver for appetizer, bag of doritos [cool ranch] as main course and a twinkie for desert. done. thats what you call a 3 course meal on a budget.

or has anyone literally just stand in front of a vending machine for like 20 minutes debating whether to get the "healthier" baked potato chips, or the evil fattening cheese doodles? or do i want something sweet or something salty? or wtf? they forgot to fill the machine, so im stuck with the lamest choices of boring trail mix or dried fruit. ugh. tragedy.

or or has anyone ever stand in front of an open fridge and stare aimlessly at the massive [or lack] amount of food? i do. my mom yells at me all the time for wasting electricity. see, whenever i come home to my parent's casa, i usually just open the fridge and stand there in awe at the sheer amount of food and condiments they have. because, my teeny tiny fridge consists of literally just water, cheese, expired mustard, moldy bread and a dead housefly (dont ask, dunno how to the fat sucker got in there. but his carcass is being well preserved by my fridge).

all scenarios that pooped into my head when [over] analyzing this above work of art.

in conclusion: im always hungry, broke and indecisive (and a touch of weird).

click for more info: headless lodziarnia print

benj odd one "me" out t-shirt

if this tee doesnt scream "middle child syndrome" i dunno how else to describe this [in-curable] disease.

incurable. yes. apparently years of therapy, verbally [abusing] badgering the old-er sis, kicking my younger bro in the balls [when provoked] and drinking massive gallons of whiskey are not working...

click for more info: benj odd one out t-shirt

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

alvtee "im a" dork t-shirt

dunno. the band-aid on the forehead just reminded me of the pink crater of a zit thats currently on my noggin. i mean, gross like crater chris from garbage pail kids. wow, remember those cracked out degenerates?

oh ya. plus, the tee reminds me what a huge friggin dork i am. sorry random [but true] thought...

update: i just re-read this blog entry today [date/time stamp: 7/22/2009 @ 10:50am]. i literally mustve been coked out on some caffeine or insanely hungover, cause wow. was i all over the place or what? whew...

click for more info: alvtee dork t-shirt

j.crew golden "rouse" starfish capri sandal

im a sucker for anything that has some added rhinestones especially in the shapes of stars (pertty). i bet if you shoved a pair of hideous crocs (i refuse to buy, ewe...) or nasty uggs (ewe. ewe...) that were iced out with swarovski crystals, i'd probably buy them.

again, a sucker. i am...

btw: i refuse to call it "bling" and refuse to x-splain why its annoying. just refer to one of my previous posts [rants] on the reason why because im trying to stay un-angry today. happy thoughts. happy thoughts...

confession: im currently on trying to buy these 2 dresses (total $59.98). however these f*ckers want to charge me $10.50 for s&h, which honestly is not gonna fly with me. so to get around [screw] the system, i found a coupon code for free shipping on orders over $150, so i was gonna dump this [iced out] flip flop in my shopping cart to tip my order total over the $150 mark, get the free shipping, then when i receive return the sandals. smart eh?

see, stick with this [overly] seasoned shopping veteran and i'll show you a trick or two.

note: in order for this master scheme to work, the item that is "supposed" to be returned needs to be the most sh!t-hideous thing in the world. so you have no choice but to return the dang oogly thing. apparently tho, im not doing such a great job, cause me likey these star-fishy sandals...

ps: about 93.5% chance these sandals are a keeper. hence, in trying to screw the system, i screw me-self.

pps: i probably came up with this whole rouse knowing i was going to keep the sandals. it should be duly noted however, my valiant attempt in saving money on s&h with the execution of this scheme. so, i get an "a" for execution and an "f" for...

self control?

Friday, July 10, 2009

coach new "bruise" poppy large flower ring

if you're ever involved in a bar fight...

or let me put it this way, if you're prone to starting/getting involved in bar fights [like me], i suggest you arm yourself with a gi-normous cocktail ring such as this. not only do you look stylish, but it also multi-functions as a deadly weapon. stylish and deadly. i like that.

this is best mode of protection and also tearin up your opponent's face with a ring such as this. ive punched a guy in the chest [what? he asked me to...] and i broke skin wearing a ring the size of a golf ball.

ps: another benefit in clocking some b!tch with this ring, they'll at least have a bruise the shape of a pretty flower. well i guess that a benefit for the b!tch.

pps: the flower at least in the 1st stages of brusing be a beautful shade of purple, such as this ring. pertty...

ppps: if the douche bag in the receiving end of the punch is a male, then he's asked out. unless he can get a pair of matching bruises, they can pass for female nipples. whoah beaming headlights!

lol. sorry i crack myself up...

coach tattoo "cowabunga" surfboard

yo. seriously. thought coach making soap was something out of left field. but to now find out they make surfboards? holy cowabunga. at first i thought it was a keychain with a fun little surfboard. but the sticker shock of a $1500 keychain - i think, not possible. as i read on, i find out, it is a dang surfboard.

bit flabbergasted. who on holy earth would buy a coach surfboad? i dunno. i picture some annoying chick strutting to the beach with her 4" lucite heels with patent leather red coach bag in toe, attempting to hang ten while avoiding having her face touch any water (god forbid her makeup gets ruined).

like oh my gawd.

ps: shipping and handling for this board to nyc costs $8.50. i dunno how thats possible. i mean i tried buying four pairs of bikinis from abercrombie & fitch online and shipping was gonna be like $10.00.

pps: dont ask why im buying four bikinis. i just buy sh!t in bulk.

click for more info: coach tattoo surfboard

coach legacy "potty mouth" soap set

since when did coach enter the soap business? this is news to me...

ivory, irish spring, and dove watch out. you got a ringer here looking to conquer the world of suds. the fact that these bars of soap are packaged like pieces of gourmet chocolate scores mucho points in the style competition.

just hope some dildo doesnt mistake it for chocolate. not only will it leave a bad taste after couple chomps, you'll be wasting about $13 ($38 come in a box), cause that about how much it costs per bar.

however for $38 a pop. pretty cheap to literally get your mouth washed with soap and cure potty mouth-ness. for me tho, probably need about a heap loada bars to accomplish that.

f*ck thats alotta dough!

click for more info: coach legacy soap set

Thursday, July 9, 2009

tweezerman polka dot "iced" swarovski tweezer

i left the award "seals" just to confirm what great taste i have in selecting products to post about. yes. pin a rose on my f*cking nose.

anyone with hair can attest having a good tweezer is the key to hairless life. my blood boils when i try in vain to plug that one in[bred] grown hair that just wont come out. then you end up with a welt the size of a wasp sting from this fruitless attempt to yank out that pesky follicle.

my old sister bestowed upon me one of these tweezerman tweezers. not as iced out tho. its like the johnny walker blue of tweezers. top of the line, and smooth. well this dumb@ss [me] dropped it in the sink and dented it slightly which in the world of tweezers its like in baseball a pitcher tearing their rotator cuff. devasting injury, leaving you useless.

low and behold, tweezerman offers free sharpening for tweezers, how awesome is that? i filled online form and sent the sucker back to the motherland of tweezers and hopefully within couple weeks i get back nice and sharpened and fixed.

for the meantime, ive gone to the bullpen and am using some wacked cvs brand tweezer.
learned a lesson in life with this experience: dont skimp on personal grooming tools. the better the hardware, the neater your lawn will look.

amazon "bookworm bff" kindle 2

im back and darker than ever. flo-rida's sun is strong as sh!t, i mean came back like 5 shades darker. can pass for a samoan or some sorta southeastern asian islander (whoah, that was a mouthful).

so in my [absolutely painful] plane ride back from flo-rida [air tran, never ever ever fly them. they blow big donkey @ss] i actually finished reading my 1st book in like 6 years. yes folks, i read a whole book (all 328 pages). pop some bubbly and let us drink [drunk] to celebrate. well lemme add a footnote, it took me 6 hours to fly home from flo-rida and was stuck between some wacko b!tch who kept staring at me and copying everything i did (a la single white female), and a 350lbs man whose bod spilled partially onto my seat. like [les] miserable. i had no choice, either attempt to drown myself in my complimentary diet coke or sit and read.

fine. im getting to my point. feeling newly thespian-ized finishing my 1st novel since reading the last of the babysitter's club series (bsc super special #12: here come the bridesmaids), i have the urge to reaching deep into my inner bookworm and continue in this magical journey of reading. [enter] the amazon kindle 2. its like an ipod but for bookworms. download books and read it on the screen, and you can even plug in earphones and it reads to you! a dream come true for a bookworm slacker like myself. if only you can command it to make you a [non] virgin pina colada as you "read" your book on the beach (hold the cherry).

guess you cant have it all...

click for more info: amazon kindle 2

Thursday, July 2, 2009

kangaroos magnolia "the bird" sneakers

im a sucker for silly patterns. you can slap some paisley on the oogliest pair of buster brown shoes and i'll mostly likely buy them.

i mean how friggin cute is this? kangaroos with cherries on them. adore-able. kangaroos always brings me back to my childhood when i owned a pair of pink suede roos. which eventually got stained with blood when some moron closed an iron gate on my right middle finger and literally chopped it off.

no worries tho. the doc was able to sew the sucker back on and its still fully functioning, even after 22 years. based on a true story, i swear. just dont stare at my middle finger next time you see me, cause i might flip you the bird.

click for more info: kangaroos magnolia sneakers

nike dri-fit shifty "fist pump" yoga t-shirt

i dont do yoga. it probably would do me some good, especially in the anger management department. but leave it up to me to rebel against sh!t thats good for me. ie: vegetables, fruit, therapy, alcoholics anonymous...

to my credit. i am the biggest gym [nyc sewer] rat. i pump iron like the biggest meatheaded goomba. i'd like to say the trips to the gym are solely for health reasons, but that [un]forunately is not the case. i absolutely only go to check out meatheaded goomba men [fist pump, fist pump].

see here i go again rebelling. im gonna use the fist pump as the symbol of my revolution against everything thats supposed to be good for me.

btw, this post literally makes no sense. im literally sh!tting out mumbo jumbo as ive already checked out from working my usual normal job.

cute t-shirt tho. still doesnt make me wanna do [yoda] yoga. ohhm. shanti.

nike dri-fit cotton "pish" just do it t-shirt

yes. im a self-professed nike nerd. i live and breathe all their sh!t and technology. (ok, breathe and sh!t in same sentence, ewe. sorry...)

to be honest, most of my nike knowledge stems from my 2 year tenure at niketown. what? you think i paid full price for all of my 99 pairs of sneakers? pish. amen for employee discount, which i fully used and abused [glady].

so this tee im posting on is not your average [joe] shirt. back when nike introduced dri-fit (google it if your nimrod-ness doesnt know what that is) all the clothing was made of polyester. not only is your 1st thought saturday night fever, or some one piece v-neck jumpsuit from the 70's with any mention of the word polyester, but its that sh!t fabric when you snag it on your hang nail, it causes those annoying runs on your shirt. i mean, shirt ruined. period. unless you wanna walk around in a shirt that looks like your cat went ape sh!t on, go knock yourself out.

finally, the nike scientists over in beaverton, oregon have mastered a formula to create a cotton dri-fit tee. yipee! to you non-nike-ers this is one of those whoop-dee-doo moments. however to a most devoted fan such as i (blink blink of the eyelashes) this is fabooshly awesome.

keep just do-ing it nike! gosh, that was corny. whatever. im going to buy another pair of sneakers now. pish.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

pepsi "dee-lish flava'd" throwback

listen. im one of those b!tches who drinks diet anything. diet coke. diet snapple. diet dr. pepper. jack and diet. in the back of my noggin, i know probably in like 20 years, the fda will find out that nutrisweet causes bodily harm and may result in you growing a third arm. (unless you already have one, then you'll have quadruplets.)

so pepsi's answer to bringin it back to the olden days when [potentially poisonous] sh!t like nutrisweet, oleo and spenda didnt exist, is making soda with natural sugar. introducing, pepsi throwback. guess naming it "retro pepsi" was just too obvious of an attempt in being vintage.

tell you the truth, its pretty dang good. i, myself am a hardcore coca cola person, but this "natural" piece of carbonated gaseous dee-lish-ish-ness gives diet coke a run for its [bubbly] money. only downside, its calorically challenged. meaning it contains calories. bunk.

in conclusion, im still going to choose diet coke over pepsi throwback. no calories [health] over taste. i mean isnt that the whole reason why people drink the sh!ttier tasting nutrisweet flava'd diet coke? unless my nastradamus-like prediction serves me correct and the nutrisweet ends up being like radiation, then i'll have to poke an extra hole in all my shirts for my growing 3rd arm.

the irony here is (for you slow tinkers):
you try to eat healthy, it bites you in the @ss.
you eat like sh!t you grow a big @ss.

click for more info: pepsi throwback

commando low beams "censoring" nipple concealers

its a conspiracy. the 2 days i was itchin [like i had fleas] to blog, there was a problemo with [of course] only the posting option on blogger. some bullsh!t error would pop up, hence force-ably censoring my potty mouth for couple days. but dont fret my pets, this bull sh!t error has now been fixed. missed me?

speaking of censoring, found these neat-o stickers that cover your rosebuds with an even neat-o punch line under their decription:
headlights are for cars, so keep the girls under control and looking fabulous with low beams. [gosh thats funny.]

nothing hotter than seeing a chick with her [twin] girls standing at attention and showing the world all their glory on a brisk chill day. i mean it leaves very little to the imagination what is underneath that [skimpy] tee with those grape nuts poking out. its like free admission to wet t-shirt contest, sans the h20. (but we all know how nipples look like, eh?]

however if you wish to be a prude and silence your chest-icles from their gosh given right of freedom to expression, then these low beam concealers are your perfect [communist] solution.

ps: believe one size fits all, unless your rosebuds are more like the size of sunflowers. then i'd suggest slathering some maple syrup on a couple extra large pancakes [from ihop] and slap them b!tches on your bubbies. thats what you call full coverage.

pps: if that last ps was a disturbing suggestion, blame it on blogger. i got all this pent up brain [sewage] flowage from my 2 day layoff, im a bit out of control.

shes a maniac, mani-aaaaaac on the floor....
[strobe light, strobe light]