Thursday, June 25, 2009

cushie "noggin aid" neck pillow

there are times when i feel like my head weighs as much as a 20 lbs thanksgiving turkey. really. my neck feels like its gonna snap at the sheer weight of my noggin. call it being tired, exhausted, drunk, or hungover. but sometimes i need a little [spanx] support for my wee lil big egg head noggin.

tah dah! cushie comes and saves the day (a la might mouse). i would die for one of these for work so i can stop looking like im dozing off. however, i may look like those weirdo fools on the plane with one of these doo-hickeys around my neck. whatever, guess its better than lookin like a drunk [sailor] slacker at work with my head whippin back and forth like im on a rollercoaster to hell.

[with hands up in the air, wavin like you just dont ca-re]

click for more info: cushie neck pillow

nike usa soccer "snoozin" jersey

soccer is one of my least favorite sports. and apparently according to the world, im a minority as most of this universe seems to be [lady] gaga about this sport. snooze. however, i'lll use any excuse to show my patriot-ism towards my country [tis of thee].

so usa soccer beat espana yesterday in the confederations cup semi-finals 2-0, snapping a something like 35 game winning streak by rafa nadal's motherland. thats pertty big sh!t, its like david beating goliath or in more recent examples, the ny giants shocking victory over the patriots in stoopid bowl xlii. ok, so i had to eek in something about one of my favorite sports. this post was starting to get snoozin' with all the soccer references. zzzz...

my greatest congrats to usa soccer. i probably wont be watching the finals against either south africa or brazil because i have more important things going on this weekend [yanks vs mets subway series - kill the yanks!]

knowing my luck, usa soccer will pull this final out of their @ssholes and win the cup and i'll probably miss one of the most stunning upsets in fifa soccer history. oh well.

kill the yanks!

click for more info: nike usa soccer jersey

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

fiber one oats and chocolate "laxative" bars

not to be groddy gross. but if you have problemos dropping the deuce, munch on a couple of these bad boys and you will no longer have any issues dropping anything. screw the ex-lax. and at least these suckers taste dang good.

however a note of caution [*blinking red lights*] there is such a thing as eating too much fiber. trust me, it took a trip to the health center at work and a nurse hearing my tummy with a steth-a-scope and telling me it sounded like the 4th of july fireworks in my stomach.

call it gluttony or stoopid-ness buying a box of 50 from costco and attempting to finish it in a week. just imagine congestion on any given los angeles highway during rush hour. painful.

khaled hosseini kite "marathon" runner

so im back from flo-rida, about 3 shades darker and missing about 1/8th of my brain, fried off due to the blazing [hip-hop and r&b] sun. at least i look skinnier with this bad @ss tan.

anywho. i was given this book over the weekend (for "father's day" as i would call it - i dont celebrate my "birthday"). it was highly recommended and apparently everyone else that reads in this world does too (including diane sawyer).

honestly. i havent read a entire novel in like 9 years. seriously, its called cliff notes. they work wonders, especially when you're minor-ing in english and textual studies and refuse to buy books for the class. god im a rebel. tell you the truth, the most reading i do a day is skimming the nutrition facts labels of my diet coke and cheese puffs. so my olympic-esqe attempt to read this 371 page cinderblock will be quite the challenge. im currently on page 31 which is like running 2 miles of a 26.2 mile marathon.

according to my track record, i'll either crawl to the finish line after completing the marathon in like 5 months or fake an injury that requires hospitalization after mile 5 and not finish at all. either way, it'll be a sad display on how much i suck at reading...

who's taking bets?

click for more info: khaled hosseini kite runner

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

crate & barrel pot "roach" clip

this thang is like a roach clip for your pot. goodness the metaphors (i have no idea if im even using this word in the right context, but it sounds pertty intelligent) relating to weed in previous sentence, you'd think i was some pothead. keyword, was. i am retired.

you know. with all the disclosures of my druggie past, alcoholic present and future bankruptcy on this dang blog, its quite apparent that i would probably not be a good candidate to run for public office. this blog alone has more ammunition than a texan cowboy's ranch to destroy my political career within days. ok, maybe minutes. talk about putting the kibosh on my dreams in being mayor of nyc.

why mayor of nyc? cause they probably get free [dope seats] tickets to mets games all the time. like hello? what other motivation can there be?

click for more info: crate & barrel pot clip

cuisinart deluxe ss "lazy" can opener

for the past year, ive been using one of those ghetto can openers you buy at a 99 cent store. like seriously it takes me 1/2 hour to just open a can. by the end of this epic saga, ive managed to lose my appetite because of sheer exhaustion and set myself up for arthritis in my hands, fingers, arms and brain. all this for a dang can of chicken noodle soup. someone hand me a cup of noodle.
no can opener required for them sh!ts.

this can all be avoided if i bit the bullet and just threw down $20 for a fancier schmancier can opener. but my cheap @ss is so gosh dang stubborn in thinking that $20 can be spent in more productive ways [drinking] that i refuse. drinking over eating [nourishment]? well i guess if you put it that way, wouldnt call it stubborn-ness, it be more like stoopidity.

in conclusion, the fact that im looking to plunk down $49.95 (extra $29.95 for you non-math wizards) for a machine that does the can opening for me, speaks volumes on what a lazy son [well daughter] of a f*ck i am.

idea: then again, i could just not buy canned food. that would just solve all my problems. duh.

note: at least spam cames with easy open lid. mmm. spam. god i love sh!t meat.

click for more info: cuisinart deluxe ss can opener

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

guiness glass "hold the eggs" set of 4

nothing like a nice hearty guiness in the morning for breakfast. screw the continental breakfast [hold the eggs] or the mcdonald's big breakfast [hold the eggs]. truth be told calorically, i bet a gallon of guiness would be less than the 2 aforementioned breakfast options [hold the eggs].

its gross to think your typical breakfast [we're in america people] consisting of 2 pancakes, home fries, 2 sausages and a biscuit [hold the eggs] can equal over 1000 calories. barf. if im gonna consume that much calorically in the morning, might as well get a wee little buzz and just drink me some guiness [throw in an irish car bomb or 3] and call it a meal. yum.

ps: ok. i was slightly off. a pint of guiness = 210 calories. so it'll take about 8 pints to = 1 gallon, hence = 1680 calories in a gallon of guiness. looking at the brightside, guiness is fat free. seriously. no joke.

pps: [hold the eggs] = me hating eggs. never eaten/or will eat them omletted, scrambled, poached or fried. gross. barf. however if you hide them nicely like in cake batter, i will eat. gladly.

ppps: sadly, have failed to find an irish pub that is opened at 9am around here. that blows big nut chunks cause i was salivating just typin the post. mmm. guiness.

click for more info: guiness glass set of 4

Friday, June 12, 2009

abercrombie & fitch henderson "juiced" lake tee

here we go again. more moose meese boozin tees from abercrombie. i f*ckin love it. nothing like promoting drinking and nudity amongst the youth of america. just be thankful abercrombie didnt decide to makes these tees in kids size. cause i have a pretty strong ink-link that the bible belt of america would have a tizzy tiff about it. no worries billy graham cracker.

on another note. seems like moosey meese has been juicin at the least. jeebus christ. check out the rambo guns on this massive hunka bunka elk. i mean quite the change from not even 2 months ago, when i blogged about his appearance on the pamela tees cavorting around with bucky beaver.

i mean he looks like the moose version of jose canseco. on 2nd thought, partying with some hoes, choking an eagle, runnin around naked, and grilling with a tight @ss wife beater are pretty much the characteristics of a mr. canseco.

wonder if he's entitled to royalties?

click for more info: abercrombie & fitch henderson lake tees

polo ralph lauren big "middle" country polo

ok. im partially guilty in posting this because of the ever-so good looking [leo dicaprio-esque] model in this picture let alone the cool shirt. also its quite the stylish way to show pride for your mother country.

and no. i aint swiss (but i do like their chocolate. yum. swiss miss.) but as the quintessential middle child, i pick the most neutral middle of the road country in the world. like if the middle children of the world foundation was looking for a poster child, dude i'd be the one. and if they needed references, just as my momma, pooppa, lil bro, old sis, my plant, the bathroom mirror, my teddy bear and the doorman across the street. pretty much if you are a living or breathing being in this world, youve probably heard my
b!tch-ings of being a middle child.

middle children of the world unite!

salvatore ferragamo "plump" teddy bear cuff links

the fact that these are ferragamo teddy bear cuff links makes it waay legit for a man to wear these. you cant f*ck with ferragamo. they're just way too fierce. i mean they can make cuff links in the shape of a turd and they would still be hot.

ps: great gift idea for father's day. and if your dad is pretty plump in shape, then you can be like, "daddy, i give you these cause they remind me of your wonderful voluptuous figure and i mean that in an endearing way. now gimme a hug."

Thursday, June 11, 2009

bath & body works "i aint no" wallfowers

these things are great. kinda remind me of that infommercial for the ron popeil showtime rotisserie, "you set it and forget it." that last part is the story of my life. my memory has as many holes as elizabeth taylor had husbands. (insert "oooh" comment here.)

so in my forgetful haze, candles apparently arent the bestest modes of fragrant-ing my humble abode. because in addition to risk burning down my sh!t [clothes, shoes and bags (oh my) which honestly are worth more to me than life itself. ] i'd be f*ckin about 20 other people's sh!t up if i set the apartment complex ablaze.

oye vey. ok. enough talking about setting sh!t on fire. makes me nervous. happy thoughts. happy thoughts.

ooh. happy hour starts in t minus 2 hours. thats happy enough for me.

happy happy joy joy. happy happy joy joy. wee!

gosh, i literally my happiness factor has increased 3 fold just thinking of the baar.

click for more info: bath & body works wallflowers

justin racz 50 jobs worse than "mine" yours

i shouldnt even be b!tching. lucky to even have a job while the economy pms's, let alone my [in]sanity. but this book is funny as sh!t and i guess it gives you a slightly better appreciation for the job you have. well unless one these 50 jobs are yours, then for f*ck sake, quit.

honestly i myself, didnt buy this book. my boss in cleaning out his office dumped this [pulitzer prize] piece of literature on the desk next to me. so when people cut the rug rounding the corner to pass my desk, they stop, see book, read and giggle. then ask, is this yours? and i say. no. i love my job.

my nose just grew and inch.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

dolce & gabanna satin corset "l.b.d." dress

the other day, i was wearing a black diane von furstenberg [yes, im that fierce] dress. a co-worker comes up to me and says, "ooh you got a little l.b.d. on!" i looked at her like she had a zit the size of mount krakatoa on her nose and replied, "huh?" she clarified, "little black dress."

ok, ya'll know what a clothing whore i am, but honestly that is the first time ive heard the abbreviated term l.b.d.

so ther other other day, me and the old sis get our shoppin on after gettin our sun on at the beach. as we walk into bloomies [with particles of sand stuck in crevices you had no idea existed] we approach the dress section. so old sis drops the l.b.d. term, im like, "i know what l.b.j. means!" like all smart. old sis looks at me like i have a mole the size of a giant fudge cookie on my face, and says, "l.b.j?" i scratch my head [as some sand shakes off] and realize, "oh, not lyndon baines johnson, i meant little black dress." durr.

im partially gonna blame that acid brain fart on being like severly hungover + 2 hour exposure to uv sun rays = fried [chicken] brain.

ps: if youre gonna get a l.b.d. youre gonna buy d.g. dolce & gabanna. cant get more classic than that.

pps: also a pretty solid fashion rule ive shat out of my head today (w/the helping of wording it out by my bud derirah, since im usually verbally challenged):

"anything in black wont go out of style unless its made of velvet or suede."

true dat.

t-bags beaded "twisted" sleeveless top

you know. there's just a certain amount of $ i would spend on a top. because seriously some of them cost just as much as a dress. my [twisted] reasoning is, if you can get an article of clothing that has a bit more fabric for the same price, then the one with less fabric yard-age aint worth it. get it?

another [twisted] reasoning thing of note. i avoid at all costs (especially in the summertime) buying/wearing clothes that contain more than 1 piece. when i awake at 6:30am every morning, its a gosh dang miracle im functioning well enough to brush my grill, let alone make the executive decision in matching a top and bottom.

with that all said. i still may buy this beaded pile of wonder. i mean, one more [twisted] voice of reasoning note: in my [in]frequent voyages to miami, this top can act the role of a dress. i mean there are slutty hoochies prowling the streets of south beach with sh!t shorter than this. for real. yo.

click for more info: t-bags beaded sleeveless top

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

apple iphone "sh!tty timing" 3gs

f*ckin sh!t. talk about crappy poo poo [fecal matter] timing. im that f*ckin pissed. so my stoopid crackberry decides to sh!t the bed march 28, 2009. well maybe i forced the issue being a sh!tty owner and slingin/bangin the poor guy around, but hey he started it. the ex-crackberry decided to erase all my emails and text messages whenever it dang pleased. i mean c'mon you'd be po'd [pissed off] too.

so since the f*ckers at verizon decide to be jack-offs and have me pay $50 beans for a replacement (even tho i had "insurance") i told them to go f*ck themselves and jumped ship to at&t ["your world delivered"] and plunk $200 beans on an iphone.

however as [sh!t] luck would have it, a mere two months later, apple announces the new iphone 3gs. my head literally exploded when i found out. like are you sh!tting me? oh and to make matters even sh!ttier, the current iphone i have now costs 50% less. just for that, im not even writing about the new features on this 3gs iphone. im too pissed on how much cooler it is than my current one.

ps: another example on how i have the sh!ttiest timing in the gosh dang solar system. my powerbook g4 decides he wants to sh!t the bed september 2007. so i buy new macbook pro immediately . a month later the new macbook pro comes out with new leopard software. which means im asked out and have to pay for the upgrade because my stoopid powerbook couldnt wait a month to die. like jeebus christ. im soo f*ckin sh!t out of luck.

oh it doesnt end there. so the powerbook after dying (i mean i literally almost dug a hole and began to bury it) decides, hi. i want to start working again like nothing happened. i mean who does he think he is? a soap opera star where they bring people back to life from the dead? so now im stuck with two laptops. guess on the brightside, that kinda makes me a baller with 2 computer. wha whaaat.

pps: guess, in conclusion, i think karma is whippin me in the @ss. its telling me quit being an angry salty b!tch and be kind [and re-wind] to your fellow humans. i'll try. but cant guarantee i'll get an "a" for effort.

click for more info: apple iphone 3gs

Monday, June 8, 2009

hammacher schlemmer underwater "boing" pogo stick

at least you wont have to worry about cracking your head open or wounding your knee when boing-ing around with this thing in your pool. the only injury i can think of is maybe drowning cause you're having waaay too much fun bouncin away, you forget that hi, im not a fish and i cannot breathe underwater.

then again, guess drowning wouldnt be considered an "injury." or lets put it this way. its like a permanent injury.

click for more info: hammacher schlemmer underwater pogo stick

anthropologie "squeeze me" strawberry citrus reamer

happy f*kin monday.

i was dreading going to bed last night, knowing when i woke up, it would be monday. as garfield would say, "i hate mondays." touche garfield. touche.

usually on mondays i feel like shoving a reamer (such as this) in my head and squeezing the daylights out of it. i mean, that painful. i must say tho, the brain matter that oozes out after a good ole monday reamin probably wouldnt taste half bad. 1st of all not so pulp-y and 2nd you'll prob acquire a slight buzz due to the usual weekend long alcoholic binge fest. well actually you'll get a good jolt too, since i drank about a gallon of red bull vodkas on saturday alone.

Friday, June 5, 2009

louis vuitton "wish list" manhattan pm

you know when people ask you "what do you want for your birthday?" and you respond [humble-ingly] "i dont need anything. you dont have to get me anything"

ok so this year im making up for all those times ive responded sooo un-selfishly. im dead serious. like i dont care if this is the only thing i get this year. i mean all my friends and family in my universe can all get together and chip in for this one dang thing cause this is all that i want. well besides the mets winning the world series this year.

a girl can dream. dream big.

click for more info: louis vuitton manhattan pm

old navy tiered maxi "boob" tube dress

its inevitable, every summer i rock a zexy wife-beater farmer tan, thanks to hours cooking under the sun as i play softball. honestly these days i dont give a f*ck trying to hide it. im proud to show off the tan lines with tube tops/dresses especially on those days when i feel trashy.

ok the above comment maybe not so true in wanting to feel trashy. but any excuse in buying new clothings is fine for me.

ps: saw this dress on an asian chick who was not chest-ically endowed and it looked real pertty on her. so hey, perfecto for me.

pps: speaking of feeling old (aformentioned in previous post). i remember back in the day in junior high when old navy first opened up. god. its like saying hey i was alive when levis and strauss first started banging out denim. old...

old navy, old navy, old navy performance fleece
(sorry. that dang jingle just pooped into my head.)

click for more info: old navy tiered maxi tube dress

wilson tour 90" tennis "elbow" racket

yesterday i attempted to be like roger federer and spank some tennis balls around the courts of roosevelt island. here are my observations:

(a) my forehand looked absolutely nothing like roger's
(b) after hitting about 10 balls over the fence, realized you dont score points like you do in that sport called baseball
(c) used my ballgirl skillz to the fullest chasing down balls and throwing back to the players on the adjacent court
(d) i now have a nagging pain in my elbow. either its a carryover from my bicep "injury" playing darts for 2 hours [drunk] or ive acquired the dreaded "tennis elbow"

so in conclusion to the points above:

(a) need more consistent practice. dont think once every 2 years is gonna cut it
(b) stop "juicing" before any sporting activity. i feel like amazon woman everytime i crank balls over any sorta fences playing any sorta sports. thats not very lady-like...
(c) after 12 year layoff from ball-girling the 1997 us open, realized i still got it. was chasin' balls down quicker than a squirrel hoarding acorns.
(d) pretty much im getting old. after the age of 25, they're not called injuries anymore. its called the aches and pains of being an athlete for your whole life and your body telling you to go f*ck yourself.

ps: i dont think acquiring the above racquet will improve my tennis game. well maybe slightly, but not tremendously. however, it'll put me closer to channeling federer, since this is the racquet of choice for him. that or i can always use it to wack around fat fruit flies or flying cocka-roaches in my apartment during the summer time.

click for more info: wilson tour 90" racket

thoi vo fade to "black" blue bracelet

here i go again worshipping this lady who makes pertty jewelry. well also that, and this bracelet kinda reminds me of the weather here in nyc today. blue and rainy. blaah.

as an art-teest, these gemstone briolettes [check me out with the jewelry vocab] are reminiscent of the dewy water raindrops falling from the dreary cloudy skies up above.

ok, i said i was an art-teest, not some thespian. but not bad for someone who graduated college 3 credits short of an english and textual studies minor degree. whatever, that last english class senior year needed to be dropped like a bad rabbit (ok habit. my lame attempt in being funny today).

i mean it totally clashed with the 5:00pm start of happy hour on tuesdays. i mean social networking in college is waaay more important than some lousy english minor. look at me now. im a god dang pro at schmoozin' and crusin' the bars of nyc. my reception at the bar is like me goin to bloomingdales. all the sales ladies know/love me and all the bartenders wanna/love to get me drunk.

ps: that reference to metallica's song "fade to black" purely my lame attempt in writing a depressing post. apparently the caffeine from my midol + ice coffee kicked in mid-post and i miraculously became very chipper. me chipper on rainy day? usually only crack can cure the rainy blues...

click for more info: thoi vo fade to blue bracelet

Thursday, June 4, 2009

thoi vo rainbow "authentic" falls necklace

i love this woman. she makes jewelry like i make cocktails. simply the best. dude. for your nay-sayers - i have my bartender's license, so i am a bona-fide certified mixologist. now thats credentials.

and for those of yous that dont know i actually have a talent for making jewelry. no joke. not only can i house a car bombs in under 10 seconds, i can produce nice lookin pieces of jewelry. however, i am a lazy fuck and rather shell out $300 bucks for this necklace rather sit on my stoopid @ss and spend a couple hours banging out something similar.

butt put is this way. i would rather spend the massive dough on an authentic louis vuitton, than buy a fake one from one of those rickshaws in chinatown. yea, those dang nay-sayers say, "so what. no one will no the difference." but listen, im a materialistic b!tch, and so it bothers me.

click for more info: thoi vo rainbow falls necklace

cheetos giant "cheesey poofs" puffs

no, not dead yet. may was just a despicable month for me posting wise. i think i was pms-ing for that whole month, so blame it on female hormones.

during one of my trips to the corner bodega to get my daily fix on junk food snacks [like the crap that makes you sterile], i see this gi-normous bag of cheetos. i mean, i had to take a close examination cause you never know, shit like this could be made by some weird @ss imitation company like prito lays. but no, its legit. which as a result, just made my life a bit sunnier than usual.

i usually go the sissy route and get the "healthier" version of cheetos called tings but after seeing these suckers, i may crumble and buy couple bags of these guys, park myself in front of a tv and watch reality shows all day as i swallow these cheesey poofs.

might as well tattoo my fingers orange cause after this cheese puff eating marathon, wont be able to rub that sh!t off my digits. or unless i use some hardcore cleaning chemical. bleach pleeeease.

oh wait. no bleach please. it'll turn me fingers white, which will leave me a horrible "farmer tan" on my hand. ahh.

click for more info: cheetos giant puffs