Thursday, April 30, 2009

samsung spf-85v "on/off" wireless digital photo frame

so this is what mom is getting for mother's day. pretty sweet, eh? and no, im not getting a samsung one cause its made by my peoples (the koreans) its got some neat-o features besides flashing pictures of us bratty kids and big poppa (aka "dad" or aka "the atm machine").

the wireless option and auto on/off features are just a couple of schnazzy things this guy does. i can go further with the extra features but im too lazy to keep reading on the specs so look it up yourself if youre really that interested.

ps: i bet my mom wishes she had the auto on/off feature when raising us yahoo kids. this so she can turn us on or off whenever she pleases throughout any given day. thinking back what pains-in-the-@sses we all were, sh!t wouldve been permanently off.

pps: hope mom doesnt read my blog. if so, oh well. happy early momma's day madre. in addition to finding about your pressy present, you have now learned what an angry alcoholic b!tchy former pot-smokin/druggie daughter you have (please note the "former" part).

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

soia & kyo "box office smash" talia jacket

i walk into bloomingdales for the sole purpose of buying my friend a birthday gift. fine, mission accomplished. done. i bought her [a little] something. but of course what does this moron [me] do?

bright idea: oh, lemme go check out the new soia & kyo jackets up on the 5th floor.
answer: should be no. but the body went anyway.

with my 20% friends & family coupon in tow, i wonder, maybe theyre on sale? i get to the rack, no theyre not.

bright idea: oh, i still can get 20% off the regular price.
answer: should be no. but heck i get 20% off anything, whats the harm finding one i may like.

fine. it wont hurt to try one on. i mean they have my size and the jacket is cute.

bright idea: try it on and see if i like it in case i find it on sale online.
answer: should be no. but the jacket jumps up and [bites] puts itself on me.

of course its the last one (well i never confirmed it with an official bloomies employee). but according to the rack it was.

bright idea: buy it anyways, you get 20% off and you can always return it since its the last one.
answer: should be no dumb@ass, since you never ever return anything. but my black bloomies card escapes from my wallet and swipes itself on the credit card machine.

get home and try on the jacket on again. then open my overfilled [pregnant] closet and see my 10 other spring jackets.

bright idea: well i only have 1 rain jacket and oh wait, i dont have a grey spring jacket.
answer: should be no listen, you dont need another gosh dang jacket. you dont even have a spare hanger for this new coat. return it. but the price tag snags off on its own and i happens to land on the trash. oopsey.

you have just witnessed a play-by-play account on the inside [twisted] mind of a shopaholic. based in a true story [that actually happened last friday]. in theaters when i find some big wig movie honcho to fund my screenplay and turn this sad saga into a box office smash.

click for more info: soia & kyo talia

Friday, April 24, 2009

leifsdottir sylvan scene "i win" cardigan

speaking of stalking. i was stalking this cardigan ever since i saw it in the anthropologie catalog. its been like 3 months and thought, hot dang, i was losing my touch, since (a) havent been able to find this sweater on sale (b) on sale and in my size (c) cant find even on eBay! wtf?

ever the professional shopper, thought i'd give it another shot and google this laddie one last time. while watching my 3rd sex and the city episode in 1 1/2 hours at 12:30am EDT, low and behold i find it available on in my size and on sale. woot woot! so i feverishly add it to my cart and do the most lighting quick checkout before any other [b!tch] snags it before i do [confession: i shop there soo much, they have all my info stored]. after getting the order confirmation, i know im golden. its mine. weee!

well just to be an @sshole, i go back to the site to see if i got the last one. and yes, the cardigan is now no longer in stock. i win! suck it, all you slow @ss checkout scrubs.

this whole [euphoric] ordeal finding the cardigan on sale, purchasing it and getting the last one took a toll [physically and cranium-ly]. apparently i passed out [no, i wasnt drunk. fools.] and maybe around 8:00pm EDT later that day, i get an email confirming shipment of my order. huh? what order?

sh!t i had totally forgot i ordered the bloody cardigan. jesus. i work miracles even in my "sleep" or as i would diagnose it, "shopping daze."

ps: for you suckas trying the link below, the sweater is still sold out.

pps: i just got cardigan today. its sitting here next to me at work. we're about go for [liquid] lunch today. cardigan is dang lucky to have such a awesome @ss owner like me. twittle-ee-dee. so happy.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

zynga scramble "i [didnt] win" iphone app

im approaching my 100th blog entry and apple is nearing its 1,000,000,000,000th (currently at 998,573,223 and counting...) iphone app download. two monumentous achievements, but seriously who gives a big whoop.

however, i have to say tho. with my most recent purchase of an iphone, i have contributed to this pop culture hoop-la and is now determined to be the 1,000,000,000th customer. to date, the bestest app ive downloaded is the game scramble. its pretty much a word game that shows either how well you listened in english class or if you were the delinquent sitting in the back of the class snoozing away [while drooling].

btw, the chances of me being the 1,000,000,000th downloader are about next to nil. i never win anything. i'll probably be the 999,999,999th loser. [wha, whaaa]. the only thing ive really ever won is a free 3 hour open bar happy hour. which i guess to a raging alcoholic [lunatic] like me, its like winning the iowa state lottery. ya-hoo.

click for more info: zynga scramble iphone app

urban outfitters "memorabilia" solid wood stapler

i dunno why anyone would buy a stapler for personal use [at home]. all the staplers i own [owned] have all been stolen properties of my current [or former] job. kinda like mementoes of my employment past. my mom collects spoons from each city/country she [or people she knows] visits. i collect [well pilfer] office supplies from my job travels.

dont judge me please. y'all have stolen a thing or two from your place of work. c'mon. like that binder clip you used to hold together the hem of your pants, or that post-it you jotted that oogly receptionist's digits and stuck to the back of your blackberry for future "use". [well actually, if she was worthy of a call back, b!tch wouldve been entered in your cell phone address book. guess you "mysteriously" lost the post-it.] anyways, these are all examples of thievery. which warrants termination (and incarcertation for petty larceny).

gotta say tho. me blogging now on work "time" are also grounds of me getting fired. oh well. the next blog will be written immediately following the completion of this one.

see, i like to live dangerously.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

soia & kyo "the matrix" ami jacket

im currently on a conference call. i dont feel like listening. so im blogging. see how much i care about my job?

soia & kyo makes some funky clothes. and i am the proud owner of one of their jackets (purchased at bloomingdales, of course). you feel like a funky dunky space chick when wearing one of their pieces. i'll tell ya, i felt like trinity from the matrix with my black soia & kyo trench jacket yesterday. except the fact that i dont possess the same @ss kicking skillz. my weapon of giving a beatdown is my trucker/sailor potty mouth. screw sticks and stones may break my bones. cause words will hurt, especially with my cussing verbage abilities.

nanny nanny poo poo.

click for more info: soia & kyo ami jacket

sabon body "im a" scrub

i was first introduced to this company sabon by my lovely friend tasha. since then ive been obsessed with their body scrub (yes, i take showers. even tho i still think showering is over-rated). the salt is from the dead sea, so automatically this scrub sh!t is legit. apparently taking a dip in the dead sea cures psoriasis (some dry skin disorder) and other bodily ailments. i mean you can dip a box of raisins in the dead sea, and when you pull em out, you got yourself a vineyard full of grapes. har har. that was funny...

caution: if you have the most minute paper cut or scraped your knee playing football or falling on the streets of nyc (because you've had one too many cocktails), do not use this. because it f*cking hurts. talk about [sc]rubbing some salt to a wound.

btw: in honor of earth day (which i did not know is today), you get a free rose bath salt with a purchase of $50 or more. for which, i have no use. i dont even have a bath tub, let alone a bedroom in my tiny studio. im lucky my apartment came with a toilet, cause if not, i'd be runnin to starbucks everytime i gotta go #1, #2...

t.m.i. - too much info. whatever, we're all friends.

click for more info: sabon body scrub

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

jes maharry calm "oohm" ring

ive been stalking this ring for a while. i want it, so everytime i need to slow down in life or bite my tongue cussing out morons, i can look down on my finger as a reminder that to stay zen. oohmm.

just hope the green doesnt change color when i get enraged or anxious. cause then i'd be shelling out $990 for a dang mood ring. ive already got one from those [rip-off] $0.25 machines, and it works just fine. its been red for like 9 years. which is about how long ive been in a sh!tty mood.

click for more info: jes maharry calm ring

junk food this is my "all men are created" lazy shirt tee

ok. in between the time i found this shirt on until now i've yawned like 67 times. i dont know if you know, but yawning is contagious [like an std]. why? i have no idea. i attempted to google the answer and found an article, but i lost all concentration after the 1st sentence. also because:

(a) i dont care.
(b) too much scientific mumba jumba to interpret.
(c) i hit the "x" on the top right hand corner of the window and x-ed out of the screen by accident. oops.
(d) too lazy to go back and find the site.
(e) so go do your own scientfic research.

ps: fitting, this is a men's tee. cause all men are born sloths. and im not talking the animal. but ive definitely met a sh!t ton of men that have a slight resemblance to this swarthy [wannable] marsupial. good thing bars are dim. or maybe not a good thing. depends how thick the beer goggles are, on a given night...

banner supply co chicago cubs "we'll get em next year..." hood sweater

im really feelin this whole retro sportswear apparel thats being produced these days. because honestly, the logos and uniforms designed nowadays (ie: baltimore ravens, denver nuggets, new york yankees [cheapshot, and i dont care.] and tampa bay devil rays are just pure oogly. i mean who the f*ck designs these uniforms anyways? a blind beaver?

side note: the washington nationals mustve borrowed bucky the blind beaver to make their uni's this past weekend, cause that genius rodent spelled the team name "natinals" across the chest of every single player. to add insult to injury, the "natinals" have started their pathetic season 2 - 10, which to be perfectly honest i can relate. dude im a mets fan. not only have we not won a world series since 1986, but a few choice seasons since then have been truly, truly, truly suicidal-ly heartbreaking. i wont re-live those memories [nightmares] because i seriously may start bawling at my work desk like a toddler teething.

and if you dont believe me [screw you] here's the article:

however. this i may say, being a met fan is waaay less depressing [slightly] than being a cubbies fan. after the sox broke their curse and won [several] world series, the cubbies are now the sole "i feel sorry for your team" [w/a slight tilt of head] year after year. there's always next year, unless global warming gets us this year. then we're all f*cked...

go green!

Monday, April 20, 2009

hello kitty "schizo" zodiac necklaces

as life would have it, being born on june 21st qualifies me to sit right smack in the middle on the cusp of two zodiac signs [gemini & cancer]. even better, gemini is a twin sign - so that means im a two-faced and [schizo] indecisive personality. throw in the [charming] traits of a cancer, and youve got a seriously f*cked up [but fun to be around] homa-sapien. adding more petroleum to the bonfire, june 21st also happens to be the summer solstice. which, i have no friggin clue how this effects one's personality, but sh!t it doesnt hurt to assume it does.

oh and also how life would have it. the gemini herro kitty is the most expensive [well along with pisces, but that sign doesnt count] of the 12. so in addition to dropping $980 on gemini, i need to plunk down another $750 for the crabby cancer kitty.

oh and also how life would have it [yet again]. gemini and cancer are sold out on neiman marcus online. well, since im supposed to be multi-faceted (personality-wise) i can sure as hell skillfully pretend to posses the traits of a sagitarian, since that seems to be in stock. supposedly those half equine people have borderline nut-so tendencies, so it wouldnt be a far stretch for yours truly.

oooooh and also how life would have it [one last time. promise]. father's day 2009 is also on my birthdate. just my luck. i'll be getting silk ties, boxer shorts and tube socks for my birthday. yipee.

click for more info: hello kitty zodiac necklaces

Friday, April 17, 2009

a sunny t.g.i.f...weee!

so as the clock [slowly] nears 5:00pm EDT, i look forward to blowin' this hot dog stand and schmoozin' and boozin' it up tonight.

peace out b!tches.

update: the yankees won. derek jeter needs to go sh!t himself for hitting the game winning homer. phooey.

anthropologie year of the "the shaft" necklace

f*ck, the yankees just tied it up. i hate you texeira.
you big log.

so im really happy i got borned on the year of the monkey. and btw, my necklace is the perttiest out of all of these [sticking tongue out]. i think its the bestest chinese [food] zodiac sign. i feel bad for you year of the ox people, talk about getting the shaft. like that sucks. i wouldnt even disclose to people if i were an ox. also think about it. people usually tattoo this sh!t on their bods, imagine if you had to tattoo an ox (out of all aminals) to your ravishing ric rude bod?

however. as karma can [and always] bites me in the @ss, my parents probably really found me in a cardboard box (under the brooklyn bridge) and lied to me about my age. they probably just rounded it off. for all i know, i could be like 5 years younger, and low and behold that happens to be the year of the ox.
just my luck.

banana republic "sheesh" cocoon blouse

apparently banana republic now has a shee shee line called the br monogram collection. i mean nothing against banana-rama-lama-ding-dong (cause i usually loves em), but if im gonna spend $200 on a blouse, im not buying it at banana republic. then again, im a moron for even buying a blouse for $200, however ive done stoopid-er things (trust me). apparently though i assume [@ss-out-of-u-and-me] too much. because this b!tch is sold out. like out of stock. what? they make em so exclusive, only like 6 are made at a time?

f*ck, the yanks just hit a homer. dang you robinson cano....

well if you're brave enough to wanna purch-@ss any of these lovely items on, til april 19th, you get 20% off your purch-@ss of $100 or more. just enter some silly promo code at checkout. but of course, restrictions apply.

and if you're reading this after april 19th and missed out on this offer. too f*cking bad. you should be reading my blog everyday. sucka.

click for more info: banana republic cocoon blouse

anthropologie lemon "alias" initial necklace

sometimes i need to be reminded of my own name. no, seriously. my brain is fried [like a deep fried oreo] to a crisp [thank you college]. i think getting just my initials would be sufficient clues to my first and last name. i mean i could make it easier and get all 10 letters of my name, so it cuts down on the guessing game.

yes. yankees are losing. oh joy...
sorry for the interruption. nothing more in life makes me happier than seeing the dang yankees lose. especially to a sh!tty team.

update: so ix-nay getting the full name-age. realized if i give some loser at the bar my fake alias, [anastasia beaverhausen] he maybe smart enough to realize that that is really not my name judging by the 10 letters dangling from my neck. honestly tho, judging by the douche-baggy population of men in nyc, i actually maybe able to get away with it. i mean you're lucky to meet a guy in nyc that even has the ability to read, let alone spell.

ps: good thing the necklaces dont come in numbers. cause i sure as hell give out the wrong phone number plenty of times.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

audi "nothing's free" q5

so this is my like my 7th time attempting to post on this automobile. everytime i start something, i start to brain queef, and have to trash my pathetic attempt of a post.

maybe im so awed by the gosh dang beauty that is this vehicle. no words i can think of to toot out of my brain and onto my keyboard to explain what a f*cking hot mamma this car is. leave it up to me, to want an opulant [and foreign] gas guzzling car. why couldnt i fall in love with a dodge neon or something midget-y like a mini coop? story of my life.

i dont know why im even looking at cars. its like b!tch that metrocard thats burning a hole in your marc by marc jacobs wallet [uh yea, @ $81 a pop per month] is about all the transportation your [i-need-to-live-in-manhattan] poor @ss will and [barely] can afford. by next month, the only thing i can squeeze out of my monthy [laughable] "budget" is a bike bell (not even the bike itself). so i can use it to warn slow @ss pedestrians to [move b!tch] get out of the way, since walking is about the only mode of transit that doesnt cost any money. at least that's free...

click for more info: audi q5

Monday, April 13, 2009

skinny cow mint ice cream "sub" sandwiches

im not a complete health nut. trust me. i mostly try to eat heathly to balance out the massive quantities of alcohol and caffeine (and whatever toxins) i consume [some thru osmosis] throughout any given week. if this wasnt the case, i'd end up like that fool from the documentary "supersize me." or even worse, on the brink of a massive coronary due to a daily diet of mcdonald's (yum), wendy's (yummers), taco bell (yo quiero!), and chinese food (#9 lunch special w/french fries and pork flyed lice w/wonton soup. mmm...) oh wait. dont forget the egg roww.

so in my consorted efforts to keep my body from beating the f*ck out of me [or hitting the self-destruct button], i appease it with delicious health treats such as these skinny cow ice cream sandwiches. honestly i wouldve preferred them to be the size of a 50 foot long hero sub (and still be the same caloric value) but i wont complain.
5....5....5 dollar footloooong.

sorry mental spasm.

andy riley "easter" bunny suicides books

i refrained from posting on this material until after the holiday weekend. this to spare the die hard easter bunny devotees the realities of leading such a life of celebrity. after all the hoop-la and hype leading up to such a pastel rich holiday, come monday all is forgotten about easter. all the easter candy goes on sale, painted easter eggs are thrown out (or used as weapons on un-suspecting motorists), ears of chocolate easter bunnies savagely bitten off and countless easter bunny dollies are shoved in the attic (or donated to the salvation army).

can you imagine the mental trauma the easter bunny suffers, feeling all abandoned and relegated to z-list celebrity status after reaching american idol-like popularity just yesterday? poor wabbit. little dude needs some therapy for post-traumatic easter syndrome. and yes, this headcase [me] is diagonsing a new mental disorder.

however, sucess rate in treating such patients is fairly low due to the inability of verbal communication and the sheer amount of rejection felt by these furballs. riveting illustrations of cases where therapy has failed are chronicled in andy riley's bunny suicides books where these wabbits meet their demise. gotta tell ya, for such quiet creatures, they really know how to go out with a bang...

at least wabbits are known to pro-create pretty quickly (and often). so no worries you easter bunny freaks, they'll be no shortage of bunnies for easter 2010.

click for more info: andy riley bunny suicides books

Friday, April 10, 2009

orla kiely pear "cheery" tumbler set

if you havent noticed. the trend today is "cheery" yay. might as well make it the secret word today. so kiddies, if you hear me say "cheery" you have to yell, ahhhhhh! then do your most outrageous and [soulful] pee wee laugh.

why so cheery? [ahhhh! heeh heeh] the fact that im sitting at work on a holiday where most normal human beings have off and the post office lost my package and im stoned cold sober and the plastic knife i was using to harm myself in order to leave work early broke, im resigned to make the most out of my [good] friday and spread love and cheer (not quite the word cheery. sh!t. ahhhh! heeh heeh) throughout the world.

all sh!t by orla kiely is so gosh dang happy looking. if i die and get reincarnated, i would love to come back as these deelightful pear tumblers or if its not askin too much a fruit. either way, you are loved by all people. tumbler, cause it holds your most favorite [alcoholic] beverages. fruit, cause you can eat me, and not get fat. then again as fruit, if you eat me, i'll be dead and as tumbler, you drop me i'll be dead. hmm. think, we'll need to re-think my reincarnation wishes.

please hold...

click for more info: orla kiely pear tumbler set

free people dreamcatchers "gimme sunshine" dress

so with the sh!tty weather here on the east coast this week (im comin to beat the f*ck out of your mr. groundhog with my 5-iron.) im trying to look at the brighter side of things for a change. brighter, meaning literally warmer. so in my overly optimistic mind, i figure doin the [dull] winter clothes to my [cheery] summer clothes closet swap will "will" the weather gods [al roker and sam champion] into blessing the island of manhattan with some george-ous weather.

listen. its good friday today. i only dropped the "f" bomb like 67 times today. thats way below my daily average and its already 10:59 am EDT. correction. 68 times. realized i used that cuss word on the paragraphy above. i should be rewarded with some sunshine. pertty pleeeease? i mean, c'mon im not even askin for a doggy treat.

speakin of sunshine, this dress just reaks summer. i almost forgot how it feels to be warm and wear next to no clothing since ive been wearing my bearskin rug all winter. this thanks to my lovely apartment building with the sh!ttiest boiler and me sleepin in my ice cube of a bed with a scarf slung (is that a word?) around my neck and still freezing my hiney off. oh [woh is me] the self pity.

click for more info: free people dreamcatchers dress

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

design your "top secret" beaver magnetic drawing toy

im keepin this short. writing this post is more covert than any highly classified mission the airforce can run. ice man (to maverick): you! are still dangerous. (sorry i had to eek in a top gun reference).

ive shrunken my window to about 3" x 3" to avoid the sheer embarassment of the dude sitting behind me wondering wtf is a va-jay-jay doin on this warped chick's computer screen? then again, judging by the total aura of douche-ness this guy exudes, he's probably never seen a vaj in his life.

oh snap.

accoutrements mr. bacon vs monsieur tofu "fight!" action figures

dude. i'd shell out the dough to watch this tyson/holyfield-esqe food fight on pay-per-view anyday. you got the evil artery cloggin mr. bacon in the red corner, and the coagulated soymilk frenchman in the blue corner. oui oui, we got ourselves a heavyweight protein fight. *ding! ding!*

according to the tale of the tape, baco's got the edge standing at a "lean" 5 5/8" tall, as opposed to toofu's 3 3/8" boxy stature. my bet's on francois. if you come from a country that eats sh!t [literally] such as snails, brains and camel's feet, dude thats hands down waay more hardcore than whatever the f*ck is in bacon.

ps: cant beat that bad-ass handle-bar 'stache. makes hulk hogan's trailer trash stache look girly man.

red envelope "what the hell you eatin'?" eggling

so i hate eggs. im psycho-logically allergic to them. i mean repulsed by the smell, taste and texture. im already gagging at the thought (and smell) of scrambled eggs [barf]. good thing my computer isnt a smell-o-puter. seriously. i dont see the appeal of eating chicken larvae, but hey, i guess if someone like rocky enjoys wolfing them down raw [yo adrienne] there must be some bodily benefit to them.

anywho. eggs (the shape) themselves are cute little creatures. with easter 'round the corner, you cant walk into a cvs or duane reade without running into a display that looks like easter up-chucked on it. so instead of giving your little easter-ling a [boring] painted egg that eventually rot and stink, [gag] how 'bout this darlin' eggling garden? btw, they dont come grown [dur]. you sprinkle some seeds into the lil egg-noggy thingie, and holy jumpin jack-in-the-beanstalk, you got yourself a mini garden of eden. (well give or take a month or two. im not a green thumb you know?)

it also beats giving your darlin' easter-ling one of those gross cadbury eggs. who actually eats those anyways? its like licorice and purple jellybeans. no one in their right mind or possessing any sort of taste buddies would eat that sh!t. i dont understand why they havent been discontinued from the candy-land world. i also dont understand why it snows in nyc during april. wtf? humpf.

click for more info: red envelope eggling

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

christen haden creepy cute "pa-tooties" crochet

so im back from my brief hiatus of a commerical break. ok, truth. i was carted off to the looney bin, where i was given electric shock therapy to cure my fondess of kooky weird sh!t.

apparently it didnt work since i found this book that makes creepy dollies out of crochet. zombies, ninjas, robots, oh my! cuuuuuute. since i dont have the agility (and patience) to sit and crochet these creepy lil critters, i would have to send off the blueprints to a manufacturing giant such as china to pump out a gazillion of these guys so i can build a village of creepy cuties. watch out smurfs. these guys [gargamel] are comin to take over your smurf village and mushroom houses. muah-haha.

note: after this post, i think humans will shy away from be-friending me [wah], seeing what a nutjob i appear to be, after writing about the takeover of smurf village by my [friends] the creepy cutie pa-tooties. and clearly my existing friends have already abadoned ship. so all i will have as buddies [confidants] will be these creepy dudes.

yo, i'll take out smurfette, if thats what i takes to be considered as one of the creepies. i accept all sorts of hazing.

alessi lilliput "twin" salt & pepper set

i swear. last post on these alessi guys. i went a little nutty psycho on the website today. cant help myself. i love weird and kooky sh!t.

so its the asian version of the olsen twins. ahahahahahaha. god. i think ive really lost it.

we (my entourage: me, myself and i) will take an intermission. should be back after these messages...

alessi spiritsona "need a bra?" stopper

speaking of putting sh!t to shame. this thing absolutely put my [fig shaped] mosquito bites into the tig-ol-bitties hall of shame. seriously, holy headlights. its got [water]melons bigger than pamela anderson kid rock lee's.

so in addition to keeping your un-dranken wine fresh, you get to cop a feel on some luscious gozangas. 1st of all, im sorry. not to sound like a [admitted] alcoholic, but who the hell saves wine? any [every] time i uncork that sucker, its guaranteed to be fully drank by yours truly (with some help, of course...)

ps: this "thing" comes in white, but i thought it looked waaaaaay more offensive in red. plus, it kinda looks like pamela rock anderson denise kid lee in her teeny bitty red baywatch bikini (with her jugs bobbing up and down while running up the malibu beach coastline.)

[cue music] baywatch theme song...

pps: a co-worker of mine pointed out the "pointy" appendage "sticking" out of this corker. listen, this thing looks freaky enough. i'll just keep my [perverse] comments to my dang self. corker has suffered enough...

breast synonmyn word count: 7

click for more info: alessi spiritsona stopper

alessi frank gehry "musical" pito kettle

apparently this is like the bentley version of yo momma's annoying whistler of a kettle. in addition to its mahogany wood handle (shaped like fishies? i'll leave it up to the peanut gallery's interpretation) its got a "melodic" whistle tone. i mean i dunno how melodic a f*cking whistle on a kettle can be. however, thanks to the ingenius tea kettle design skillz of a mr. frank gehry, i wouldnt argue it. they guy designed the gugghenenheim (i cant spell) amongst other standing pieces of art. i cant even pitch a tent. frankie wins.

plus for $425.00, that dang whistle better sound like an 84 piece ochestra...

click for more info: alessi frank gehry pito kettle

alessi bunny & carrot "crack" kitchen roll holder

so the sh!t this alessi [italian] company makes puts all your dull and boring home accessories to super duper shame. the stuff they make looks like alice in wonderland on crack. i mean, how friggin cool? nothing's cooler than crack (contrary to ms. whitney houston's famed quote, "crack is wack." i gotta tell ya diva, it aint...)

you must be on some tripped out sh!t, thinking a carrot can be used as a paper towel holder with mr. bunny standing there as a bodyguard?

[cue music] and iiiiiii eee iiiii, will always love yooooou-hooo iiii, will alwaaays looove yooou...

sorry two references to ms. houston, cant help breaking out in song. whatever im asian. karaokee is in my blood...

Friday, April 3, 2009

massimo lunardon animal "bong" bombons

anytime i hear blown glass, i think back to my college days (not that long ago. im still a sprite springy [kung pao] chicken) when i used to take hits of 12 foot water pipes. ok, thats the scientific name of what we weed stoners call a bong. ok, fine. i cant categorize myself a stoner anymore since i quit that life of sin for a more simple quaker [oat] life as an amish in the state of pennsyltuckey.

april fools!

yes, i know its april 3rd. but listen, im an ex-stoner, we deserve some lee-way in life since we've singed most our brain cells away with every puff puff pass of the gangja. we live life on a time delay, so please be patient to your fellow hippie dippy stoner. it may give you some [weed] brownie points to heaven.

back to what i was writing about (see. already evidence of my brain = mush) these bon bons (or bombons) who the f*ck knows, are pretty trippy dippy. i mean ive never seen a more beautiful gerbil daisy than one stabbed on top of an octopus or something in the shape of fido.

btw: to digress. its a gosh dang miracle im even able to put a sentence together, let alone this blog after my stint in [party hardy] college. i bet you f*ckers dont believe im actually writing this blog. futhermore, you're picturing a chinchilla (behind a curtain) typing my thoughts in verbatim as i mumble aimlessly my views on life and shopping. whatever believe what you want.

click for more info: dog & cat bombons
click for more info: octopus & fish bombons

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

nike air max 95 "oh boy" summer launches

dude. seriously. im going bat sh!t right now. just found this post on three additional colorways being released this year for the air max 95:

-freshwater: launch date april 2009
-team orange: launch date june 2009
(*wink, wink* june 21st is my birthday...)
-new green & sport red: launch date somewhere in between those two

mother f*cker. i may need to rent out the apartment next door to me and convert it to a shoe closet the size of kim kardashian's @ss, cause i aint got no more room for my beloved kicks. ok, maybe kim & jlo's booties combined.

i got mad kicks yo...

update: so "team orange" really is safety orange. which means i already have this pair. so its technically a "re-launch." which, i dont give a f*ck, i accept duplicates, triplicates, octuplets, etc...

click for more info: nike air max 95 summer 2009

nike air "mafia" max +2009

this sh!t aint even out yet. talk about jumpin the gun. launch date is 4/4/2009. but thought id give my fellow sneaker nut [cult] followers a heads up on the new addition to the nike air max familia.

dont get me wrong, pales in comparison to the don of all air max's (the 95's, aka "the godfather"), but this guy is dope enough to get "made" into the nike sneaker-bino mafia family. watch out tony soprano.

click for more info: nike air max +2009

nike cooperstown brushback "swingin friar" hoody

ok, i forgot another thing i hoard [like a hamster] are hoodies. i think i got one in every color of the rainbow x 232. no joke.

since the ncaa tournament is dead to me [like a disowned child] ive moved on with life to brighter and greener pastures. baseball. yay. so in my "chipper" dipper spirit i bring you this dope hoody, brought to you by the folks at nike [loves 'em mucho. ]

from their cooperstown [retro] collection, it even has a noose inside the hood for your headphones. such witty and creative f*cks they are. and no, im not a san diego padre fan. just thought you rarely see swinging friars on the fronts of hoodies, this would be a doozie to show my bloggy blog audience. i mean its like a t-shirt with mother teresa going up for a dunk. pretty gosh dang rare.

oh and, you kinda look like a monk wearing this specific hoody (with hood up, of course.) just add: (1) little cesars hair cut [pizza, pizza], (2) some dopey flip flops and (3) piece of white twine for a belt. presto change-o. your 2009 halloween costume.


nike air max 95 "phresh" fresh water

i need to start looking straight or up to the sky [god] walking the streets of nyc. this to avoid seeing new kicks on people's dang feets. cause what happens when i looked down yesterday? (well i was side-stepping a glob of doggy poo. valid reason) some mofo rockin these hot @ss 95's.

besides collectiong a bizillion expired metrocards [dont ask] these puppies are about the only other thing i hoard. at current count, i think i have about 20 different colors. yes. im bragging, cause im the nike air max 95 queen b!tch.

oh yea, i also own the air max 95 in all red valentines day edition that were released circa 2000. phresh in its original box including all the paper and never laced or worn . ever. also, [tooting my own blow horn] as an ex-nike employee [and sneaker nut] ive also memorized the style # of this shoe: 609048 (072 is the original neon yellow colorway.) boo-yah.

ps: im probably gonna get screwed because these are of course adult mens sizes only. im gonna get f*cked and resort to buying the cheap kid size version and get jipped with the one stoopid air bubble on the back heel. what a kill joy...

pps: that or i need to inject steroids in my feet-sies so i can be of a man's shoe size. get me on the juice!
where's a-roid's bro?

click for more info: nike air max 95 fresh water