Thursday, February 26, 2009

jolt "dont tase me bro" power cola



falling asleep at desk. fallin aslep at des. falig alep a eskk...
someone get me one of these. or stick a taser up my bum.

click for more info: jolt power cola

jack prelutsky the "n.k.o.t.b.?" new kid on the block



no jack@sses, its not about the boy band. its a book of poetry thats on par with my remedial reading level (ages 5 - 9). apparently i missed the boat in joining the r.i.f. (reading is fundamental) program as a kid. hey, at least i know my abc's and to count from 1 - 10.

ok, maybe not. it gets a little hairy when i get to "l m n o p" section. *sigh*

andre jordan heaven knows im miserable now "really?"



since we're in a recession and i cant afford to pay for my generic cvs brand depression and anger management meds (kidding), ive resorted to reading "self help books". ok, so you probably wouldnt call it a "reading" as this book is 256 pages of this guy andre's doodles which channels depression and despair, but in a funny way. really? if i had known they gave publishing deals for sh!t like this, i wouldve saved my own childhood "doodling", cause sh!t that will most definitely show you some despair and anger (i am a middle child. nuff said).

ps: i said doodle. hee.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

swarovski radish "work of art" charm



if you ever want to sling a radish around your neck or (in my "artistic" interpretation) is an upside down, half exposed purple hershey kiss pooping out a leprechaun. happy pre-st. patty's day.

ps: i graduated with a bachelor in fine arts degree (yes, im educated). not only do i have the authority, but i also possess the expertise to artistically critique this thing. and yes, i do approve of this post.

click for more info: swarovski radish charm

swarovski erika & elvis super "captain planet" nature pendants




onto more "affordable" things. btw, since when did "swarovski" become synonymous (yes, big word, had to use the spell check) with cute little asian characters? guess after the olympics people saw how lucrative it was to be asian (or just to be made in china).

apparently if you put on this bejeweled pendant (necklace not included [c'mon] nothing's free these days) you can channel captain planet powers and turn yourself into a lean green recycling machine [psyche]. the chick's name is erika and her boyfriend is elvis (how cute. sold separately.)

click for more info: swarovski erika super nature
click for more info: swarovski elvis super nature

cartier "bling-age" collection délices necklace



so today ive decided to go global. why not start it out with a big bauble bang than with one muy expensive gem of a necklace from cartier (like no joke, abc news labeled it one of the "world's pricest jewelry.")

i have absolutely no business even typing www.cartier.com into my internet address bar (ugh, i just got a craving for a beer). but this is what happens when you watch the oscars and it literally compells you to walk behind these celebrities with ridiculous "bling-age" in case they drop a diamond or two. i mean sh!t, one bauble could cost a million smack-a-roos, especially when you're trailing p.diddy. muff daddy. whatever the f*ck his name is.

ps: we as a society need to stop using the word bling. its so friggin played out. when you see annoying (desperate) housewives from the 'burbs using the word like they're sooo friggin "hip hop", its a sign that this verbage needs to be retired.

nike cooperstown "wtf?" chin music track jacket



wtf? way to piss me off so early in the f*cking morning, nike. they only make the mets version of this jacket in men's. the only women's ones they make are cubs, yankees and red sox.

oh yea, piss me off even more, the f*cking yankees? this is an obvious marketing ploy. knowing there are those stoopid chicks that are band wagon jumpers, they make available the only teams that are the most "popular" in MLB. "like the kansas city royals? like i didnt know they were like a baseball team? (*twirl of hair, twirl of hair*)

if you havent figured it out yet (genius), i am a die hard met fan and die hard yankee hater. yankees fans. do not attempt to scribe any rebuttal comments please. i will hurt you.

update: ok, fine. they make a women's version. its oogly as sin. ok, its not so oogly but its not as dope as the men's. im not even going to bother posting the picture of it because im still pissed. i shouldve just been born a dude.

another update: ok fine, they do make it in other teams besides the yanks, cubbies and sox for the chicks. whatever, at least i got my feelings out on how much i hate the yankees and stoopid band wagon jumpers. i obviously need therapy...or just meds.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

white "sh!t" castle glow in the dark boxers



speaking of buns (hehe), while surfing the sh!t castle website i stumbled across the "merchandise" section. it was like holy christmas! they have everything from sh!t castle brand "real good" coffee to air freshners to thong underwear (ok, just kidding with the thongs). these nifty glow in the dark boxers are just too hot to trot, especially when the pattern accurately describes what the boxers are housing.

one thing of (interesting) note: the sh!t castle fleece jackets for men and women are sold up to sizes 5xl and 2xplus (respectively). im just sayin...

crate & barrel hamburger "feed me" press with handle



this gidgadget makes two perfect 1/2 pound burgers, sized to fit most commercial buns (hehe). so according to a country (U.S.A.) with an obesity "epidemic" they would be considered mini burgers (ie: like the ones from sh!t castle. get me a crave case!)

on a separate note, if you've recently birthed octuplets, this thing would be of no use to you. in addition to the six other rugrats you have to feed, and the food stamps you're already swindling from our god forsaken (poor) government, you have no business spending $19.95 each for one of these things (well actually you'll need seven of these, eight if you must feed your "looney angelina jolie wannabe wacko" ass).

jesus. me, for once being politically pissed? or im just f*cking hungry and need to eat.

feed me seymour.

click for more info: crate & barrel hamburger press

Monday, February 23, 2009

marc by marc jacobs miss marc "noggin" necklace



not only have all my marc jacobs purchases single handedly help finance mj's empire, you can practically open up a museum with all the mj stuff accumulated in my itty bitty nyc closet (some with tags still on it).

to show his grattitude for my unabashful spending on his goodies, marc created this necklace, which in my mildly twisted mind is me as a wee little laddie (based on the "bowl haircut" all we asian children rocked as kids). if you're all too familiar with this horrendous hairdo we were made to rock by our overbearing asian parents (in addition to the forced piano and/or cello lessons), you'd remember the "halo" reflection on top of our jet black hair due to the ray of sunshine beating down on our yellow noggins.

right, cause we all grew up to become friggin angels, like yours truly.

marc by marc jacobs skeleton "drink drank drunk" watch



so after one (you) drinks three car bombs and ten jack and diets (drank in a pint glass of course), that should be the start of a nice buzz, or for you lightweights, just drunk.

to save you the time waiting on a ridiculous bathroom line at the bar (ladies you can relate) to checkout your hot @ss in the mirror, just wear this watch. this is how you probably look, especially when drunk texting your booty call and having that "one eye open" expression. also to kill two birds with one boulder, this is probably how you look the morning after. hungover, still drunk and racoon eyed (thanks to the whole tube of mascara you applied before the prior evening festivities). at least you'll know what time it is when doing the "walk of shame."

Friday, February 20, 2009

fri-day...

peace out mofos. not bad for the innaugural week of blogging. dont think i came across too angry or flippant with my dough?

lets hit the bar.

demarini juggernaut "badass" softball bat



automatically you should assume this post will be labeled under "anger management". but i wouldnt dare beat the f*ck out of someone with this beauty of a softball bat. thats what my 21 oz nike fastpitch bat is for. faster bat speed = more damage. demarini makes some badass bats though, im sure i'll look pretty threatening at the plate with this guy.

nanette lepore sunny "kim" day dress





i freakin love this b!tch nanette. someone buy me the dress, before i do something dumb and buy it myself at regular price and add to my already mounting debt.

update: nevermind, i cant wait. i'll just have to go by my alias sunny kim (thanks arturo), apply for a new credit card and purchase it under "her" name. wonder if that's considered breaking the law?

click for more info: nanette lepore sunny day dress

max studio "shaka" zulli boots



i dont own a pair of boots (because my feet suffer from claustrophobia, dont ask) but if i ever pull the trigger and purchase one, it would be these. they're like holy hotness. betcha when you put them on, you can channel shaka zulu and go all matrix on people. i dont even know if that made any sense. its friday. leave me alone.

click for more info: max studio zulli boots

spread white "fda approved" chocolate w/pretzel peanut spread



ok, well i dont know for a fact this stuff is officially fda approved, but who cares. its so friggin good, its worth the risk of getting salmonella poisoning and dying. plus, its technically a "spread" which excludes it from the present company of "peanut butter". which unless you live in a hole in idaho, you should know there was peanut butter recall.

props to my sister who i think worked at this establishment spread in san diego and smuggled some home to nyc. check out the site for more flavors. pricey f*ckin "spreads" but we're in a recession people, only money you should be spending is on food anyways. screw toiletries and personal hygiene.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

retro sport new york giants "pick up" trucker hat



me likey. not only does it come with the look of dirt and sweat, the power it creates for the men who wear it gives them the confidence to spew cheesey pick up lines, with the purpose of picking up chicks, in order bring em back to their pick up trucks. the rest is up to your imagination.

apple ipod beatles "trippy" limited edition ultimate collector's box



limited edition eh? only 2500 were produced and each ipod is individually numbered (besides it's "unique" serial #). which, i figure was apple's way of unconsciously making it harder for thieves to steal this ipod? btw, the rate of sales on this product seems to be sizzling, as it how has been marked on sale for a whopping $499.99.

ps: some dude who goes by the pen name "psycho bunny" is responsible of designing this box of goodies. i can bet his guy has done some LSD in his heyway. wonder if the set includes a variety pack of hallucinogens?

louis vuitton "sand wiper" graffiti beach towel



...and if you want to spend another $450 to help wipe sand out of your butt crack.
[i love you marc jacobs]

louis vuitton "got a quarter?" heart coin purse



im just saying. this is reeeally cute. but if you're that loaded to spend $450 on a coin purse, why the f*ck are you carrying loose change? unless you want to be prepared to look chic for those times when a hot guy and/or bum asks you for a quarter on the streets. then again, why would you be walking if you're that loaded? you should have your own chauffeur that drives you around in a black escalade. i can keep going...

click for more info: louis vuitton heart coin purse

selma's "holy sh!t" cookies



these cookies are just "holy sh!t". i know i shouldnt be using sh!t and cookie in the same sentence, especially when mentioning chocolate chip cookies (te hee hee), but all seriousness these cookies are serious.


here's the lowdown: each weigh as much as a 5 tier wedding cake, calorically one is enough to last a whole winter's hibernation for a kodiak bear and they come in all sorts of flavors that are all insanely "holy sh!t" good. my personal fav is the guy pictured above: rasberry white chocolate. only 500 calories, 22 grams of fat, and 70 grams of carbs, sh!t not bad.

sh!t word count: 5

click for more info: selma's cookies

jack daniel's large "floating on h2o" chaser jigger



anyone who knows me knows that i know that a jack/diet coke (or switch it up w/diet dr. pepper) is the bestest cocktail in the whole wide world (no arguments, please, im a raging alcoholic).

so to make matters worse for me, they invented this lovely doo dad that makes taking shots of jack even funner. apparently the jack floats on water and stings like a bee [sorry, couldnt resist quoting ali] in this awesome contraption. god only knows how this is possible, and frankly i dont give a damn, as long as it serves its purpose and does what i say.

ps: they make a smaller version for you sissy non-alcoholics.
pps: hysterical, that im getting "carded" at 9:00am EST to enter the jack daniel's website. good thing my computer cant serve alcohol, cause then it will be a long day.

update: the link below bloows as they apparently have a stoopid bouncer guarding the site. once you get past the 300lbs ex-linebacker beefcake, you can find this bloody thing under "bar accessories." if you're under 21, too bad. you shouldnt be reading this blog anyways.

click for more info: jack daniel's chaser jigger

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

christian louboutin armadillo "caliente" striped satin d'orsay shoes



god, this shoe is hot. especially with a 4 7/10" (they couldnt just make it an even 5"?) heel, it would make an excellent weapon to fend off muggers on the streets of nyc. the heel's already a shade of red, blood stains wont be so noticeable.

ps: im still waiting for these shoes to go on sale for $9.99. it maybe a while since it retails for $865.

click for more info: christian louboutin armadillo

nike + ipod "knight rider" watch remote



how friggin cool is this? an ipod watch remote that talks back to you and tells you how slow of a mutha you run while also controlling your "uns uns" gym music playlist. another mindless gym gadget i probably will end up buying, using for a month then tossing it aside to collect dust. but hey, i'll everytime i use it i'll feel like michael knight summoning kit.

click for more info: nike + ipod watch remote

finally...

out of boredom at work and my ridiculous obsession with shopping, comes this addition to the google search world.

as i get paid to read celebrity gossip and play with my blackberry everyday, why not also post to the world what swell things i find while shopping online? this, my contribution to society and the human race. hope now i can go to heaven for this, as i was already on the fast track to hell.

in conclusion, must give props to oprah, as this is probably a rip off of her "favorite things" show, but sh!t if i can't be rich like oprah, why not bite off her ideas? enjoy people. (just dont blame me if your debt doubles after entering this site.)

ps: i may also add my two cents into issues of the world or just new york city. please excuse the ranting at times, as i do have a slight anger management problem.